- All right, we'll be bringing in the first tour in a moment.
Thanks for filling in today.
Our regular Mary Todd is sick.
- This is exciting. - You're gonna be fantastic.
It's a pretty simple reenactment--
just you and I pretend to watch the play,
I say a few lines, and then Jerry comes,
bursts in as John Wilkes Booth,
shoots me, you cry, we bow, that's it.
All right? Any questions?
- Looking forward to hitting the boards with you, man.
- You're gonna be great. Okay.
Oh, here comes the first tour, okay.
- All right, ladies and gentlemen.
This is the very same box in which Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln sat
on that fateful night of April 14, 1865.
Let us now be transported back into time.
- Mary, I'm glad you convinced me
to come to the theater tonight.
We've won the war.
And I can finally enjoy a night out with my wife.
- Yeah, I don't know about that, Abe.
I got a bad feeling about this.
- Ah, well, let's just enjoy the play.
- Nah, you know me, Abe.
Got to trust my gut.
Something about this place gives me the creeps.
- Sic semper tyrannis! - Aah!
- I knew it!
I don't think so, Booth!
- What the hell?
- You see that, everybody?
This guy just tried to come in here
and blow my husband's head off and have sex with me.
- No, no, I did not.
- And that's how it happened, folks.
All right, have a great rest of the day in D.C.,
America's only capital!
Ha!
Ooh, that was fun. You weren't half bad yourself.
- What were you doing?
- Spicin' it up a little bit.
Something I learned on the BK set.
- The BK set?
- Oh, they didn't tell you? That's weird.
Yeah, I'm fresh off filming the Burger King commercial
for those, like, black burgers
that are making everybody crap green.
I had a ton of ad-libs.
- Okay, well, just don't do any of that for the next tour.
- Aye, aye, Lincoln.
- All right, ladies and gentlemen,
let us now be transported back into time.
- Mary, for the first time in a long time,
I feel at peace.
- I wouldn't get too comfortable there, Abe.
Just saw John Wilkes Booth, and he looked a little off.
- Well, I'm sure it's fine.
- Yeah, well, tell that to my gut, Lincoln.
- Sic semper tyrannis! - Aah!
- I knew it! Duck, Lincoln! [gunshot]
Ha ha! Missed him, peckerhead!
You may be a great actor,
but you're never gonna blow my husband's brain out
just to get in my pants!
What do we say, folks?
Huh?
All right.
Y'all have a great day in D.C.
Now, get out of here and never come back.
[laughs]
I never say this, but you suck at ad-libs.
- We're not supposed to ad-lib.
- All right, well, when I was on the BK set,
all I was supposed to do was bite into a hamburger
and go, "Mmm."
But instead, I looked straight into the camera,
and I said, "That's a great black Halloween burger."
And I pretended I was choking to death.
Everybody flipped out.
- Here comes the next tour.
Just please be quiet.
- Your wish is my command. - Shut up!
- Let us now be transported to the past.
- I'm so glad to enjoy a night at the theater.
- Booth, show your face!
I know you're out there!
You hate my husband just 'cause he loves blacks!
- I'm so sorry.
- Booth wants nothing more than to come in here
and blow my husband's head off and plow me,
the most beautiful woman in the land.
But I only plow one man,
and that's Abraham Lincoln.
There's that horny little piece of crap now.
- Hey, come on!
- Let's show him he can't plow me, right, folks?
Look at that!
Just as I suspected--
John Wilkes Booth,
the very same son of a bitch
who tried to blast my husband
and plow me.
Just another night in D.C., folks.
- Hey, you can't smoke in here.
- I'm not. I'm acting.
[cheers and applause]