In this video, you will learn the secrets to getting the relationship you want from
your man.
So, if you’re dating a person but feel like he’s not meeting your needs and treating
you the way you deserve to be treated, then this is the video for you.
Don’t go anywhere because we are starting right now.
hi everyone..
I’m dr Antonio Borrello and I’m a psychologist and relationship coach.
This channel is all about helping you build great relationships so you can grow happy
with the people you love.
So, if you’re interested in making your love life the best part of your life, start
now by clicking the subscribe button and hit the bell notification so you aren’t missing
anything.
OK.. on to the secrets to getting the relationship you what from your man.
Every day, women email me with questions like these…
How can I get him to text me or call me more?
How can I get him to pay more attention to me?
How can I get him to love me like he did before?
Or, they tell me something that bothers them about their relationship and ask..
am I over reacting?
Am I being too sensitive?
What do you think?
And generally speaking, these questions are very similar.. they are addressing the same
thing... a woman in a dating relationship with a man, but for whatever reason, he is
not meeting her expectations and needs in the relationship, and she’s not being treated
the way she deserves, despite her complaints and frustrated attempts at getting him to
change.
basically, These emails are all asking the same thing...
how can I get the relationship I need from him?
So that’s why I decided to make this video.. to explain my secrets to getting what you
want and need to be genuinely happy in your relationship.
And, this approach works in all of these situations.
What’s even better, this 3 step plan will help you get clarity about the things that
are really important to you… as well as the things that aren’t that big of a deal
and the ones you should compromise on.
So, break out your pen and notebook and let’s jump right into it.
the secret to getting what you want from your relationship involves a three step process
that I’m going to explain in detail.
And to make it easier to understand, I’m going share some examples of situations and
we will go through the steps together.
a few years ago I was working with a woman… let’s call her Jenny.
Jenny was a 27 year old college graduate.. who had been dating a 28 year old man named
Jared.
The couple had been “dating” for about a year and jenny explained that they spent
a lot of time together and they were intimate, but Jared did not want to be in a relationship.
Jenny felt like Jared was giving her mixed messages because they spent so much time together
and acted like a couple.
But still, he refused to call her his girlfriend or to be in an official relationship.
When Jenny contacted me, her immediate complaint was that Jared would make plans with her,
but then he would blow her off and cancel with her last minute when his friends wanted
to go out.
What she really wanted was a commitment from Jared and for him to make her a priority.
so keep this example in mind as I explain the first step.. and that is.. to ask yourself
this question.
1.
Do You share relationship Values and goals.
Having your relationship values and goals in alignment means that you and your partner
are on the same page, You both know what you want, you are compatible, and you know what
you wish to accomplish in the relationship.
And, Both of you are firmly committed to achieving these goals.
And, knowing that you are on the same page is the first the first step in the secret
to getting what you want from him.
Because if he is not on the same page, he is certainly not going to meet your needs
with any consistency.
It doesn’t matter how much chemistry you share… it doesn’t matter how attracted
you are to one another.. and it doesn’t matter how much fun you have together…
A relationship is not going to work if both partners don’t have similar visions of what
their futures look like as well as the commitment to achieving those goals together.
And in the case of Jared and Jenny, they did not want the same things.
Jenny wanted a mature, exclusive and committed relationship and although Jared liked Jenny
and had fun with her, he did not want the commitment or responsibilities of a relationship.
And jared did feel remorseful and he recognized that blowing jenny off was disrespectful and
hurtful.
But he still continued to do it.
The problem here… their relationship values and goals were different… and because Jenny
wanted him so badly, she refused to accept what jared told in favor of what she wanted
to believe.
She wanted a relationship with a man who told her and showed her that he was not relationship
material.
And as long as their relationship values and goals were totally different, Jared would
never be able to give her what she wanted in a relationship.
And if you are in a relationship with a person who does not share those same values, goals
and qualities, getting your needs met consistently is not going to happen.
So, step one is to make a list of your core relationship values and qualities that are
important to you.. and to make it easier, I’m going to share the qualities of a partner
that are important to look into.. because being incompatible on too many of these values
makes a lasting relationship much more difficult.
The areas to include are—relationship goals, ideas surrounding money, your ambitions,
the importance and involvement of family, how you both express emotions,
whether or not you want children, The role of religion in your life and how
you relax..
For each of the values and qualities I just listed, write down and describe your values
on one side of a page and write down his on the other.
So, for example, you are going to write “beliefs about money”.. perhaps you are an
extreme spender and he is an extreme saver, give an example of your differences and how
that might effect you in the future.
Because think about it… you’re eventually going to run into problems because of these
incompatible values.
If you love going on nice dinners, or vacations, and your partner is focused on saving every
penny.. you have incompatible values.. and one of you is always going to feel like you’re
compromising or not getting your needs met.
And if the two of you are totally different on many of these important values.. the likelihood
of you being happy in this relationship long term is really low.. so, perhaps it’s time
to rethink the relationship.
Now, let’s say that you comprised your list and you see that the two of you are very compatible
and share the same values, goals and qualities.. but you’re not getting the relationship
you want or need from him..
well.. then go to the second step of getting what you need from your relationship and that
is to ask yourself this question.
2.
Are Your Expectations Reasonable If you are in a relationship, of course you
are going to have expectations of your partner.
For example, You’re going to expect honesty, loyalty, support, love, friendship, and companionship,
right…., those are the essentials.
but sometimes, we hold on to unrealistic expectations that are nearly impossible to meet.
In other words, you have expectations that require your partner to be “nearly perfect”
and possess all of these qualities all of the time.
But We all make mistakes, I mean everyone is human and none of us is perfect.
So, when we are not getting some need met, we have to ask ourselves if our expectation
is too high?
Are we being reasonable in expecting this from our partner.
For example.. when a couple gets into an argument… perhaps it’s a serious argument that leads
them to not talking for a few days… or maybe they even take a break.. after a few days
passes, one or both partners might realize that what they were disagreeing with their
partner about was an unreasonable expectation.
In other words, it wasn’t that big of a deal and perhaps they should have given their
partner a pass.
Now, what do I mean by a pass..
well, keep watching because this is an important example.
A few years ago, I was working with a woman who was frustrated and unhappy because she
felt like her boyfriend had changed… and that he was taking her for granted.. and in
many ways, he was..
But overall, he was a great guy.. yes, they had a few challenges to overcome and they
did.. in fact, they are now happily married and have a baby on the way.. but when we started
working together, one of her complaints was that he liked playing video games online with
his friends for about an hour 2-3 times a week.
She thought it was immature and that he should use his time doing something more productive.
She resented the fact that he played games with his friends instead of spending that
“recreation time” with her.
But in almost every other area.. they were very compatible and had a solid relationship.
What she didn’t understand was that after a long day at work, it provided him with a
much needed stress release as well as an opportunity to bond with his friends.
Now, if he spent 5-6 hours a day playing video games instead of taking care of his other
responsibilities, then it would have been a problem.
The point is… sometimes we have to take a step back and think about our expectations..
understand our partner’s point of view and change our perspective and expectations because
it really isn’t a big deal.
Now, having said that, we must know what our deal breakers are…
Deal-breakers are specific, individual issues or characteristics of a potential partner
that one cannot overlook despite the other redeeming qualities the individual may possess.
So, for example, physical abuse should be a deal breaker for everyone… if it happens,
the relationship needs to be over, regardless of any other qualities your partner has.
The deal-breaker is the primary reason for not continuing the relationship.
So, when it comes to getting what you need from a partner, you must also ask yourself
if your expectations are reasonable and not extreme.
And if you know that you are both on the same page with regard to relationship values and
goals, and your expectations are reasonable.
then go on to the third step.
Now.. the third step is how you get what you want from the relationship and that is
3. by Keeping Your Standards High
Remember, it’s Your values and your expectations that sets the bar for your relationship…
it sets your standards of what you expect.
And, where you set your own bar determines how anyone else is going to treat you.
the way we love and value ourselves sets up the way in which we let other people love
and value us… or mistreat us.
The problem that so many people have….
When they meet someone they really like, they are often willing to compromise their standards
in the early stages of dating.
And when you do that, you are setting low parameters for him.
So, like the example I gave you last week.
you really like a man and you’re excited about him.
He invites you on a date for a Saturday night.. and the same day he texts you to confirm that
you are meeting at a particular restaurant at 7 PM..
So, you show up at the restaurant at 6:57 and he is nowhere to be found.. in fact, he
doesn’t show up until 718 and did not take a moment to let you know he was running late…
and when he arrives, he makes no mention of the fact that he is late….
So, how do you feel given this situation… he shows up almost 20 minutes late and doesn’t’
take the time to text you and let you know.
Are you upset or frustrated… do you say something to him?
Do you compromise your standards here because you really like him and you’re afraid to
cause any friction…
I mean you want him to like you and you worry about sounding disagreeable or demanding for
fear of losing him, right?
look, I know it can be difficult to keep your standards high when you really like a person….
It’s like everything goes out the window, right?.
But when you compromise your standards, you are always going to get less that you need
and less than you deserve.
You are setting the bar low, your setting the parameters low, and you’re letting him
know it’s ok to treat you that way.
And even worse, compromising your values also increases the possibility of entering into
unhealthy relationships or situations.
And let me tell you why.. because when you compromise your standards, you’re simply
pushing the conflict and the problem further into the future.
You’re ignoring the red flags because you want to be wanted so badly and you continue
to accept less than you deserve..
So, if a man isnt’ meeting your standards, if a man isn’t treating you right… if
a man isn’t meeting your needs, arguing with him, complaining to him, or pleading
with him is not going to bring him to change…
that’s just not going to work.
IF a man isn’t meeting your standards and meeting your needs, you need to be walking
away..
When he knows that you aren’t willing to settle, that you aren’t going to tolerate
behaviors or actions of his that you don’t agree with, or that don’t meet your standards,
he is going to respect you and step up to the challenge and meet your standards.
He is going to appreciate your self respect... and your value in his eyes goes way up.
But He will only experience this if he knows you are willing and able to walk away from
something that isn’t right for YOU.
So again, the secret to getting what you want from your relationship depends on three things..
1.
knowing that you share similar values and goals, 2.
having realistic expectations, and 3 setting and not compromising your values and standards
because you’re afraid of losing someone.
Because if you do, you will never get what you want or deserve from your relationship.
If you like this topic, I can go into it in more detail in a future video.
So.. in the comment section.. please share your thoughts and your ideas about the videos
you’d like me to make.. and Click here to the video youtube thinks you will like and
click here to subscribe and learn how to bulid a great relationship so you can grow happy
together…
Ill see you in the next video.