Hello Little Buns! It is Stef. Welcome back to my home. I made a video a couple of
weeks ago,
couldn't have been more than a month ago, I don't know how long its been.
About, my struggles with eating disorders
and specifically bulimia. So I will be discussing that in this video so that is your content
/ you know trigger warning if that's not something you can
handle hearing about then
maybe don't watch this video. More than anything else, I do want you guys to know that I am doing well and that I am
No longer
Taking those pills on a regular basis or at all right now that does not mean that I have "recovered" it does not mean that
I'm out of the woods, but I have not been taking any pills for two weeks
And if you haven't watched the last video, I guess I should explain to you that I have a I mean bulimia
Okay
I always feel weird talking about this because like it just sounds so
It's not a cute thing to talk about there are a few different kinds of bulimia and the one that I struggled with was
Laxative abuse I would take like 20 pills a day you're supposed to take one or two a week
So there's a very clear over dosage happening there and long-term what that can cause is
Basically a total failure of your digestive system like you pretty much have to force your body to
expel waste
After a certain point and I'm lucky that I stopped before that happened my body has returned to normal functioning
I do want to talk about all the other effects though like how quitting cold turkey could have affected my body and and
withdrawal effects and you know emotional
side effects and things like that because it really is a lot more complicated than just oh you can stop because it's an addiction and
And you know I relied on it for such a long time
But you know I'm doing better and we're gonna talk about that I do want to first
Basically say that I go to therapy twice a month
Typically once every two weeks and that really has helped me a lot because it's allowed me to deconstruct
all of these subconscious
Ideas floating around in my mind that kind of allowed me or gave me permission to do this to myself
And I absolutely credit therapy with helping me with this and you know that's not to say that I couldn't have done it without
therapy
but it definitely is a lot easier when you can talk to somebody that's not that doesn't know you that's not biased and
That you can sort of deconstruct the ideas you have about yourself with them for me
It wasn't about like hardcore psychology
And you know like you know treatment plans that wasn't what I needed to start quitting what I needed to start quitting
Was to understand why I allowed myself to engage in self-destructive behavior, because I knew that this was hurting me
And I knew the long-term effects that could have but I did it anyway
And I was like why do I allow myself to do that why does that why do I do?
I almost rely on that self-destructive feeling I really wish that I recorded
My therapy sessions lino with my phone on audio record because it would really make reflecting on all of this so much easier
But I basically realized that I'm so used to defending myself. You know growing up in that small town
You know being a queer person in a small town
and then you know just
Wanting more than anything to escape it I was so used to defending myself that I even
Defend myself against good things at this point, and if I'm not experiencing something that I have to defend myself against
I pretty much make a situation where I have to defend myself
This is something that I do because I don't know how to exist without being in some kind of conflict about me
And that's really bad
That's terrible and that's not the only reason like I didn't take the pills because I wanted to be dramatic
You know it's not about that because there's another layer of
oh
This is gonna. Go this is gonna. Go in a few directions growing up in that small town
I, I was in not a great place socially like I didn't feel good in that town
It was not a good place for me, and I was threatened my property was vandalized
I really was not safe there
So I had this like drive
And this hope to get out of there for that entire time and one day I was thinking in the shower
I was like what is it that I'm missing? What is it
that's making me so miserable that I'm doing these things to myself and that you know, I just don't feel good
What is it that I'm missing and I remembered how good and creative and excited I was about life in high school
And I was like okay
What was different and the difference was I was struggling and I'm not struggling and that I guess is why I don't care about things
It's because I'm not experiencing trouble which is bizarre
But I think acknowledging that that is the the pattern of thought in my mind
Can allow me to basically like fix it then I can see that this is happening, and I can say no
That's not right, and I can do better and then there's the element and this one's like this one's real
This one's real as hell
And I think this is probably the most important to my recovery is I have this almost
Disconnect from reality and a lot of people that are super transphobic
Like well obviously cuz you're just like a woman and all that garbage
I mean, that's not I don't have a disconnect with reality for my gender the thing is like I said
I'm so used to defending myself
I'm so used to not being enough that I don't realize
I've made progress that I don't realize that I am beautiful, and it's not like consciously. I'm like yeah. I look amazing
Especially right now, but it's a subconscious thing where it's like somebody will say oh you look wonderful
And I'm like do you think I'm stupid in my head somebody I was at brunch with my mom and this stranger from the neighborhood
said
She was asking what I did for work. She was like are you a model and in my head?
I was like do you think I'm stupid. I'm not small enough to be a model
I'm not tall enough to be a model, but I wasn't, the normal reaction to that is oh, thank you in your mind
That's sweet that builds my confidence because she thinks I'm pretty, but in my mind I ripped it apart
I took that compliment, and I shattered it because I don't know how to take it
I don't know how to hear somebody say you look great and be like thank you
Because I don't believe I will ever be good enough, and that is some serious shit
Okay, and that is where all this eating disorder garbage is originating from in my opinion based on all of the things that I've talked
About in therapy that is where this comes from because consciously
I know I am good enough, and I know I am beautiful
And I know I do pass and I know all of this stuff consciously
I'm aware of all this stuff, but I just don't let myself
Internalize it deeply because I'm so used to shooting down everybody's opinion that a good one is still a threat. You know what I mean
whole scary anyways I think through a combination of all of that reflection and therapy and
Running out of the pills and not buying more
I think that's kind of what allowed me to start this this quit cold-turkey situation
What happened was I had one pill left I took it at night I said first thing in the morning
I'm gonna go to shopper's
I'm gonna get another box and I was just so busy that I didn't have time to go get those pills and somehow I
Didn't feel that intense urge that intense need
Because an addiction really is almost like your mind is so preoccupied with this substance if you don't have it you need it
And that's the only thing that you can think about but somehow that day
I didn't have that problem, and I went a full 24 hours without the pills and I was like okay you know what I'm gonna
Take advantage of this. I'm gonna do what's best for me, and I'm going to make a conscious effort to not take these pills
I'm gonna make a conscious effort to quit cold turkey, and I did it's been two weeks
Again I'm not out of the woods 100%
But I do feel much better and a lot has changed
For me and my body physically and emotionally and mentally in my first video about this
I mentioned feeling really drained like there was nothing inside of me and there literally was not anything physically inside of me
But I felt like all of the the emotional stuff went with it that I was just a hollow empty
Thing and I can't say that I'm 100% you know opposite of that right now
But I definitely feel a little bit more excitement about doing things. I definitely feel a little bit more optimistic
And like there's things that I want to actively go outside of my house to do
Whereas before I'd be content just sitting on my couch for a week. As for physical things I have not actually gained much weight
I've gained maybe five to 10 pounds, which sounds like a lot in two weeks, but most of that is water weight
And it's not really visible. Water weight is mostly carried around your stomach area, and I I do look a little bit thicker there
But it doesn't bug me and I'm surprised by that the conscious element of me taking those pills was that I wanted to shrink myself
And not in terms of fat or weight because I never thought when I started taking them that I was fat
It wasn't about that. It wasn't about a weight issue it was about musculature
It was about I wanted to make my body eat itself to shrink it don't do that first of all that's horrifying
But I mean that was what I had in mind
I was like I'm going to deprive my body of the fuel it needs so that it starts to eat itself and when I feel
Like it's at a point that I like I'll start eating properly again the problem with this is number one that doesn't
Work with laxatives these laxatives don't actually deprive your body of anything except for water number two is
even if it did work
There's a strong chance
That the goal you have in mind for your body is unrealistic and by the time you reach it you're gonna be dead
So that's not okay, and then the third part is again
Sometimes your body just can't do that. I don't think my body will ever be as tiny and as you know delicate-looking as
XYZ woman whoever whoever because my body is mine, and it's gonna be mine
And I'm going to be shaped a certain way because it's just my structure
And I think finding a way to accept that is the healthiest thing to do and that's way harder than it sounds
But this can be done with the help of therapy I believe and therapy can be very very very expensive
Which is why I have partnered with somebody for this video. I use a mixture of my regular therapists
I go to you biweekly as well as better help. Better help has sponsored this video. Thank you so much
You're an amazing service. You are incredible.
I love you. The main thing about better help that I like is it it creates an
Accessible therapy it makes therapy accessible to a much wider range of people because it doesn't have that
Huge price tag on it that you might normally experience when you go to places physically the way it works is it's an online
counseling service, that's
Structured to fit your needs and your budget and your lifestyle like your schedule you sign up
And you basically are matched with a counselor that fits you that suits you suits your budget needs schedule
Etc and that is just such a relief because a lot of people know that therapy can help them
But they can't access it because it's too expensive or it's too far away
Or you know there's a thousand reasons.
And this kind of gets rid of those barriers for most people so if you are interested in checking that out
I will put a link in the description box it can be as low as $35 a week
Which if you're getting you know weekly sessions with a regular counselor that can be like two or three hundred dollars a week depending on
Your area and your coverage and whatever, but this is still an amazing tool
And you know I know that if I'm struggling in between my bi-weekly normal counseling sessions
I have somebody that I can reach out to and get that help that I need
But you that you just can't get from somebody that knows you
Like a family member or like a friend so no matter what it is
You're struggling with if you're struggling with an eating disorder like me or you know depression or anxiety or whatever?
There is a way, you can get real help without destroying
You know everything else in your life
And I think that's really valuable so if you're interested again the links in the description box
And thank you again a better home for sponsoring this video because you really do
Help people and that is amazing to me like I said earlier in the video
Therapy allowed me to deconstruct those ideas that I had about myself
Subconsciously like I will never be good enough or like I need a conflict to exist. All of those ideas
I couldn't have found that by myself because I'm not looking
Deep and you might think or I thought that I was reflecting deeply
But I I was never really getting past that little shell that that subconscious, built up, so I wouldn't find it
You know what I mean and in my experience therapists
Just know how to ask the right questions to get you past that and they do every time without fail
that I'm having trouble. I have a breakthrough and that is so much better than a relapse it really is taking it back to
Recovery side effects something that I guess I expected
But it's still kind of surprised me
Was when I got my hormone levels tested it turned out that my estrogen had gone down and my testosterone had risen
The opposite of what I wanted to do from May to November
And I started taking these pills sometime around May or June, so it makes perfect sense that the body
You know would be flushed of my medication before could absorb it, and I guess in my mind
I figured because the body absorbs the calories of the food and the nutrients before the laxatives can flush it then it must also absorb
The pills, but I guess it's different because there's no other reason
There's no other reason in the world that I would have those hormone level
Discrepancies if it wasn't involving those pills the timing and everything it just makes perfect sense so that I think is a strong enough reason
for me to not take the pills or you know the laxatives not my hormones when I
Consciously and logically lay it out in front of me if my goal is to shrink in my body
But I'm just increasing my testosterone levels by doing this that's not gonna help
and that's you know even if I if I didn't have guilt or shame about taking those pills that I think would be enough because
It's not going to help me achieve my goal, and I do have a degree of shame and guilt
But it's not the kind that keeps me quiet
No, it's the kind that tells me like why did you do this in the first place? It's the kind that
Scolds me like a parent, and I think that's okay. I need that for myself. Otherwise what's stopping me from relapsing?
You know now all this being said I do have basically predisposed
I just oh
by the way
Because my body was flushing estrogen and now I've been on the estrogen for two weeks without those laxatives. These are grown a lot
Ridiculously, what's up? I am happy. Thank you. Thank you um hold on, oh, I'm losing my mind
I need coffee all that being said back on track. I, I do believe I am genetically predisposed to eating problems
I believe that it is very easy to slip into other patterns of disordered eating
I have experienced every kind of disordered eating it's just bulimia is the one that kind of really threatens me
Because none of the other ones really lasts more than a day
And I'm grateful that I haven't slipped into a multitude of eating pattern problems
Not just you know it's just the one but I know that I'm vulnerable to those so from here on out
It's a matter of you know maintaining this
No laxatives roll for myself and then also being very conscious and careful to not slip into other eating patterns
I do definitely have a lot of
Grappling with binge eating which is a part of bulimia for me, but the other night
I ate like enough pasta for like six or seven people and then I passed out for four hours
And normally what happens after I eat that much as I feel this like
Regret and and guilt and like why did you do that? You know you're in physical pain, and you know this is just gonna
It's not gonna help you you're wasting food because you don't need that much I didn't feel that this time probably cuz I slept
But it still that was absurd and I never should have done that and that's the kind of thing that I think I'm most
vulnerable to
Aside from bulimia, so we're gonna see what happens, but I'm gonna do my best
I'm gonna keep on going to my bi-weekly therapy and when I keep on you know if I have trouble in between I'm gonna get
my better help
Situation all figured out, and I think that I'm gonna do just fine, and I think you can too
so if you're struggling with something
Especially you can just order no that it's entirely possible to recover and that recovery is not linear
And I made this mistake in my in my last eating disorder video where I said basically
I don't think this is the beginning in my recovery because I think it really was you know admitting it to myself and to
Thousands of people was a way of holding "meself" accountable *jokingly* "meself" accountable"meself"
What is that is a Scottish Irish who says that I don't know and I may not have quit cold-turkey at that moment
But I absolutely started my recovery in that moment and that is the most important thing
So you can do that too. I believe in you you've got this if you want to look into better help again the link
Is in the description box
But I encourage you to ask for help and to look for help and to ask
questions that get you deeper than your
Excuses you know what I mean because my excuses were plentiful and I had to destroy them before I figured out
What was going on inside of me with all that being said you know I love you so much
I'll see you again soon until next time just remember you have the power to overcome
You know these addictive addictions
Because really an eating disorder more than anything else is an addiction and we can do it together. You've got this
I love you so much. Bye *kissing noises*