-Thank you for coming back.
And thank you for playing that game right there.
-The most scary bit about that game was I know I can't spell.
And I was like, "Oh, hopefully it's not a big ingredient."
And then chocolate came up.
And I turned to you, "How do I spell chocolate?"
And then you went, "It's got another 'O.'"
And I was like, "Where?"
-"Chocolato."
[ Laughter ]
I know you have a son. Does your son watch our program?
-He doesn't watch my program. -No, yeah, yeah.
-I don't let him watch me, what I do.
I do horrible stand-up comedy with lots of swear words.
And so I don't let him watch.
My son's favorite bit of entertainment is fails.
I don't know if you're familiar. It's like "Jackass,"
but just people on the Internet are doing it.
Just people getting hit in the nuts and people falling.
And my son think that's great entertainment, right?
-That's his favorite. -Yeah, it's his favorite thing.
I met Steve-O once. And he's like, "Wow, Dad.
You're really hanging in some big circles there."
-Steve-O, yeah. -Steve-O. He's like, "Wow.
That guy was in a port-a-loo just..."
-[ Vocalizing ] Yeah, exactly, yeah.
-But -- So, he watches those things.
In the morning, he just goes downstairs, watches that.
I get ready while he's getting ready for school,
and he just watches fails.
And, you know, in 2006, I was punched in the head on stage.
Someone just ran on stage
and punched me in the head for something I said.
And that's too long a story to tell right now.
But I was punched in the head on stage.
-Oh, my goodness. -My son was watching fails.
I'm upstairs showering.
He just runs upstairs really excited.
And he's pointing at me in the shower going,
"You're a fail! You're a fail!"
And I'm just, like, looking.
I'm, like, going, "It could be better,
but you're not going to be much better, you know?"
[ Laughter ]
-"You're a fail."
-See, my son, I'm not with his mother anymore.
Me and his mother are very, very close,
and she lives just down the road.
And I have a girlfriend now. And she has a boyfriend now.
And everyone gets along. We holiday together and everything.
But, like, her boyfriend is an ex-soccer player
who played, I think, in a World Cup.
He played for the Ivory Coast alongside Drogba,
and he was a real footballer.
And I'm not very good at anything but stand-up comedy.
Anything -- Anything that involves holding something.
Spelling. We noticed earlier.
-Holding something.
-And so now my son is still at that weird age
where he thinks I can do everything.
And he's just slowly figuring out that I'm useless, right?
-Yeah -- -And so I started --
He's like, "Hey, Dad. How do I throw a ball?"
And I'm like -- So, the boyfriend's name is George.
"Go see George about that. George will have..."
So I've delegated all sporting activities off to the other guy.
Now, my ex, bless her.
She's the loveliest woman in the world.
And my son does not lack
for hugs and kisses and cuddles and all that.
But she cannot discipline. Not at all. Not one little bit.
My girlfriend's British. She's like Mary Poppins.
She's like, "Spit, spot. Eat your vegetables. Go upstairs."
Like that.
So me and the ex, we just sit back drinking margaritas going,
"These two are doing a better job...
[ Laughter ]
...than we could ever do."
[ Laughter ]
-That's the way to do it.
-Yeah, it takes a village,
and I'm just the village administrator.
-The delegator. Absolutely. But how about with your parents?
-Oh, I was...
My mother actually passed away a couple of months ago.
-I'm sorry. -Oh, that's okay.
You know, these things happen. But my mom passed away.
And my father, he's like 78.
My whole life, my mother just yelled at my dad.
Every time he went to open his mouth,
she'd just go, "Shut up, Gary.
You don't know what you're talking about."
And my dad would go, "I think there's..."
"Shut up, Gary!"
And then in the last few years,
I started going, "Let him talk.
Maybe he has something to say.
Just let him get his sentence out."
Like this, right?
Man, my mum was dead for about two days
before we figured out how important she was
in the ecosystem of this family.
My father's unleashed now.
And, uh, he has a lot of opinions.
And they're just coming out.
Without my mother telling him to shut up,
the world's going to a horrible place.
[ Laughter ]
I found out -- My dad hates my politics
and doesn't watch my show.
He thinks it's dreadful things that I'm saying.
My father, who hasn't been to America,
told me that there are too many immigrants coming into America,
forgetting that I'm an immigrant in America.
And he goes, "Oh, you're all right.
You're not one of the bad ones."
I think that's code for something
that my dad's trying to say.
I AM one of the bad immigrants. -Yeah.
-I'm the reason the other immigrants
are bringing the drugs in.
You know? It's all supply and demand.
Without me, they wouldn't be doing it.
You don't want a whole lot of immigrants like me.
You'll never get any fruit. You know?
I'm the worst. I host a late-night show.
Could there be a less important job?
No. I mean --
[ Laughter ]
I don't mean you. But...
[ Cymbal crash ]
-Yeah, of course. -You know what we are.
-[ Laughs ] My God. -You know what we are.
We dress up in suits and act excited by things.
-Did you get -- Did you get your, uh...
[ Laughter ]