hey guys it's Jen and to be honest it's taken me a lot to get to the point where I felt like I
could film this video I've tried talking about it so many times but truthfully the recovery
from having a baby was traumatizing for me it was just really hard for me to even open that back up
and feel those emotions again if childbirth labor any of that is something that you are completely
frightened by I'm gonna get into some details that might make you a little bit uncomfortable
so that's just my fair warning my personal belief is that honesty is always going to be the most
important thing to convey if any of you guys are interested in having a child at some point or
having a friend or supporting somebody who goes through the process of having a baby it can be
helpful to know some more details so that you can better support that person or better understand
what you're going through in case you have not seen my video I did talking about my actual labor
experience that actually went pretty smoothly for the most part and I will leave a link to that up
here and also in the description box down below I do highly recommend you watching that before
watching this video aria my daughter is a very healthy happy baby she is definitely on the
bigger end in terms of length whereas I'm a very small person so just in terms of how anatomically
we are proportioned to each other she was quite a big baby for my body size now I will say my
story isn't the absolute most painful horrible traumatizing story that I've ever heard anybody
on the internet ever say but it's also not the best I would say out of my group of friends and
people I've talked to in real life everybody's had an easier labor in recovery than I have so
just because this is mice it certainly doesn't mean that that's something that would happen to
you I'm still here and I still want more children in the future so let's just start off that way no
matter how bad things could be possibly be I still want another kid I guess I'll start
with the actual story I had my baby I had some tearing I needed to have some stitches I had a
little tear in the perineum area which is the space between your vagina and your anus there's
like a little bit of skin there so it tore a little bit that way and it also tore a little
bit through the side of my labia so I had tearing in two directions honestly that first day I didn't
really think of it I was on a lot of drugs at the hospital but the difficult thing is after
24 hours the hospital that I went through if you have a vaginal delivery they say okay you've been
at the hospital for 24 hours after you had this baby time for you to go home they sent me home
and I feel like honestly I wasn't ready to go home I literally couldn't really walk by myself I had a
lot of pain medications when I was in the hospital but when they discharged me the medications that
were actually prescribed to me were a lot less what I found is in those first couple
of days when it got to be the last hour to that my medicines were starting to wear off I was in
incredible amounts of pain in the very beginning you're getting basically almost no sleep maybe an
hour here and there so I also wasn't giving my body a chance to recover by the time we went in
three days later for Arya's doctor's visit she had a pediatrician visit I said to the pediatrician
look I know I'm here for Arya's visit and you're a pediatrician and you're just here to check out
her but I have to tell you I'm in so much pain she said well I mean if it's really serious you
could go to Urgent Care it was a little bit upsetting to know that like as a human being
I you know mustered up enough even though it's not my appointment to say hey look like I I need some
help and she I felt very brushed off by her I'm having a hard time sitting down I'm having a hard
time walking I'm having a hard time going to the bathroom so I said to myself like I think I just
need to advocate for myself and go into urgent care I got to Urgent Care they checked me in I
was probably there for like at least two or three hours just waiting for a doctor to come down the
regular doctor there they're like we probably need to call somebody down from the Oh be kind
Department the doctor comes and checks me out and she looks you know I can't explain like like such
in a vulnerable painful position she checks me out and she says Oh God and I'm like thinking to
myself when I am in this very very compromised lonely painful position and it's freezing down
here and you're looking at my privates and saying oh god it just made my heart break I felt like my
stomach was in my throat and I just thought this was this is the last thing on earth I want to hear
three days after giving birth but that doctor was also really sweet and she didn't blow me off she
prescribed me some antibiotics and thinking back on that now going in and I think saved
me who knows what could have happened she said I think you have an infection so even if it's
not it's better for you to take these to make sure you heal properly I started feeling a lot
better when I did get the stronger pain medicines and started taking the antibiotics the heavy pain
medicines actually caused a lot of other side effect issues such as you can't go number two
so you kind of have to go on a stool softener at the same time when your body wants to have
a baby it's like it just holds everything back it was a scary experience going number two for
the first time after having a baby I don't think I ever really understood what constipation was in
my life until that section of my life and yes very painful very scary because you don't want
to push and I had this fear that there would be an issue with the stitches everything was okay I
made it through but definitely if if the doctors tell you to take those stool softeners make sure
you take them because I swear having things come out too easily is a lot better than having things
not come out for hours or days when it came to number one that was actually another issue for
me I had quite a lot of urinary incontinence my other friends I've talked to you didn't really
deal with this basically almost at all for about the first month I had to wear diapers I would just
be laying down and when I would get up it would just come out and that is my complete honest
truth and I also think again I will repeat like I don't know how typical that is I felt very alone
and very ashamed and very vulnerable I felt like I couldn't leave the house because what if I had an
accident while I was out I'm not somebody where I consider myself to like look or feel very old for
the first time in my life I really felt the kind of deep empathy for elders who do have those kinds
of problems it's something that's so natural to be able to control your urine that completely went
out the window for me for a time when it started to get better I was wearing pads which honestly a
lot of people do that out of ease anyway because the first couple of months after you have a baby
you basically have the crazy this period of your life because all of the lining that was in there
protecting the baby finally gets a chance to shed and you're not supposed to use tampons or
anything like that so it just comes out a lot of it until you're basically cleaned out and starting
back at Ground Zero on top of the actual physical changes because when the baby comes out your body
is just I mean I looked like I was seven months pregnant plus deflated at the same time basically
for the first several months I would just wear these compression leggings from belly bandit
they helped me to feel like I had support around my midsection because otherwise I just I felt so
weak and I felt like I needed something holding myself together I tried to do those corset type
of things but it would cause so much pain to my down there area which was already in so much pain
I knew I just I couldn't do that and I was like you know what if my body is just going to be lumpy
and floppy and Ripley forever then I guess this is just gonna be what my body's gonna be like forever
I think the two months out point was a really big breaking point for me that's the first time where
I felt like I had a little bit more control when it all started coming back that's when I was like
oh my gosh this is a miracle you know instead of looking at my stomach which before looked almost
like a cottage cheese texture and I just felt like there were stretch marks all over and I was
like how can my skin possibly go back to a normal texture two months later I could start seeing the
beginnings things were still a little floppy but I could see an outline of shape of my stomach and my
waist started going in my hips were still big my boobs are still big which made the whole fashion
game very frustrating and difficult because I didn't identify with my new body as a sidenote
my poor husband because he was like just thought I looked so beautiful and I wanted nothing to do
any kind of physical contact I didn't want to be hugged I didn't want to be coddled I didn't want
anybody holding my hand I was just like no but he was like but you're so beautiful and I love
you it was really frustrating though being stuck inside my body because I didn't relate
to my body I didn't relate to my body shape I felt very detached from myself I felt very much
like I was just being used up for a purpose I just felt like my body wasn't mine you know I
was like okay I'm gonna buy a new pair of jeans and just accept this new body and be like okay
I guess I'm just gonna be curvier Jen and that's the story as soon as a bad pair of new jeans one
week later they didn't fit anymore they literally slid all the way down so I think that was a little
bit of the beginning of realizing that this next whole year was going to be constantly changing
not just seeing my baby growing and changing every week day to day month to month it's astronomical
how much they change but literally myself I had to reassess how I felt about myself like every
week but you know as the months went on I could start seeing my body shrink a little bit more
and more and more also you just sort of get into more of a routine and feel like you get the hang
of mothering by the time you're at about three months Koreans they always say by the 100 days
it's such a huge turning point because being a parent actually starts to become really fun the
babies personality comes out well it's not just the baby I feel like the mother's personality
finally gets to come out again because for all of this time you were not able to know who you were
you're just a function it's not that you forget who you are but who you have become is so far
from any semblance of what makes you a separate person from your baby and maybe it's the hormones
maybe it's the body changes maybe it's just that you know biologically you're supposed to put all
your focus on your baby but it is really hard it is really really really hard losing yourself
in that way mentally a big turning point does come for me at least around six months by the
time I was six months postpartum I was able to fit in all of my old clothes and a lot of them
started to look a lot like they did now I won't say I wanted to wear all of the same clothes that
I wore before I had a baby I definitely wasn't comfortable wearing like crop tops or some things
that looked sort of sexy in any way like I just I didn't want that at all I wanted baggy things and
to kind of feel covered up but at least at that point when sort of my boobs and my shoulders and
hips sort of went back down I could wear baggy things and not feel like I was just a circus
tent of milk and belly and hips right before Aria started actually going on solids she was
taking it so much from me from my physical body breastfeeding like crazy just breastfeeding a lot
it drained me physically I was super dehydrated all the time my skin got super dry my whole body
I don't think I've ever been that skinny in my life I'm not saying this to brag I swear to you
it was at almost a disgusting point you know those cyclists that have like zero body fat and they're
all cheek bones and their stomachs are like you can see all the little tendons in their
abs that's what I looked like except I had giant boobs at the same time and zero but I was like
you know if I walk too far I'd probably just fall over forward once she started taking on more of
her nutrients outside of just me and my personal bodily sacrifice that's when things got a million
times easier she slept better I started sleeping better I started gaining a little bit of that body
fat back on my body and just mentally I started feeling a lot more like myself everybody always
says it took ten months to make a baby so you should give yourself ten months to recover before
you can expect to look or feel like how you did beforehand and I'm here to say I don't know that
you can really expect to look and feel exactly like you did beforehand obviously having a baby
is a huge sacrifice that your body makes and that you make as a human being and maybe my stomach
isn't exactly like how it was before but when I see where I came from and how it is now I'm like
oh my gosh every part of my body is a miracle at the end of the day I feel like all of these things
I used to be so freaking self-conscious about I look back and I think why why did you worry so
much about stuff that doesn't matter that's maybe my takeaway don't get so caught up in all of these
little things that we think are so important oh every time I'm wearing a tight dress I have to
suck my stomach in and make everybody believe I have a perfect ballerinas body you know what I'm
just glad to not feel like a cow I'm just glad to not feel like my guts aren't going to spill
out things that I kind of hated before I kind of just celebrate them now in the end I'll say the
thing that I hate hearing it's all worth it even just human experiences I can't imagine being at
this point and not feeling like everything I've been through was a revelation even outside of the
miracle of having a baby and seeing how incredible that is and seeing how much joy and fullness that
brings my heart it was hard and it was painful and it was gross but at the same time it was beautiful
and it was amazing and incredible and makes me feel so grateful and blessed and humble and it
just makes me think about my body in a way that I never did before sometimes there are things that
happen in your life where as you go through them as much as you try not to say it you wonder to
yourself why is this happening to me but those same things are often the ones where you think
back on it and there are the things that give you evidence that you're so much stronger than
you ever thought was possible and that's how I feel about my recovery and you know I do want
more kids in the future so maybe I'm the crazy one I don't think I would be the same person if I had
experienced it any other way so I hope this gives strength to all you mamas out there and mamas
to be and mamas someday and even if you're never gonna be a mama that it just helps you appreciate
your mom's and some of the crazy aspects that make up life and bringing life into the world
if you found this video to be interesting or heard things you've never heard before or if
you just enjoyed it I would love it if you would give a video a thumbs up feel free to subscribe to
see more of my videos I'll be doing a lot of more mom temper videos so make sure you keep checking
back in to my channel I love you guys so much and thank you ultimately for being here with me as my
extended family and listening to my stories which are hard to say but are also really important
thank you for just being here and listening I love you guys and I'll see you in my next video
you