- Welcome to my bedroom.
Don't tell my mom I'm drinking wine.
I've kept journals all my life.
When I was feeling super angsty,
I would definitely write down my thoughts.
Of which I have a lot of.
- I'm usually really bad at keeping journals.
- I'm not really good at journaling.
One, I would have to admit my feelings.
Two, it would be hard evidence of my feelings.
- I'm not scared.
This is who I am.
If you don't like it, you can change the channel.
(static)
That was really aggressive.
- This journal dates back to two years ago.
- It's 2015.
- To my credit, this was supposed to be my private thoughts.
And now I'm sharing it years later
with no respect for myself, but we'll unpack that later.
I think I was 22 when I wrote this.
The title of this entry is,
I like the way the spinning is going.
We talked about in avant garde, how poetry is drunkedness
and drunkedness is poetry.
I agree.
I'm spinning with it.
God, I need this.
What am I talking about?
I really feel like I was trying to be
the narrator of my own life here.
You know when you watch a movie, like 500 Days of Summer,
or some (bleep), there's a narrator in 500 Days of Summer.
You know I actually have not seen that movie.
(laughing)
- I was in a very long term relationship, seven years.
This was two months after we broke up.
Also, we were living in the same house.
One of the only ways I felt like I could get through this
or talk about about this was to write this down.
- This is my ex and I sketched him napping
and I was very proud of it.
This is when I was thinking about breaking up
with that person and I literally wrote a pros and cons list.
This is cons, this is pros.
Oof, it's bad.
I compromise his bad breath by holding my own
every time we kiss.
He seems to secretly hold favors against me.
My last two birthdays with him have been sad.
I only think about him logistically, less romantically.
He doesn't explain his anger.
Pros, I feel alone when he's not there.
That is a lame pro.
Obviously I did the right thing.
- Oh my god, this is so dramatic.
Water, give me some water, Cambridgeshire.
It's Cambridge, not Cambridgeshire.
Let me drink this moment in.
Cool me down, Cambridgeshire.
You're spinning too fast.
You're over-boiling.
I'm burning, I'm not ready.
Or am I ready?
Am I making this spin?
Or are you?
What was wrong with me?
Would you be friends with this girl?
I would be weirded out by her.
- It was a Thursday.
I'm feeling (bleep).
I don't know what TV show I thought I was on.
I'm feeling a little down.
Me and my girlfriend have been broken up
for two full months now.
The hard part is not being around the person I love.
To go to bed, to wake up and just waste time
with someone who meant so much to me was amazing.
Ew.
On another note, I would love to say I'm ready to be a ho,
but I'm not confident in that either.
- How many glasses of wine do you think that is so far?
We need to call the police when it gets down to here.
- This was after I broke up with him.
Wow, this is a whole story arc.
Holy shit, I slept in until noon.
Then I woke up kind of nervous that I wouldn't have plans
and why does that freak me out and make me feel so alone?
I know logically that there are people
who care about me and enjoy my company.
Having my own space and things sounds great
but the constant silence sounds awful.
It was very difficult trying to find yourself into the world
'cause this person habitually becomes like,
what are you doing tonight, what are you doing
when you're free at this time?
You forget that you have (bleep) friends,
which is sad, and that should not happen.
- This one is titled blue shoes.
Blue shoes, gone, just gone.
Mom threw them away after I specifically asked her not to.
Those shoes traveled all around England with me.
They helped me develop and grow
and she threw those shoes away.
The witness of my progression, away.
I know I'm being silly, and she did buy me another pair,
but that didn't stop me from screaming at her.
I now am filled with an overwhelming sense of guilt.
Well, you should be, you screamed at your mom
for throwing some ratty (bleep) H&M blue shoes away.
Like you need to chill.
I screamed at her because I liked those flats.
I screamed at her because I feel so disconnected
from the balanced Devin I was in England.
Aww, she just was sad from leaving study abroad.
It all seemed so logical when I was thinking
of these thoughts of self doubt, but now to write them down,
they just don't have the same clarity as before.
Which is the benefit of journaling, right?
You write down your crazy thoughts and you're like,
oh, well, this doesn't make any sense.
- I think it depends on what type of person you are
if you want to go back and read your journals.
If you're just someone that's like,
let me see how much I've grown.
Then, yeah, go ahead and read the history.
- I'm really glad I kept this journal
'cause it shows me how far I've come.
'Cause I don't have these problems anymore.
- Journaling is really healthy for you
and it's comedy years later.
- Go back through your diary,
cry along with yourself in sympathy, why not?
Celebrate how far you've come.
- It's healthy for all of us.
So is wine.
(upbeat music)