So, guys, uh, I saw a really funny comedian the other night.
I asked him to come on and do a tight five for you.
I think you'll like him.
Uh, please welcome Brian Simpson.
-(applause and cheering) -♪ ♪
Yeah.
I don't, uh... I don't help people
when their pets go missing.
(laughter)
No. And when I see one of those signs,
and it's like, "Lost dog,"
I'm like, "All right, that's one side of the story."
-(laughter) -Yeah.
You're using the word "lost," but what if I ask the dog?
Maybe he escaped.
You know?
Those people want you to think their dog's biggest problem is
they can't find them.
But I saw this documentary.
It turns out, the average canine can recognize a familiar scent
for up to 13 miles.
For up to 48 hours.
So maybe your dog know exactly where you are.
-You know? -(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
Yeah.
You just can't handle the fact that he chose the streets.
(laughter)
And you shouldn't be asking black people
to help return a runaway to his master, so...
(laughter, groaning)
Oh, shit. Racism. Here we go.
(laughter)
We don't talk about racism enough
'cause it makes everybody-- white people-- uncomfortable.
(laughter)
Like, we treat racism like herpes.
We just act like it's not everywhere.
(laughter)
Then every now and then, there's a flareup.
(laughter)
And America's like,
"I don't have it. I don't know...
where everybody's getting it from."
(laughter, applause)
And then, all the black people are like,
"Well, this is the only country
"that's been (bleep) me, so...
"why is my freedom so bumpy?
You know what I mean?"
(laughter)
And they hate when we protest.
Just large groups of us piss people off.
America looks at black people
the way cashiers look at pennies.
(laughter)
Like, legally they have to accept us everywhere,
but if you walk in with more than a handful,
everybody's like, "What is this bullshit?"
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
It's true.
Reviews are ruining everybody.
Everybody thinks their (bleep) opinion is valuable
'cause we can review things.
Remember the golden days, remember the early '90s?
If you went out somewhere,
and there was something wrong with your sandwich or something,
you got home, you just had to shut the (bleep) up about it.
-(laughter) -Yeah.
Nobody cared what happened to you at Applebee's
when Bill Clinton was president.
(laughter)
Now every single American is like,
"Oh, I had to ask twice for napkins?"
(laughter)
"I'm gonna put this place out of business. I got..."
(laughter)
-Yeah. -(applause)
You notice people leaving one-star reviews
on national parks?
Yeah.
Somebody gave Yellowstone National Park a one-star review.
And I quote.
"Went camping, only saw one bear.
Bullshit."
(laughter)
How arrogant do you have to be
to give the earth a one-star rating?
It's the only habitable planet.
(laughter)
You can watch ten YouTube videos now and be like, "You know what?
(bleep) the people that have a degree in this."
(laughter)
"I have some theories of my own, Neil deGrasse Tyson."
(laughter)
You know those people that don't believe the earth is round?
Yeah, they call themselves "flat earthers."
And their whole reasoning is, uh,
it don't seem round from here.
(laughter)
'Cause they can't see the curve, they don't think it's real.
Like, there's people smarter than you, dude.
Just accept that. (bleep) what you can see.
(laughter)
You've never seen germs. I bet if I sneeze in your mouth,
you'll make a doctor's appointment.
(laughter, applause and cheering)
(whooping)
Yeah.
And stop assuming that black people's biggest fear
is racist cops.
There's racists in every job.
You know what's more terrifying than a racist cop?
-A racist lifeguard. -(laughter)
WOMAN: Oh, my God!
A racist cop got to at least break a sweat.
Lie to somebody.
A racist lifeguard just has to not notice you out there.
(laughter)
-And you dead. -(laughter)
So ask yourselves...
is it that black people can't swim...
(laughter)
...or have we been the victims
of a decades-long conspiracy
by the aquatic wing of the Ku Klux Klan?
(laughter)
(applause)
Yeah.
Right.
And stop calling the Ku Klux Klan "the Klan,"
like they're the greatest clan.
The Wu-Tang Clan is the greatest clan.
-(cheering, applause) -Yeah.
It doesn't matter what's important to you in the clan.
The Wu-Tang Clan has more members than the Ku Klux.
They've got more hit singles than the Ku Klux.
And if you listen to their music,
they've killed more (bleep) than the Ku Klux Klan, so...
-(laughter) -I'm Brian Simpson, everybody.
Thank you very much.
(cheering)
-Nice job. -Thank you.
Brian Simpson.