[MUSIC PLAYING]
HARRY CHEADLE: Everyone I know reveres Louis C.K. even though
he's a fat, bald, middle-aged dude who talks
about his dick on stage.
That's the great thing about stand-up comedy.
All that matters is that you make people laugh.
And like a lot of people who think they're funny, I've
always believed that maybe I could do stand up, too, if I
only took a shot at it.
That was my first mistake.
My name is Harry, and I've been a loser
for most of my life.
I thought I was done with my awkward phase when Vice hired
me to write about politics, culture, and other important
world affairs which should make me cool, but it doesn't.
I'm still just a weird kid who creeps people out.
This is "All Around Losing" with Harry Cheadle.
So I'm out here in front of the Sidewalk Cafe where they
have an open mic every night.
I am incredibly nervous right now.
I've written my set list on my hand.
As you can see, it goes from porn to sex-ed to
Obama at the end.
And I don't think this is going to go well, but I'm also
confident this is going to go well because I'm just a
massive contradiction.
But here I go.
-Make some noise for Harry as he comes to stage.
HARRY CHEADLE: You guys are really attractive out there.
The terrifying part of doing stand-up is when you get to
the punch lines.
Are people going to laugh?
Are they going to boo?
Are they going to know I have no business being on stage?
There almost has to be something wrong with you to
expose yourself to a situation like that.
But surprisingly, the crowd at the Sidewalk laughed at all
the right times.
[LAUGHTER]
HARRY CHEADLE: Sex is gross.
Sex is just the two weirdest parts of your body just
colliding over and over.
[LAUGHTER]
HARRY CHEADLE: If I went back in time and talked to my
11-year-old self about the sex I was having, he'd be like,
that's gross.
And he'd be right, and I think I'd probably go to jail for
talking to an 11-year-old about sex anyway.
[LAUGHTER]
Even the guy who heckled me was polite.
I will, and I have a whole bunch of jokes about sex.
I don't know.
I guess I'm going to keep going on with the jokes I have
in my head, if you don't mind.
Oh yeah, let me talk more about sex for a second.
Maybe I was just good at this?
Thanks, you guys have been great.
[APPLAUSE]
-Harry.
It's his first time, everybody.
HARRY CHEADLE: I didn't do too badly my first time on stage
which was surprising because I blacked out and have no memory
of the experience whatsoever.
When I came to, it was already time for my second show at Cha
Cha's Comedy Club.
On my way inside, I ran into Cha Cha himself, a spherical,
Hawaiian-shirted, comedy guru who's been in the
business for decades.
CHA CHA: How long you've been doing this?
HARRY CHEADLE: I've been doing like a week, honestly.
CHA CHA: A week, right?
-Please put your hands together and welcome to the
stage Harry Cheadle.
HARRY CHEADLE: When I have sex it's like I'm a blind man in a
bouncy castle trying to kill a frog.
It's not clear how that blind man got in that situation,
like it doesn't make any sense, like why is he here.
He doesn't have the skills or the tools necessary to
complete this task.
There are people out there who say like, oh, sex is this
great, spiritual, life-affirming thing.
Those people have not had sex with me because when I have
sex it's not a spiritual experience.
My second time out, I died on stage.
Though actually dying is probably way less painful than
what I went through.
All Cha Cha's Strom Thurmond style comedy coaching did was
distract me with thoughts of Mexican whorehouses.
Before I did this again, I would need to get drunk,
really drunk.
I've heard that alcohol is supposed to make you more
confident, but instead, eh, fuck, let me try that again.
Have you heard that alcohol is a good way
to calm your nerves?
It's not.
-Let's everyone please give a warm welcome
to Mr. Harry Cheadle.
HARRY CHEADLE: So you guys are really attractive for the open
mic audience, anyway.
Oops, I'm gonna take this mic off.
The worst thing isn't not getting a laugh.
Who's going to get laid tonight?
Anyone?
This is going to go really bad.
The worst thing is knowing that everyone out there knew
you were trying to get a laugh, and that you failed,
and that you're not funny.
Sex is disgusting.
I'll wiggle it around in there for awhile.
And like, oh yeah, that sounds great, let do that.
And that's awesome.
Actually, the worst thing is that you
keep going after that.
This sex material is terrible.
That was my impression of trying to do
sex material, everybody.
It failed.
That was good.
Someone liked my material on bombing.
Yeah, let me just talk more about how bad I suck.
That would be great.
Man, you know, always.
And then but women, man.
Yeah, that stills needs a little bit of work.
Thank you, guys.
You've been great.
The best part is when it's finally over.
-Alright, Harry Cheadle, everybody.
HARRY CHEADLE: This stuff is the most difficult
thing I've ever done.
And if anyone can get any laugh from anybody in front of
a crowd, that's like amazing.
And anyone who does it for a long time deserves your
respect or your pity, I don't know which.
Jesus Christ.
[MUSIC PLAYING]