Clay Andrews: Is your ex's rebound relationship moving fast?
If so, that's what we're going to be talking about in this video. Why it's happening? What
it means for you? And your prospects of getting back together with them. All that sort of
stuff. But first, my name is Clay with modernlove.life, where we help you get the great loving relationship
you're looking for without having to play mind games, without having to play hard to
get, and without having to pretend to be someone or something that you are not. Because you
deserve to be loved for the unique, amazing, and wonderful person that you are.
And if you agree with me, help a guy out with his YouTube channel, hit that thumbs up button,
subscribe to the channel as well. That helps us out as well too. And leave some comments
down below in the comment section specifically, like what are you seeing that's causing you
to be concerned that your ex's rebound relationship is moving really fast? Are they moving in
together? Are they getting engaged? Are they saying, I love you. Or are they making it
like Facebook official or something like that? What makes you think that the rebound relationship
is moving really fast? Also, in this particular video, we're talking
about your ex's emotional world. What's happening for them, that is something we talk about
very extensively in our course called the Ex Solution Program. You can check it out,
down below in the description box. If it seems like a good fit for you, feel free to sign
up. If not, no worries. All right so, it's very common for your ex
to go from your relationship together to a new rebound relationship. I've been doing
relationship coaching for over a decade now. I don't like to put a specific number of years,
because you never know when people are watching this, you might watch it a couple years from
now and go, " [inaudible 00:01:39]". But anyway, I've been doing it since 2009, that's a better
way to put it. And I have seen an increase, actually, during this period of time of people
going from one relationship immediately into a rebound relationship. Of course it has happened,
I think it's accelerating due to issues that we can talk about it in some other video.
But it's happening. And so, if your ex is getting into a rebound relationship, know
that you're not alone, very common stuff. We've helped a lot of clients through that
experience in the past. So, don't think that it's, by any means, a kiss of death, or anything
like that. What's going on is that if your ex's rebound
relationship is moving really fast it could cause you to feel very concerned. You could
think, "Oh my goodness, why are they going so quickly? Is it because the relationship
that they had with me, wasn't real, wasn't genuine? And this one is just like so much
more real, so much more legit than the one that we had. Maybe our relationship was a
lie. And this one's the real deal. Is that why they're moving so fast?" Probably not.
Let's get into this. So, what happens many times during a rebound relationship... Actually,
we should probably take a step back. Rebound relationships are, in effect, the result of
emotional unavailability. Well, now, what exactly does that mean? That means that when
your ex is getting into a new relationship with someone else, typically shortly after
a breakup, a person is, at least temporarily, emotionally unavailable. Some people are more
longer term emotionally unavailable, but that's a topic for another video. We do talk about
that in our video series on emotional unavailability up there.
But in the process of going through a breakup, people are typically, at least temporarily,
emotionally unavailable. And thus any kind of relationship that they get into during
this window of emotional unavailability is going to be not the greatest relationship.
This is where rebound relationships come into play. This is why rebound relationships, often,
have such a poor track record. So, when I say that someone is not emotionally
available, what exactly do I mean? What I mean by that is that they are more interested
in the idea of being in a relationship. The idea of being with someone else, the idea
of having moved on from their ex, the idea of having bounced back first, the idea of
being in some sort of great loving relationship than, they are with the actual person, that's
there with them in the rebound relationship. And so, there's a lot of this idealization,
a lot of this ignoring the red flags, and other incompatibilities and such. And, as
the result of this, they often end up in a rebound relationship.
Now, how this emotional unavailability and how this infatuation with the idea of being
in a relationship, or looking like you're moving on, or something like that translates
into the behavior within the rebound relationship of moving too quickly. How that typically
manifests itself is in, what we call, psychological displacement. And as you say, you and your
ex had a certain degree that your relationship hit. So, I don't know what that was for you
because I don't know your specific relationship. But let's just say hypothetically, you were
talking about getting married. You'd been together for a couple years, you were talking
about possibly getting married. Maybe you hadn't actually gotten engaged, at this point,
but you were talking about it. And, now, your ex and you have broken up, for some reason.
And, now, they're in a new rebound relationship. And, now, that rebound relationship is escalating
very quickly to approximately the same level that they had with you, where maybe they're
talking about getting married, but maybe they've only been together for a few months or something
like that. So, what exactly is happening here that's
causing this rebound relationship to move so fast? Basically, they're taking the dynamic
and the feeling of connection and closeness that they had in the relationship with you.
And they are displacing that onto this new relationship. So, they're creating a similar
level of commitment that they had with you in this new relationship, because it feels
familiar. It feels comfortable. It feels like where things should be.
Now, of course, this is a rebound relationship. And that means that they are probably getting
in over their head way too fast with someone that they may not fully know 100%. And so,
this is one of the reasons why rebound relationships often have a very poor track record of not
working out, of failing, and things like that. Because you get in over your head too quickly
with someone that you barely know. And then, as you start to learn who they are, you're
like, "Oh my goodness? Why are we engaged? And I'm just now finding out that you..."
I don't know, "Have a collection of toenail clippings under the bed?" I don't know. And
so, this is why your ex's rebound relationship is moving so quickly is because of the psychological
displacement phenomenon that's happening. And so, don't think that it's because there's
something fundamentally lacking in your relationship with them that's causing this one to be so
much better. It's just, actually, they're kind of trying to recreate the same relationship
that they had with you, but with someone else. And it's really kind of strange because they
don't actually know this person as fully and deeply as they probably should, if they're
going to be crossing whatever this threshold might be getting. Engaged, or moving in together,
or whatever it might be. So, don't worry about this.
So, what is likely to happen as this is a rebound relationship, first of all, your ex
is probably, at least temporarily, emotionally unavailable because of them coming out of
the relationship with you. The person that they are in the rebound relationship with
is probably also emotionally unavailable to some degree or other, possibly because of
their own breakup, or possibly because of other life circumstances, or whatever. But
they're probably also emotionally unavailable too. Two emotionally unavailable people tend
to gravitate towards one another because, simply put, emotionally available people do
not have the capacity, or bandwidth to deal with emotionally unavailable people. Like
if you were trying to project your fantasies about being married before the age of 30 on
to me, and I'm emotionally available, I'm going to be like, "Hey, that's cool and all
that, but I want to connect with you." And if you're like, "Yeah, but I want to get married
before I'm 30," I'm just going to be like, "Okay, good luck with that. I'm going to go
find someone else who wants to actually connect with me."
And so, basically, they're actively repelling, even though they don't realize it, actively
repelling all of the emotionally available people, leaving only the emotionally unavailable
people who are going to put up with them. And they're like, "Oh really, you want to
get married before you're 30 too? That's me as well too. Let's do this together. All right,
let's get married." And it's like, okay, you're just a person with a pulse that you're in
a relationship with, and you don't know who this person is, and you're already talking
about getting committed. So yeah, anyway, that's a bit of a tangent.
But don't worry about your ex moving quickly in a rebound relationship because, typically,
as one of the people in the rebound relationship starts to greater degrees of emotional availability,
they will start to thaw out a little bit and they will start to actually repel the other
person, who's maybe lagging in their emotional availability, or maybe just close off emotionally
and in a sort of a long-term emotional unavailable pattern for other reasons. And this is really
why rebound relationships have such a poor track record is because as someone steps into
emotional availability, the one who is further behind in their emotional availability...
I should say, the person that's entrenched in emotional unavailability, one of them just
loses the drive to be in the relationship. And that's when a lot of the problems start
to show up. And that's when things that may be originally were red flags that they overlooked,
suddenly start to become a significant concern for them. Or maybe incompatibilities start
to actually enter into their awareness and cause the relationship to hit a lot of struggles
and difficulties. Now, of course, rebound relationships can
work out. Again, all it takes for a relationship to stick together is for person A to say,
"Okay, I want to stay in a relationship with person B and for person B to say, "Okay, I
want to stay in a relationship with person A," and then, boom, they make it work. It
doesn't mean it's going to be great. Doesn't mean it's going to be wonderful, but that's
all it takes for a relationship to happen. But because of this whole emotional unavailability
and transitioning into availability, that is where a lot of rebound relationship issues
start to arise, as well as the psychological displacement of moving too fast, getting in
over your head before you fully understand who the other person is.
So, that's a long way of saying that don't worry so much about your ex's rebound relationship
moving quickly. It's just a matter of where they're at emotionally. It's just them really
trying to recreate the relationship that they had with you, most likely, with someone else.
So, in effect, they're still in a relationship with you. It's just you're not in the relationship,
as weird as that seems. So, if you do want to, actually, get back
together with them what you want to do is you want to stay emotionally connected to
them. You want to welcome them back into emotional availability by staying emotionally connected
to them, by bonding with them, by creating that emotional foundation between the two
of you. So, that as they, hopefully, start to thaw out, they can kind of step through
that open door and create a new possibility for the two of you together.
Anyway, if that is something that you do want some more help with, we do have our course
called the Ex Solution Program. You can check it out down in the description box below.
But, again, I'm not going to twist your arm to buy it, or anything like that if it's not
right for you. But check it out. If it sounds like it's a good fit for you, if it sounds
like it's where you're at, and what you need help with you're more than welcome to join
us. But with that being said, once again, please
help a guy out with his YouTube channel. Hit that thumbs up button for the algorithm. Hit
that subscribe button down below, so that you can get notified when we post new videos.
And leave a comment like what is going on in your ex's rebound relationship that makes
you think it's moving really fast? Are they getting engaged? Are they getting married?
Are they getting a dog together? Are they moving in together? Are they doing something
else? Go ahead and leave a comment down below. And, as well, if you want to learn more about
our take on rebound relationships, the interesting, bizarre, strange world of rebound relationship
psychology, check out this video series over here on rebounds. Or you might want to check
out this video right here. Anyway, once again, my name is Clay. Please
take care. And I'll talk to you next time.