I have an exciting addition--
I don't even think you know about this--
on the set today.
Did you hear about-- there's a wildlife sanctuary in England
that had to get rid of a bunch of parrots
because they kept swearing.
Did you hear this?
It's true.
And I love animals.
I love rescuing animals.
So I thought, I'll give one of the parrots
a home here in my bushes.
There he is right there in the bushes.
And hopefully he won't swear now that his friends aren't around,
you know?
Bollocks.
Fanny.
Bugger off.
Well, I guess he is going to swear.
At least those are British words.
I don't think they mean anything here.
What are you talking about, you cog wanger?
Cog wanger?
I've never heard of a cog--
Here she is now--
Tig Notaro.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
(SINGING) Hey, everybody.
Stop watching Ellen.
Look up here.
Watch me instead.
It's the Tig Show.
Tig Show.
Not Ellen.
Yeah.
All right.
Not this again.
And my swearing-parrot bit was going so well.
Thank you.
Thank you all for coming to season two of The Tig Notaro
Show.
Tig--
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Tig, you're still doing this?
Excuse me one second, Ellen.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, audience.
Hold on one second.
Yes, Ellen?
I read the teleprompter wrong.
Hi, Ellen.
Yeah, after some lengthy contract negotiations,
they renewed me for a second season.
I even have a theme song.
What'd you think of it?
It was-- yeah, it was good.
Well, anyway, thanks for letting me use your skybox for my show.
I don't let you use it.
You just show up.
Actually, I've been here all summer.
Someone accidentally locked me in the skybox on March 13
when the pandemic hit, and I've been here ever since.
Oh my gosh.
You've been here since March?
Gad bawlers, that's a long time.
Quiet.
We're pretty much done with that bit.
Tig, what did you do in the skybox for the whole six
months?
Well, Ellen, I started the world's very first podcast.
It's my global hit sensation Don't Ask Tig,
and it's available at the Tig Shop.
Anyway, how was your summer, Ellen?
Oh, I don't really want to get into that.
Hey, we've been through this before.
It's a little distracting when I'm trying to do my show
and you're doing your show at the same time.
It's too late.
My audience is already here.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
All right.
Thank you.
And I have a Tig shirt for you and you.
And you get one.
OK, Tig.
And you get one.
Tig, they're not there.
They're on iPhones.
You can't-- they're not enjoying the T-shirts.
Well, my band leader is here.
Play us something, mustache guy.
You can't hear him because of the plexiglass.
But it sounds-- muah.
Well, at least you're being safe.
I'm actually way ahead of the curve.
I've been social distancing for a couple of years now.
I like to stay away from people.
OK.
Great, Tig.
I've got to get back to my show.
Fiddle faddle, you sure do.
Look, as much as I want to see the end
of this hilarious bit, Ellen, I've got a huge guest today.
Well, what huge guest would possibly show up in the skybox?
Let's not be condescending.
Are you ready for this?
Tom Hanks is going to be here.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
All right.
There's no--
Right here.
There's no way that you got Tom Hanks.
I did, Ellen.
And ladies and gentlemen, please welcome,
live via Zoom, Tom Hanks.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
This is ridiculous.
Hi, Tom.
I thought we could start by talking about shoes.
I bet if I think about it real hard,
I could remember my first pair of shoes.
Tig, you're not talking to Tom.
You're playing a clip from a movie.
Quiet, Ellen.
I'm talking to Tom Hanks.
Tom, you're really here with me, right?
I'm here with you.
All right.
Tig, now we've run out of time.
We have to go to commercial.
Bloody hell.
Tom, Ellen says we're out of time.
No, we have time.
We do.
We have time.
Look, the wind's still blowing in from the west.
OK.
Well, we'll be back.
We are back, and I realized we haven't played any games today.
And I'm going to change that right now.
I'm going to give one of my audience members
a chance to win some money in one of my favorite games.
And it's--
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to play
one of my favorite games, Holey Roller.
Tig-- Tig, what are you doing?
I have to finish my big season premiere
with my hugely popular original game, Holey Roller.
So--
That's not your game.
That's my game, and you stole it.
I didn't steal it.
Your game inspired me.
Now, who wants to play the hardest
game in daytime television?
Tig--
Please welcome my contestant, Brenna.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Tig-- Tig, you're not allowed to have people in there.
Was she even tested for COVID or anything?
It's fine.
She told me she doesn't have COVID.
We use the honor system, Ellen.
But to be safe, stand six feet away from me over there
by the game.
OK.
All right.
Now let's see.
Let's see what you're playing for here.
$50,000.
Tig--
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Tig, your show doesn't have $50,000.
Don't worry.
I've seen you play this game.
It's super hard.
There's no way she's going to get it--
get it in.
I'm not good with teleprompters.
You know this, Ellen.
Now, mustache guy, can we get a drumroll?
Well, we can't hear--
Go ahead, whenever you're ready.
What's that?
We can't hear him because he's behi-- anyway, go ahead.
Yeah, he's behind there, taking all safety precautions.
She's going to get it in.
She's right there, Tig.
Oh my God.
You just won $50,000!
Ellen, I need to borrow $49,500.
You can't borrow $49,500.
I'll talk to my friends at Shutterfly.