LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- WOODY HARRELSON.
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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. WHAT AN HONOR TO BE HERE ON THIS
STAGE HOSTING THE SEASON PREMIERE OF "SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE." [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NOW, I'VE BEEN WORKING FOR A LONG TIME.
AND I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU I'M THE SAME OLD WOODY YOU KNOW AND
LOVE. BUT NEVER BEFORE IN THE 34 YEARS
SINCE THE MANTLE OF FAME WAS THRUST UPON THESE OVERBROAD
SHOULDERS HAVE I BEEN WHAT I AM NOW.
A FASHIONISTA. I MEAN, LOOK AT ME.
I'M A DAMN COVER BOY. [ LAUGHTER ]
THE BEST-DRESSED LIST IS NEW TERRITORY FOR ME.
I'VE BEEN ON THE WORST-DRESSED LIST MANY TIMES.
FOR GOOD REASON. [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW, I NEVER -- I NEVER USED TO THINK ABOUT WHAT I WORE.
I GUESS I WAS ANTI-FASHION. BECAUSE IT ALWAYS SEEMED TO ME
THERE WERE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO FOCUS ON.
THE ICE IS MELTING. THE AMAZON IS BURNING.
OUR WATER, FOOD, AND AIR ARE POLLUTED.
BUT NOW THAT I'M A FASHIONISTA ALL THAT'S FORGOTTEN.
BECAUSE NOW I CARE ABOUT ONE THING AND ONE THING ONLY.
LOOKING GOOD. [ LAUGHTER ]
SO I ASKED MY BUDDY DAPPER DAN TO REALIZE MY DREAM OF THE
ULTIMATE IN EVENINGWEAR. AND I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS
TUX, BY THE WAY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
PAJAMAS! THEIR TIME HAS COME.
[ LAUGHTER ] NOW, I'VE BEEN AN ACTOR FOR A
LONG TIME. I USUALLY PLAY MURDERERS OR THE
PEOPLE THEY MURDER. [ LAUGHTER ]
SO I'M USED TO SAYING OTHER PEOPLE'S WORDS.
I'LL EVEN DO IT LATER IN THE SHOW.
YOU'LL SEE. BUT THE MONOLOGUE IS THE ONLY
TIME I'M SPEAKING FOR MYSELF. NOW, WRITERS HERE KEPT OFFERING
TO HELP ME TO MAKE SURE I DON'T SAY THE WRONG THINGS.
BUT AS A FASHION ICON I'M POISED.
I DON'T WEAR THE WRONG THING. AND I DON'T SAY THE WRONG THING.
I MEAN I WASN'T BORN YESTERDAY. I DIDN'T JUST GET OFF THE BOAT.
OH, GEEZ. THAT'S IRONIC.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE I'M SLANDERING IMMIGRANTS.
I'M NOT. I THINK IMMIGRANTS MAKE THIS
COUNTRY GREAT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
BUT LET'S FACE IT. MOST OF THEM DON'T COME BY BOAT
ANYMORE. YOU KNOW, THEY JUST WALK RIGHT
IN. RIGHT?
WE SEE THAT EVERY DAY ON THE NEWS.
WELL, FOX NEWS ANYWAY. [ LAUGHTER ]
OH, GEEZ. IF WHAT I JUST SAID OFFENDED FOX
NEWS VIEWERS, I APOLOGIZE. AND IF I HURT THE ONE FOX VIEWER
WHO IS ALSO AN IMMIGRANT, WELL, I APOLOGIZE TO YOU, MADAM FIRST
LADY. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ] BUT SHE IS AN IMMIGRANT.
YOU KNOW, A WHITE IMMIGRANT. BUT I GUESS THAT STILL COUNTS.
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY'RE WORRIED ABOUT MEXICO BECAUSE THE
CHINESE ARE TAKING OVER EVERYTHING.
THEY TOOK OVER MY WHOLE HOUSE. MY WIFE'S ASIAN.
MY DAUGHTERS ARE ASIAN. AND I CAN SAY THIS BECAUSE I'M
ASIAN. CAUCASIAN.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU KNOW ME.
I'M STRAIGHTFORWARD. I DON'T PUSSYFOOT AROUND.
OH, MY GOD. I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY PUSSYFOOT.
I MISSPOKE THERE. AND IF I HURT ANYONE WHO HAD
PUSSYFEET I APOLOGIZE TO YOU PEOPLE.
[ LAUGHTER ] NO, I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY YOU
PEOPLE. I'M JUST MAKING IT WORSE.
OKAY? SO MAYBE LET'S JUST SKIP AHEAD.
YEAH. NEXT CARD.
NEXT ONE. NEXT ONE.
KEEP GOING. OH, THANK GOD I DIDN'T SAY THAT
ONE. YOU KNOW WHAT, WALLY, JUST DROP
ALL THE CARDS. OKAY?
LOOK, WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT.
BILLIE EILISH IS HERE! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
IF YOU CHOOSE TO STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!