so I was thinking about female
friendship a lot and by the way these
two women I'm very honored to say have
been my friends for a very long time -
yes we have and and one of the things
that I rant about female friendship is
something that servantes said he said
you know you can you can tell a lot
about someone in this case a woman by
the company that she keeps so let's
start with we're in big trouble I'm in
one of those waters I'm extremely dry
you're taking up our time we have a very
limited just being with her sexual life
out of hahaha
ain't seen nothing yet anyway so sorry
tell me what what do you look for in a
friend I look for someone who has a
sense of fun who's audacious who who's
forthcoming who has politics who has
even a small scrap of passion for the
planet someone who's decent has a sense
of justice and who thinks I'm worthwhile
you know I was thinking this morning I
don't even know what I would do without
my women friends I mean it's I have my
friends therefore I am no it's true I
exist because I have my women friends
they you're one of them I don't know
about you but anyway they you know they
make me stronger
they make me smarter they make me braver
they tap me on the shoulder when I might
be in need of course correcting and most
of them are a good deal younger than me
too
you know I mean it's nice cute ya know I
do I include you in that because
listening you know it's nice to have
somebody still around to play with and
learn from when you're getting toward
the end I'm glad I'm approaching I'll be
there sooner than you had to have you
parallel Aging alongside me I'm showing
you the way no one roaring you have yeah
well as we grow older and as we go
through different kinds of life's
journeys what do you do to keep your
friendships vital and alive well you
have to use a lot doesn't invite me over
much I'll tell you that I have to I have
to use a lot of social media you'll be
quiet now and so I and I go through I
look through my emails I look through my
text to find my friends so I can answer
them as quickly as possible because I
know they need my counsel they need my
support because most of my friends are
writers or activists or actors and
you're all three and a long string of
other descriptive phrases and and I I
want to get to you as soon as possible I
want you to know that I'm there for you
do you do emojis oh no that's
embarrassed I'm really until no I spell
out my I spell out my words of happiness
and congratulations and sadness you
spell it right out I spell it every
letter such a purist you know as I've
gotten older I've understood more the
importance of friendships and so I
really make an effort to reach out and
make playdates
not let too much time go by I read a lot
so I as Lily knows all too well I sent
my books that I like I send to my
friends when we knew we would be here
today you sent me a lot of books about
women's female friendships and I was so
surprised to see how many books how much
research has been done recently and were
you grateful I was grateful and wait no
it's really important because this is
another example of how women are
overlooked put aside marginalized
there's been very little research done
on us even though we volunteered lots of
times and we know this is really
exciting and you all will be interested
in this the Harvard Medical School study
has shown that women who have close
female friendships are less likely to
develop impairments physical impairments
as they age and they are likely to be
seen to be living much more vital
exciting and longer joy joyful lives I
live five years longer than men I think
I'd trade the years for joy and with the
most important part is they found this
is the results were so so exciting and
so conclusive that the researchers found
that not having close female friends is
detrimental to your health as much as
smoking or being overweight well and you
know and there's something else too I've
said my part okay well listen to my part
there's an additional thing that because
they only for years decades they only
researched men when they when they were
trying to understand stress only very
recently have they researched what
happens to women when we're stressed and
it turns out that when we're stressed
women we get our bodies get flooded by
oxytocin which is a feel-good calming
stress reducing hormone which is also is
is increased when we're with our women
friends hmm you know and I I do think
that's one reason why we we live longer
and I feel so bad for men because they
don't have that
testosterone in men diminishes the
effects of oxytocin well when you and I
and Olli made nine to five Oh whee
laughs whee laughs we did we laughed so
much we found we had so much in common
and it's so different here she is like
Hollywood royalty I'm like a tough kid
from Detroit she's a southern kid from a
poor town in Tennessee and we found we
were so in sync as women and we must
have we laughter we must have added at
least a decade probably onto our line
our lifespan I think we sure crossed our
legs a lot well I feel like amazing
click on the right channel you're adding
decades to our lives right now
so among the books that Jane sends us
both to read on female friendship who
was won by a woman we admire greatly
sister Joan gist adore who who said
about female friendship that women women
friends are not just a social act
they're a spiritual act do you think of
your friends is as spiritual do they add
something spiritual to your lives
spiritual I absolutely think that and
because especially people you've known a
long time people you spent time with I
can see the spiritual essence inside
them the the tenderness the
vulnerability there's actually kind of a
love an element of love in the
relationship I just see deeply into your
soul do you think that Jane most I just
want to go back well there's all kinds
of friends there's you know business
friends and and party friends I've got a
lot of those and on and but the the
oxytocin producing friendships have they
feel spiritual because it's a hard
opening right you know we go deep and I
find that I shed tears a lot with my
with my intimate friends not because I'm
sad but because I'm so touched and
inspired by them and you know one of his
going to go soon
but two of us you're sitting here Lily
up and I always think when women talk
about their friendships that man always
look a little mystified what are the
differences in your opinion all between
men friendships and and women French
there's there's a lot of difference and
and I think we have to have a lot of
empathy for men that that that they
don't have what we have which I think
may be why they died sooner I have a lot
of compassion for men because women no
kidding we women's relationships our
friendships are full disclosure we go
deep they're revelatory we risk
vulnerability this is something men
don't do you know I mean how many times
have I asked you am i doing okay
did I really screw up there you know
that can we erase it you know we asked
we asked questions like that of our
women friends and and and men don't you
know people describe women's
relationships is face to face whereas
men's friendships are more side by side
I mean most the time we men don't want
to reveal their emotions they want to
bury deeper feelings I mean that's the
general conventional thought they would
rather go off in their man cave and
watch a game or hit golf balls or talk
about sports or hunting or cars or have
sex I mean it's just the kind of it's a
more manly behavior you men did they
talk about sex I meant we might have sex
if they could get somebody in their man
cave
what what but you know something really
though that I find very interesting and
again psychologists didn't know this
until relatively recently is that men
are born every bit as relational as
women are if you if you look at films of
newborn baby boys and girls you'll see
the baby boys just like the girls gazing
into their mothers eyes you know needing
that relational exchange of energy when
the mother looks away they could see the
dismay on the child even the boy would
cry they need relationships so the
question is why as they grow older does
that change and the answer is
patriarchal culture which says to boys
and young men that to be needy a
relationship to be emotional with
someone is girly you know that a real
man is you know doesn't ask directions
or express a need or you know they don't
go to doctors if they feel bad they
don't ask for help there's a quote that
I really like men fear that becoming we
will erase his eye
you know his sense of self whereas
women's sense of self has always been
kind of porous but our we is our saving
grace it's it's what makes us strong
it's not that we're better than men we
just don't have our masculinity to prove
and well that's a Gloria Steinem quote
you know so we can express our our
humanity I know you know who she is but
I think it's a no but it's a great quote
I think we're not better than men we
just don't have our masculinity to prove
and that's really important are so
inculcated in the core in the culture to
to be comfortable in the patriarchy and
we've got to make something different
happen
well the women's friendships are like a
renewable source of power that's well
that's what's exciting about this
subject is because our friendships
female friendships are just a hop to our
sisterhood and sisterhood can be a very
powerful force to make to give the world
to make it what it should be the things
that humans desperately need it is why
we're talking
about it because women's friendships are
as you said Jane a renewable source of
power so how do we use that power well
women are the fastest-growing
demographic in the world especially
older women and if we harness our power
we can change the world and guess what
we need to and we need to do it soon and
one of the things that we need to do and
we can do it as women for one thing we
kind of set the consumer standards we
need to consume less we in the Western
world need to consume less and when we
buy things we need to buy things that
are made locally when we buy food we
need to buy food that's grown locally
we're the ones that need to get off the
grid we need to make ourselves
independent from fossil fuels and and
the fossil fuel companies the exons and
the shale oils and those bad guys
because they are are going to tell us
that we can't do it without going back
to the Stone Age you know that the
alternative just quite aren't quite
there yet and that's not true there are
countries in the world right now that
are living mostly on renewable energy
and doing just fine and they tell us
that if we do we now R sell from fossil
fuel that we're going to be back in the
Stone Age and and in fact if we begin to
use renewable energy and not drill in
the Arctic and not drill and they'll you
know the Alberta tar sands right that
that we will be there'll be more
democracy and more jobs and more
well-being and it's really the way maybe
we have the momentum to start a third
wave feminist movement with our
sisterhood around the world with women
we don't see women we may never meet but
we joined together that way because I
mean our Aristotle said most people
would die without male friendships
because and the operative word here was
male and they because they thought that
friendships should be between equals and
women were not considered equal they
didn't think we had souls no Greeks
exactly that shows you just how limited
Aristotle was
and wait no here's the best part it's
like you know men do need women now the
planet needs women the US Constitution
needs women we are not even in the
Constitution er you're talking about the
Equal Rights Amendment right yes justice
Justice Ginsburg said something like
since the every Constitution that's been
written since the end of World War two
included a provision that made women
citizens of equal stature but ours does
not so that would be a good place to
start very very mild right and and
gender equality it's like a tide it
would lift all boats not just women
needing new role models on how to do
that how to be friends how to think
about our power in different ways as
consumers as as citizens of the world
and this is what makes Jane and Lily a
role model of how women can be friends
for a very long time and even if they
occasionally disagree thank you Sabo