- I'm gonna do some jokes for you all.
(audience laughing)
Hopefully, you'll like 'em.
If you don't, I don't live around here so I don't care.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
Had sex with this girl last month.
(audience laughing)
And I was like, "You like that?"
She was like, "I don't feel nothin'."
(audience laughing)
I was like, "Yes, you do feel that."
She was like, "I don't feel nothin', are you in the room?
"I don't even know if you're in the room or not."
(audience laughing)
I'm like, "I am in the room, I know you feel that.
"I know you do, I know you do," she was like,
"I don't feel nothin.'"
Thank you, I was like, "Hell, naw."
She was just telling me that so I could have
sex with her harder.
She brought out the best in me.
(audience laughing)
I'm a tell y'all something where y'all can keep
y'all relationships together too, all right?
It's this thing that I ran across, it's called,
it's called a vibrating ring.
(audience laughing)
It's wonderful.
(audience laughing)
I'm serious, like, it's this thing, right,
it's like this ring and it's got this silver bullet
on the top of the ring, you put it on your penis
and it's a ring up here too, so and it vibrate
but you doin' two things at once, you know what I'm sayin'?
And like, fellas, don't just get the one that vibrate,
get the one with the cord.
'Cause you don't know what speed your girl like, you know?
(audience laughing)
Be like--
(humming)
Gotta get the one with the cord.
(audience laughing)
And ladies, I guarantee you five climaxes in 15 minutes.
I'm serious, man, my girl, she climax so much,
when she got up to go to the bathroom,
she was just pop lockin' all the way to the bathroom.
(audience laughing)
She dropped down, I lift her shirt back up, like, come on.
(audience laughing)
Got back up here, I got up here from Fort Lauderdale,
Florida, did a show down there, yeah,
whatever the fuck ever.
(audience laughing)
And there was a middle seat open next to me,
I ain't want none of them sitting there talking to me
the whole damn flight so I had to turn my blackness up.
(audience laughing)
Oh, yeah, white people, that's something we do.
(audience laughing)
It's called managing your blackness.
(audience laughing)
See, white people, y'all can be white all day long.
Black people can't be black all day long.
(audience laughing)
Society don't play that.
(audience cheering and clapping)
It's messed up but we have to choose throughout our day
when to be black and when not to be.
(audience laughing)
It's crazy.
That black dude you work with, that ain't how he really act.
(audience laughing)
That is not the real James.
(audience laughing)
(chuckling)
You go on a job interview, you cut that black shit off.
(audience laughing)
You go in there like, ah, yes, it behooves me to--
(audience laughing)
I don't even know what the hell behooves mean.
(audience laughing)
Feel like it go there, you know?
(audience laughing)
So I ain't want none of them sittin' next to me
so I reached to my bag, put my baseball cap,
put it on sideways, put my sunglasses on,
put my headphones on, turned that shit up real loud.
I was like.
♪ Kill these niggas all these niggas ♪
♪ Kill these niggas ♪
(audience laughing)
Didn't nobody sit next to me.
(audience laughing)
They were sittin' on each other laps
before they came to this seat.
(audience laughing)
Soon as they closed the door and locked it, I was like,
whoo, took all that bullshit off and pulled
my sudoku book out, I was like.
(audience laughing)
Gotta manage your blackness.
I remember another time I had to manage my blackness,
I was in Hollywood, leaving a show
and it was two in the morning, everything close
at two o'clock in the morning out there
and I wanted to get something to eat and I knew
the grocery store around my neighborhood stayed open
24 hours so I was like, you know, I'll go there,
you know, and I live in a all white neighborhood,
like all white, like all white.
(audience laughing)
Like if I see another black dude in my neighborhood,
I'll call the police.
(audience laughing)
'Cause I wanna know what that nigga doin' over there.
(audience laughing)
And I know he ain't comin' to visit me.
(audience laughing)
'Cause that's why I moved over there.
(audience laughing)
Get away from niggas.
(audience laughing)
Some of y'all did it too, don't be starin'
at me like that's fucked up.
(audience laughing)
It feel good to live around them white people
that just believe.
(audience laughing)
Just believe in the neighborhood, you know?
Like, true story, I was walking down the street one day
and I saw on this tree, there was a picture,
a reward poster for a missing bird.
(audience laughing)
Some white bitch lost her bird.
(audience laughing)
And thought throughout all this open air, space, trees
and clouds, she thought her bird was still
gonna be in the community.
(audience laughing)
She believed that, she made a flyer!
(audience laughing)
As if I was gonna be walking down the street like, damn.
(audience laughing)
There go that bitch bird.
(audience laughing)
Let me get this reward money up out here.
(audience laughing)
I can't believe he stayed in the community like that.
This one good goddamn bird right here.
(audience laughing)
Man, I wrote on that poster, bitch, your bird is gone.
(audience laughing)
Get a goldfish, ho.
(audience laughing)
2:30 in the morning, I'm finally around my neighborhood
and I'm sitting at the light, this white woman pulled
on the side of me, light turned green, she take off,
I take off, she make a right, I make a right
then she make a left, I make a left
then she pulled into the parking garage
of the grocery store, that's where I was goin'.
(audience laughing)
She parked, I parked right next to her.
(audience laughing)
She got out, was walking to the store,
I was walking right behind her.
(audience laughing)
It was chilly out so I had my hoodie on.
(audience laughing)
All of a sudden she seen me and grabbed her purse
and was like, "What do you want?"
(audience laughing)
I was like, "Snacks, bitch.
(audience laughing)
"Fuck is wrong with you?
"Nobody trying to rob you on your Toyota Tercel, bitch."
(audience laughing)
I can't believe she thought I was trying
to do something to her.
I was like, you know what, I ain't about to let her
live this down, I'm about to terrorize this bitch.
(audience laughing)
So like every aisle she shopped in,
I would walk at the end of the aisle like this.
(audience laughing)
She'll take some cereal off the shelf, my face
would be behind the cereal like.
(audience laughing)
I was like, let me leave this woman alone
before she call the police on me.
(audience laughing)
All I came for is a loaf of bread and some lunch meat.
(audience laughing)
Sitting at the counter, waiting to check out,
all of a sudden I feel this tap on my shoulder,
it's that little white woman.
This what she said to me, she was like,
"I'm so sorry for the way I behaved
"and I would like to buy your groceries."
(audience laughing)
Now in my mind, I'm goin', that ain't gonna
make it better you racist bitch!
(audience laughing)
But I couldn't say that.
I had to manage my blackness.
(audience clapping)
So I went and got more groceries.
(audience laughing)
My shit came out to $836.
(audience laughing)
I wanna ask the white people something, is there anything,
just holler it out too, is there anything that you hate
doing around black people, like you can't stand for black
people to see you doing it, is there anything?
- When we're dancing. - Huh?
(audience laughing)
What she say?
Dancing?
You hate dancing around black people?
Yeah we hate watching y'all dance too.
(audience laughing and clapping)
Yup.
Be like, what is he doing over there, golly.
(audience laughing)
Anything else, nothin' else?
Had this one lady tell me,
what you say? - Peeing at the urinal.
- Being at the urinal?
(audience laughing)
(chuckling)
(audience laughing and clapping)
(chuckling)
I was wondering why y'all leave.
(audience laughing)
They get to the urinal, they just leave,
I be like, racist.
(audience laughing)
(chuckling)
But that's why, huh, okay.
(chuckling)
Gotta remember that one, yeah.
(audience laughing)
I'm a tell you what I hate doing around white people.
I can't stand for when white people see me doing this.
I just cringe up anytime.
Working.
(audience laughing)
Any kind of work, I don't even care, just,
I could be moppin' the floor, white guy come in,
I'll be like goddamn.
(audience laughing)
I look like a colored right now.
(audience laughing)
Might as well shuck and jive.
(audience laughing)
Mammy.
(audience laughing)
I hate eating chicken in front of y'all too.
Or watermelon.
(audience laughing)
And if I'm eating watermelon and chicken,
I wanna commit suicide, I swear to you.
(audience laughing)
True story, something that happened to me.
We got this thing in Chicago called The Taste Of Chicago
and we got booths for miles and miles and miles
just different foods you can taste like from all around
the world and this guy gave me like a handful of tickets,
you know and they got food from all over the world
and what I go get, some chicken, right, so.
I go get this chicken and I'm eating it and there's grease
poppin' everywhere, I'm in my own little world,
you know, lips, bling blingin' right now, you know,
just walkin' and eatin' my chicken, just, you know
and I walk by this fruit stand
and they got seedless watermelon.
(audience laughing)
Come on, brother, seedless?
(audience laughing)
You just don't see seedless all the damn time.
I'm like, seedless?
(audience laughing)
Give me four of those.
(audience laughing)
I was sittin' there eatin' my chicken and watermelon
and grease and juice is combining together,
I'm hummin' to myself.
(humming)
(audience laughing)
It's this white family right on the side of me
with they camera phone like this.
(audience laughing and clapping)
Look at him, he won't stop.
(audience laughing)
We gonna put this on Myspace.
(audience laughing)
I'm sittin' there like, goddamn.
Might as well shuck and jive.
(audience laughing)
Hey, I'm Deon Cole, thanks a lot, Comedy Central.
(audience cheering)
(upbeat music)