All right, what's up guys?
This is going to be a mega unscripted video
but I just wanted to share some thoughts,
and share a little bit about kind of what I'm going through right now.
As you may have noticed, in the month of April, everything just kind of took off
and I got over 165,000 new subscribers.
It was craziness.
I just want to say that I'm extremely, extremely, grateful for all of this.
I feel really lucky to be able to kind of,
you know, make a living doing this kind of work. It's something that I just
absolutely enjoy.
However, the purpose of this video is actually not so much to like, thank you guys,
and it's not really to like boast or brag about what happened. I really just want to share
some of the things that I went through that I wasn't expecting.
Stuff that nobody seems to talk about ,
and stuff that was very eye-opening for me.
First of all,
this was a lot scarier than I thought.
I discovered what I believe are some of my karmic fears.
Okay, and before you kind of tune out and move on,
I don't really care so much about
where these fears come from. I have the personal belief that
they come throughout our past lives and we accumulate them through reincarnation.
But whether you believe in that or you believe in
accumulating fears throughout childhood. It doesn't really matter to me.
Either way, it comes from somewhere.
And I was just blown away by how gripped by fear I was,
regarding like thoughts of losing it all, right?
That my whole audience would just move on,
or that somebody would like expose me and take down my channel,
which is crazy.
I felt very irrational, for at least a couple of weeks.
It's just hard to wrap your brain around
a number of that size, you know, 100,000 or 200,000 people.
I just feel the immense weight of the responsibility and so,
you know, pretty much daily
I would have like a moment where I was like: "Oh my God! I'm freaking out!"
And I just kind of had to remind myself
continually that all I have to really do is continue
to do the things that I did that got me here, you know.
But I really wanted to kind of
talk about this a little bit just because for so long,
for literally years, I had this goal of getting to, you know certain milestone, like 100,000
or a million subscribers, right?
Kind of with you know, maybe not explicitly but implicitly
the thought that that would bring me happiness, and fulfillment or something, you know.
And, I don't know if it was like the velocity that this happened, but
arriving at 100,000 like super quickly kind of
made me realize that like, whoa
this is not
making me any happier at all, actually.
You know, it's weird to say this, but I kind of like celebrated it
for a short period of time, and then I was already focused on the next goal.
And I think that's something to just like be mindful of, and
something that I'm trying to pay a lot more attention to now.
And it feels a little bit difficult to talk about these sorts of things
and not sound ungrateful.
Once again, I feel they need to repeat this. I'm extremely grateful for
everything that has happened, you know, there's just an
outpouring of love that just kind of blows me away.
I'm receiving so many amazing messages from you guys, and I'm
just...
stunned honestly, in a really good way.
But, I think again the message of this,
and I hope that it's more impactful coming from me,
you know somebody with now hundreds of thousands of subscribers is that you know, this really did not
make me a happier person.
What makes me happy is the creation portion of this.
Is the, you know, pushing my boundaries, and telling stories, and connecting with people,
but I was already on that path
before I started getting a ton of subscribers, you know?
It's a dangerous thing and I've talked about my ambition and how
it sometimes robs me of joy, and I don't want that to happen
here and now, you know?
Because of the fears, they came up
and because of how quickly this all happened,
it was difficult for me to enjoy it at times.
But, as the dust has started to settle, and as I've kind of
come to better understand my reactions,
I just came to the conclusion that you know, I wanted to create this little piece here.
So I hope that you see that the numbers don't change me.
I'll be honest, I'm a little afraid that they will,
but I'm trying to be, again, really mindful about it and just aware,
of all the mind games that we play, all the psychology that goes into this.
I'm more than happy to, kind of, further discuss this in the comments below, so
you know, feel free to leave your thoughts.
Thank you so much for watching, thank you so much for supporting me...
in this crazy project of mine, and
I'll see you soon.