- I don't know if you remember this side note,
like two years ago,
a woman tried to register a peacock
as an emotional support animal.
A peacock.
First of all, that's a cry for help we all missed.
Like what kind of emotional turmoil are you in
where you need support from a peacock?
A peacock, have you ever seen a peacock?
Peacock?
It's not, it's not the NBC.
It's not that at all.
It's a more of a,
(warbles)
the head gets (warbles) all crazy.
(warbles)
It makes that exact sound
like a (warbles).
Like a demonic turkey, man.
And the feathers jut like out and at you
because in nature, when a peacock unfolds,
it is a mating call or a defense mechanism.
It's only reason it does either.
It means let's fuck or let's fight.
It certainly does not mean "Calm down,
"it's only turbulence."
These planes are built to handle 100 times worse than this.
A peacock, like what?
The poor woman must have been in such a dark place.
Like this, "Life is meaningless.
"It's like a cloud over my head
"and I'm never gonna snap out of it and I just don't."
(warbles)
"Thanks Philippe.
"You're right.
"I'm gonna push on.
"What are you doing this weekend?
"There's 59.99 round trip flights to Phoenix
"on Spirit airlines, you wanna go?"
I mean, she tried to take a flightless bird on a flight.
It's kind of a dick move.
That's a middle finger to nature.
"God doesn't want you to do this Philippe.
"I do.
"I am your god."
I think a bigger dick move is bringing
a bird of flight on a flight,
like an emotional support falcon.
Don't do that, you're an asshole if you do that.
'Cause think about it, if that flight would start to crash,
that falcon would have to think, "Well, this is bullshit.
"I mean come on, I can do this.
"I'm perfect at this.
"Zero crash possibility.
"It's what I do.
"You can kick the damn hatch open and I'd be fine.
"30,000 feet, no big deal.
"But no, now I'm gonna die inside
"of a contraption inspired by my kind,
"because you have anxiety.
"I have anxiety when I don't fly!
"That's how good I am at it!"
Falcons are very snarky and egotistical.
You don't need to speak bird to know that.
Yes.
In Fair Haven, Vermont, a dog was elected mayor.
A dog was elected mayor.
That makes you think that maybe those "Air Bud" films
were based in true events.
You know, you got to think, there's five of them.
If you're not familiar with the "Air Bud" films, five films,
about a dog that play sports.
And up until now, I was like, "That's ridiculous."
But I don't know.
Clearly dogs can do a lot.
I mean, think about the first "Air Bud" film.
Self-titled, just "Air Bud".
He plays basketball in that one, right?
And it's not like he's LeBron, you know what I mean?
Like he can't dribble at all.
He's useless on defense.
He's was just a perimeter shooter.
They just, he just hangs out by the three point line
they bounce him the ball, he hits it with his nose.
It goes in like half the time.
It's not, you know what I mean?
They're not trying to say he's a star,
but that film's about heart, you know?
Then "Air Bud 3".
That one's titled "Air Bud: World Pup".
Exactly, he's playing soccer now.
Which makes total sense if you think about it.
What's the one rule of soccer?
You can't use your hands.
Dogs don't have hands or arms.
They got four legs and a tail.
They're soccer machines.
You know, you put a dog in Premier League
or La Liga right now, they can start I bet.
Then you skip ahead, "Air Bud 4",
"Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch".
Now we're talking baseball.
At first you're like, well come on.
But no, no, no.
He's not pitching.
He's running the bases.
Dogs are good at running bases.
Also batting.
Not that difficult for a dog turns out.
The musculature of the dog neck is quite impressive.
He just stands at the plate
with the bat in his mouth, right?
Pitcher throws a fucking curve ball, Air Bud just bang,
triples, you know, just whack.
Just line drives all day timing and everything.
He's got it down.
"Air Bud 5".
"Air Bud: Spikes Back".
It's a volleyball movie.
At that point, you know,
he probably aged out of any competitive sport
if we're being honest.
I mean, I'm sorry.
It's just "Air Bud 5" is basically just
the original "Air Bud" but he's in the bikini.
It was a cash grab.
We can admit that.
Now you notice I skipped over "Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver".
Now this is the one I have a problem with
'cause now Air Bud's playing football.
Okay.
Okay, you telling me you got a dog
it's gonna line up at wideout,
staying completely still behind the line of scrimmage before
the ball is snapped as to not draw
a false start penalty, right?
But then the quarterback is gonna call an audible
and the dog is gonna understand the new play.
There are football players who play football half
their lives who don't know all the plays.
They gotta wear a cheat sheet on their wrist,
but the dog is gonna understand the new play
and know to go into motion,
run to the other side of the formation lineup in the slot.
And then once the ball is snapped he's gonna know,
run a 10 yard button hook,
catch the giant football in his tiny ass dog mouth,
and then have the wherewithal to get the first down
then get out of bounds to stop the clock before
the two minute warning.
That is bullshit.
There's no way a dog,
no way.
At least that's what I thought.
So the dog was elected mayor.
His story will be told as well.
"Air Bud 6:
"St. Bernie".
It was in Vermont, come on.
No? All right.
"Air Bud 6:
"Sheba Incumbent".
No? Okay.
All right, no, no, you're right, you're right.
"Air Bud 6:
"Mayoral Sit".
Sit.
Right? Imagine it,
it opens, it's at the end of his first term,
he's holding a rally 'cause he's running
for election and all his supporters are shouting
"28 more years.
"28 more years."
Dog years you motherfuckers.
Oh, okay.
All right.
Maybe I fucking suck at my job.
Maybe,
maybe Air Bud should come do stand up.
I don't think we're that far away from that.
Would probably crush it.
Would be so much more successful than me.
They'd make a movie about him as well.
"Air Bud 7:
"Great Dane Cook".
It's about an up and coming comedian
who wins a big standup competition defeating
his arch nemesis Kat Williams.
There it is.
(upbeat music)