- Go wild and crazy, like Afghani irrigation ditches,
or geographic sinkhole locations, you know.
Don't suggest Area 51. (mumbling from audience)
What was that?
- [Woman] Water based cremation.
- Water based cremation.
That is the kind of high grade suggestion
that we are looking for. (audience applauding)
Water based cremation.
I'll be honest, I have no idea what it is,
but water based, which seems like a contradiction in terms
in itself, doesn't it?
Thing is, I'm gonna need five suggestions
and that's the first one.
You have set the highest bar imaginable.
(audience laughing)
I'm gonna take four.
Right, okay, I feel like we should divide the room up
so everyone kind of gets some thinking time,
and everyone gets a fair shout.
So, kind of in this area here,
what you wanna hear a rap about?
Any of you.
- [Man] Orangutan crosswalk.
- An orangutan crosswalk.
Great, amazing.
Really, you heard her, you were like,
I'm gonna be even more nonsensical.
(audience laughing)
What are two things that have never seen each other,
and like they never will.
Orangutan crosswalk, water based cremation.
Kind of middle front of the room,
that's this kind of semi-circle here.
What you wanna hear a rap about?
- [Man] Golf.
- No!
(audience laughing)
- [Man] Cricket.
- No, that's too obvious, well for a British person.
(audience laughing) (mumbling from audience)
Oysters both are food, and an animal, and obvious.
No.
(audience laughing)
(mumbling from audience)
Camouflage paint.
Yeah, mate.
We all remember our first day working in a garage
or a mechanic, and they were like,
hey, go and ask the guy for some camouflage paint
and a long wait.
I used to work in a gas station, that's okay.
I know, with this face and hands, what?
So, camouflage paint, water based cremation,
orangutan crosswalk.
Back of the room, what's it gonna be?
- [Woman] Stripper panties.
- Stripper panties, yeah. (audience laughing)
That's what we like.
And, in this kind of corner of the room.
What do you wanna rap about?
- [Man] Climaxing dolphins.
(audience laughing) - Climaxing dolphins.
I feel like people are just going,
look, he said no animals,
but if we smash animal to an adverb, then we're fine.
(audience laughing)
So, some of you are like, is that an adverb?
I'm really not sure. (audience laughing)
Is it an adjective?
Adjectives or adverbs, who knows.
So, climaxing dolphins, water based cremation,
stripper panties, camouflage paint, an orangutan crosswalk.
Those are amazing suggestions, thank you for those.
Now, what's gonna happen,
I'm gonna turn those into a completely improvised,
completely made up on the spot freestyle rap.
That is a rap that has never been written,
will never be seen again,
and has never been performed before.
And do not worry, it will not be anywhere near
as astrociously embarrassingly toe-curlingly bad
as you're expecting a middle-class, white, British boy
to be. (audience laughing)
Thank you for that laughter of conviction there.
Just like, oh no, I'm definitely sure this is gonna be good.
(audience laughing) Thank you, sir.
Okay, let's do this.
Let's drop that beat and have some fun.
(peaceful music)
♪ I start decorating walls ♪
♪ You say I can't ♪
♪ But I get a nice tan ♪
♪ Of the camouflage paint ♪
♪ I take the color ♪
♪ I say it goes up here ♪
♪ I don't like the beige or the magnolia ♪
♪ I like my walls mixed ♪
♪ Kind of greenish and brown ♪
♪ And if you're in the woods ♪
♪ You better hunker down ♪
♪ In the gilly suit ♪
♪ That is what the hunters wear ♪
♪ If they wanna suruptisiously ♪
♪ Pick off a bear from far away ♪
♪ But I do it in my dining room ♪
♪ People walking in ♪
♪ They stroll by, don't zoom ♪
♪ And say I never thought this was possible ♪
♪ I went to the hardware shop ♪
♪ At the store ♪
♪ The guy provided me with the can and the colors ♪
♪ I called up all my friends ♪
♪ I gave them a holler ♪
♪ My brother came round ♪
♪ Yeah, he went over there ♪
♪ Use a little paint brush ♪
♪ Not a big roller ♪
♪ We had a nice chat ♪
♪ We had a nice talk ♪
♪ We played the Beatles album ♪
♪ When they're on the crosswalk ♪
♪ Abbey Road ♪
♪ But have you ever even thought ♪
♪ About million years ago, before ♪
♪ They wouldn't have evolved properly ♪
♪ Be a hairy man ♪
♪ Old creature of the jungle, orangutan ♪
♪ Not based in London ♪
♪ Much more farther ♪
♪ Coming from an area called Sumatra ♪
♪ Near Indonesia, near Jakarta ♪
♪ The orangutan's trying to crash into your car there ♪
♪ They just stand still ♪
♪ They look like a chimp but they're different ♪
♪ Chimp are black fur with a pink face ♪
♪ Oragutan look mouth like a coconut ♪
♪ They got their lips going proud ♪
♪ Yeah, they pucker up ♪
♪ And this is one thing ♪
♪ My balls grow bigger if I saw ♪
♪ An orangutan ass ♪
♪ 'Cause a stripper, getting on the pole ♪
♪ Spinning around ♪
♪ And saying, I hope orangutan let's his panties down ♪
♪ I wanna see, yeah ♪
♪ I really prefer ♪
♪ If the curtains and the drapes ♪
♪ Match the ginger fur ♪
♪ Oh, sexy ♪ (audience laughing)
♪ Yeah, I've got a large range ♪
♪ I like the primates ♪
♪ With the fur all arranged ♪
♪ And stripper panties ♪
♪ Oh, this did amaze me ♪
♪ They're so flimsy ♪
♪ 'Cause they're entirely lacy ♪
♪ They last about two shifts on the pole ♪
♪ You gotta make sure you give 'em money ♪
♪ And they go to the store ♪
♪ Buying you the salt in bulk ♪
♪ If you break your panties ♪
♪ You might throw some salt ♪
♪ And say, aw, my best panties are gone ♪
♪ Like golf, I got a hole in one ♪
♪ I work here for you ♪
♪ This is what we do ♪
♪ And when I perish ♪
♪ I will admit to you ♪
♪ That, well, it's strange ♪
♪ It's kind of frustrating ♪
♪ That you have to go in fire ♪
♪ For all that cremating ♪
♪ I've been waiting ♪
♪ Really I know ♪
♪ I wanna mix it up ♪
♪ And mix with the H-two-O ♪
♪ Turn into a powder ♪
♪ Turned into dust ♪
♪ Kind of like an ash ♪
♪ With a faint smell of must ♪
♪ Poured into a pitcher of water ♪
♪ In front of my grieving sons and daughters ♪
♪ And say this is what you want ♪
♪ In the precipitation ♪
♪ River system, water cycle ♪
♪ All of this cremation means ♪
♪ That he will live to ever ♪
♪ Got no mustaches ♪
♪ But still you can put the water ♪
♪ Scatter those ashes ♪
♪ Having fun ♪
♪ Last thing Ib3do ♪
♪ The first word was dolphin ♪
♪ Then we went through ♪
♪ Our whole sets of foreplay ♪
♪ Open that chasm ♪
♪ The finger in the hole ♪
♪ Then the dolphin orgasm ♪
♪ They go click, click ♪
♪ It sounds like a drum track ♪
♪ You ever seen little Flipper do a climax ♪
♪ He does a backflip like Free Willy ♪
♪ If you touch on his free willy ♪
♪ I'm very sorry ♪
♪ That I linked it in town ♪
♪ If I see a child with the syndrome Down's ♪
♪ Swimming with a dolphin ♪
♪ I say in the pool ♪
♪ Please stay away from that dolphin's genitals ♪
♪ They're so famous for getting aroused ♪
♪ And if they do that ♪
♪ Then they jizz on the ground ♪
(audience laughing and cheering)
- What a delightfully unsavory note
to end the evening on.
(Chris laughing) (audience laughing)
This then, lovely people.
To close out the night, a real treat for you.
I know you're excited about this,
even if your faces aren't showing it.
(audience laughing)
It's gonna be a little thing called a freestyle rap.
That is a rap made up on the spot.
It's based entirely on suggestions.
There is no trickery to this.
It is not prepared, it is not rehearsed.
It will never be seen again.
And don't worry,
it's not going to be anywhere near as bad
as you're expecting it to be.
(audience laughing)
Let's drop that beat.
Let's have some fun.
(peaceful music)
♪ Steal a loaf of bread ♪
♪ Then you follow me ♪
♪ Nick five pounds ♪
♪ And it's off to the colonies ♪
♪ In the 1800's ♪
♪ All the things were plundered ♪
♪ They sent all the guys down under ♪
♪ Want to nick a loaf of bread ♪
♪ From a market store ♪
♪ Sorry, you get thrown ♪
♪ In a horrid, dank cell ♪
♪ Or you can be sent on a deathly boat ♪
♪ People were like, I've got no choice ♪
♪ Yeah right, vote to go ♪
♪ To the land ♪
♪ Heat 52, celsius, and also the kangaroo ♪
♪ What about the indigenous people ♪
♪ The 12 there ♪
♪ We were British ♪
♪ We really didn't even fucking care ♪
♪ Doesn't matter though ♪
♪ It's a stain on our legacy ♪
♪ And if you go down to Adelaide you can see ♪
♪ That everybody there's descended from convicts ♪
♪ Even though they say they're a free colony ♪
♪ That's bullshit ♪
♪ 'Cause everybody there is a criminal ♪
♪ Nobody understands ♪
♪ This is true y'all ♪
♪ I've toured there ♪
♪ Two years in the last five ♪
♪ Jesus Christ, I'm lucky that I made it out alive ♪
♪ I'm over there and I must warn ♪
♪ I serve it hard when I'm on the courts in Melbourne ♪
♪ Having lots of fun ♪
♪ Like Lleyton Hewitt ♪
♪ Scoring all the points ♪
♪ Yeah, show you how you do it ♪
♪ Well, I will ♪
♪ I back hand it, always lands ♪
♪ You do the overhead smash ♪
♪ I don't understand ♪
♪ I like to get the slice ♪
♪ I get the top spin ♪
♪ I can hit a ball boy in his spotty chin ♪
♪ He gets knocked on his butt ♪
♪ It comes from above ♪
♪ He gets zero points ♪
♪ And in tennis that's love ♪
♪ Backhand amazed at my favorite hit ♪
♪ That's a tennis bun, yeah, ♪
♪ I'm appreciating grip ♪
♪ What do you think the shape of the earth is, Chris ♪
♪ I'm glad you asked, Mr. Rhombus ♪
♪ I think it's totally flat ♪
♪ Is that true, you know ♪
♪ Yeah, fuck anybody, that says it's a globe. ♪
♪ I'll laugh in your face, bro ♪
♪ That's hysterical ♪
♪ You think that the planet spins spherically ♪
♪ Nah, it's just the shape of a chessboard ♪
♪ And let me make sure we're all assured ♪
♪ That we won't get alien hordes ♪
♪ Coming down from space and trying to blast us away ♪
♪ With their phasers in our face ♪
♪ Trump's got our backs ♪
♪ Yeah, of course, he puts federal funding ♪
♪ Building up a space force ♪
♪ Like Reagan did, it's like the Star Wars program ♪
♪ This shit will open doors ♪
♪ We'll get Elon Musk and instruct him ♪
♪ To lead us to alien destruction ♪
♪ Why every corner of the planet's safe, you see ♪
♪ Because it's shaped like a square with the vertices ♪
♪ That's the edges, diagonal ♪
♪ Arrows to go ♪
♪ We did the prison colony ♪
♪ And I must say so ♪
♪ Remind me what the other one was ♪
♪ The beer in my thing gave me a mild buzz ♪
♪ Okay, this is amazing ♪
♪ I like retro asses ♪
♪ A buck teeth while I wear thick rimmed glasses ♪
♪ My name's Michael Myers doing the accent ♪
♪ Michael Caine also went and doing some acting ♪
♪ But Mike Myers, he played Fat Bastard too ♪
♪ It was the Scottish guy ♪
♪ An easy accent to do ♪
♪ Get in my belly ♪
♪ That's what he used to say ♪
♪ Really, released 20 years ago, probably today ♪
♪ Has anybody thought of it, recently ♪
♪ There was Verne Troyer ♪
♪ He played Mini Me ♪
♪ Austin Powers was Dr. Evil ♪
♪ With a little finger ♪
♪ On a date, in the past ♪
♪ A girl, I would bring her and say ♪
♪ We can while away the time and hours ♪
♪ She says, "Is your sense of humor Austin Powers?" ♪
♪ Yeah, I like the bit ♪
♪ My taste is amounting ♪
♪ I like the bit where he sips water ♪
♪ And pissed in the fountain ♪
♪ To pretend that he was the angel on top it ♪
♪ Were there anymore things that we need to do the- ♪
- Were there any other ones?
I'm good, 'cause the beat ended.
There you go.
(audience cheering)