Hey, transformative leaders and trauma survivors.
It's Sophilia Lark-Woodbury at thehappymeetium.com.
If someone you love is in a toxic relationship and you just can't for the life of you understand
why they just won't leave, trauma bonding could be the culprit.
This video is going to share with you how to recognize the signs and provide some resources
to help you navigate and understand that much better.
For the best trauma recovery tips, tools, and strategies, be sure to subscribe and hit
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Wednesday.
Welcome back everyone.
If you're new here, I'm a licensed professional counselor, a trauma recovery coach, and a
certified clinical trauma specialist helping individuals and organizations resolve the
effects of trauma and build resilience.
So what is trauma bonding?
Well, a form of Stockholm syndrome, trauma bonding is a psychological condition, or more
aptly put, a survival strategy where a victim who is trapped in a cycle of abuse or a hostage
situation forms a strong or powerful emotional attachment to the abuser or to the captor.
Now, Stockholm syndrome came from a 1973 event in Stockholm, Sweden where people robbed a
bank and the hostages over the course of six days ended up forming a strong emotional attachment
to the bank robbers.
So that's where that concept comes from.
Now Stockholm syndrome is probably more aligned with a kidnapping captivity or a hostage situation
where trauma bonding is more aligned with sort of a more prolonged relationship between
at least two people.
So intimate partner situation obviously is probably the first one that comes to mind
and then also a parent child dyad, or you can even see in some cases a spiritual leader
and a junior member of a church staff or a faith based organization or a congregant.
So you can see that situation in multiple manifestations.
But the concept is pretty much the same.
There is generally a power imbalance where a person in authority is influencing this
behavior of trauma bonding.
Why does a trauma bond form, why does a person not just sit there and refuse to comply or
why don't they fight back?
Well, research suggests that there is a powerful combination of a few things that influences
a person to bond positively with the abuser.
Things like abusive control dynamics.
So maybe the abuser constantly threatens the life of the victim, humiliates the victim,
isolates the victim, surveils, they have surveillance, they're keeping tabs on what they're doing.
And so it's that in connection with exploitative tactics, power imbalances where obviously
there's a person in a position of authority and there is a person in a perceived position
of inferiority.
And so demands made by the person in a superior position influences the person to such a degree
to comply with the demands, otherwise they may be harmed or killed.
And then also that may be combined with intermittent rewards.
So the abuser might actually show some positive qualities, a flash of humanity, if you will.
And this in turn leads to the victim perceiving themselves in a distorted way in relation
to the abuser.
So the attachment is actually a product of the abuser's influential tactics along with
the victim's desperation not to die or to be further harmed.
So how do you tell if someone is trauma bonded?
Well, there are some things that you can use to tell that the person might be in a strong
emotional relationship with the person who is abusing them.
The victim might have positive feelings toward the abuser, as we talked about a couple of
minutes ago where the abuser may show some positive qualities, like they're a good joker
or that kind of thing, or maybe they are expressing some regret for how they're behaving.
The victim may also have negative feelings or aggressiveness toward people who are trying
to help them leave the abuser, or maybe the victim has given up their own identity, their
own interests, and adopted the perspective of the abuser.
In a lot of cases, the abusee is a woman and the abuser is a man.
That's not always the case, obviously we know that.
But maybe let's say the woman who's been abused, she was miss independent, she was singing
that Beyonce song and if you ain't going to put no ring on it, you ain't got none from
me, or however that song goes.
And now she's just like wherever you go, I go.
Whatever you do, I do.
Your life is my life.
And you're like, "Who on earth is this?"
This is not miss independent.
This is somebody else.
So that could be the case.
Or maybe the victim is making excuses for the abuser, feels sorry for the abuser.
She may say that he's a victim too.
You don't know how hard his life was when he was a kid and they're taking on that responsibility.
Maybe they're unwilling to leave the abuser when they have an opportunity to do so, unwilling
to detach from them and start the healing process.
They're disloyal to themselves more than they are to the abuser.
Or they may engage in fawning or people pleasing behaviors where they may be trying to convince
the abuser that they're not a bad person.
You're not a bad person.
We don't need to live like this, maybe we can...
You're a good person, I'm a good person, we can find a different way to live.
A lot of times that's how you can tell that a person is trauma bonded.
So do you recognize some of these signs in the lives of your loved ones, or maybe you
recognize some of these signs in your own life?
If you do, let me know in the comments below.
So those are some of the ways that you can recognize the signs of trauma bonding.
And if you want to break the cycle of trauma bonding in your life or in the lives of your
loved ones, be sure to grab the resources that I have linked in the description on trauma
bonding.
And to continue to navigate your journey through complex PTSD, be sure to grab my body awareness
mind-body guide, and other helpful resources in the description below.
If you're interested in joining a tight-knit group of survivors, healers, and leaders,
I've created a Facebook group where I share the latest advice on the healing effects of
trauma and building resilience.
You can click the link below to join.
Okay, well that will do it for today.
We're going to go ahead and wrap up.
If you liked this video, hit the like button below, share with your friends.
Drop a comment to let me know how this has been helpful for you.
Did you learn anything new?
And if you are ready to take the dive into healing the trauma bond and resolving the
effects of trauma altogether.
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Thank you for joining me today guys, and I will see you in the next video.