Hey there, this is Clay with RelationshipInnerGame.com.
Now I know that a lot of people have been talking about the No Contact Rule and I know
that we have also been kind of talking about in our own way, uh, the Active No Contact
rule and how it's different from other forms of No Contact or the forms of Passive No Contact,
right?
Um, and so what I want to do is just kind of educate you a little bit further in Active
No Contact and tell you it's really important that you understand before you go ahead and
start ANC.
Okay?
So let's go ahead and get right into this.
Uh, number one Active No Contact is not just about cutting contact with your ex for 30
days or whatever it might be.
And then just kind of distracting yourself, keeping yourself busy, right?
Oftentimes a lot of people will think that, and I understand because there are other websites
out there they're telling you like, yeah, man, No Contact Rule is about distract yourself.
Keep yourself busy.
You just don't contact your ex for a month or whatever it is.
Right?
And it's easy to kind of get that confused with ANC, especially when you don't really
understand that there are different types of No Contact, right?
So oftentimes, other websites, other books or resources might tell you about the No Contact
Rule, like it's the "one and only" No Contact Rule, right?
But there are many different flavors of No Contact and most of them are unfortunately
kind of passive and kind of not very effective.
That's where this whole idea that No Contact is about just cutting contact and distracting
yourself, keeping yourself busy, healing from the breakup, all that stuff, right?
And don't get me wrong, it's absolutely good to heal from the breakup, but like if you're
just distracting yourself from the pain that you're going through, that's not a very good
coping mechanism and it's not going to really inspire any good change in your situation.
Sure it might get you through a day, but it isn't going to get you through the day after
that or the day after that, day after that.
Like eventually there's gonna come a time when you're going to have to actually feel
your emotions.
And actually deal with that stuff, otherwise you're going to be one of these scarred people
who has a massive chip on their shoulder and hates all women or all men or something like
that.
And that's not fun.
I don't want that for you.
That's honestly a pretty terrible place to go about trying to get a new relationship
moving forward.
Don't think that ANC is about just distracting yourself and keeping yourself busy.
It is about so much more than that, but we'll get into that in a moment.
Okay?
The second thing I want you to understand about the Active No Contact Rule is that you're
not doing this to change your ex, right?
You don't just do ANC whenever your ex doesn't want to talk to you, whenever your ex isn't
responding to your messages or something like that.
And whenever you feel like you need to punish your ex, right?
I understand that a lot of people have this belief that ANC is something that you do to
make your ex miss you or you do it to make your ex jealous or something like that or
make them think that you're moving on or something like that.
And, I get it, I totally get it.
You know, when you're going through a breakup, when you want to be in a relationship with
somebody, but that person doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.
It can feel very disempowering.
It can feel very hopeless.
You can feel like you're not able to really do what you want in the world.
And when somebody comes out and says, yeah, you got to like reclaim your power and make
your ex miss.
You've got to reclaim your power and punish them for not talking to you or something like
that.
It can feel a little bit empowering.
It can give you a little bit of a sugar high or a boost, like making you think like you
get the last laugh and you're like one upping them somehow or something.
And, I totally get that, but again, that's not really going to help get you where you
want to go in terms of getting back together with your ex, right?
So like number one, if you're just trying to get over your ex and you just want to feel
powerful or something, then fine, go for that.
But if you actually want to get back together with your ex and have a good relationship
with them, a form of interaction or friendship or whatever it might be with them, then don't
think that this power play a way of doing ANC is really going to help you out.
Because again, ANC is not about changing your ex.
It's not about, okay, well I'm gonna do ANC.
I'm going to do Active No Contact.
Then my ex is going to miss me and then they're gonna reach out to me.
Or I'm going to do Active No Contact.
And then they're gonna feel bad because they're missing out on my life or something like that.
Don't think that that's what ANC is about.
ANC is about you.
It's about changing your relationship with yourself and how you bring yourself to interactions
in general.
But we'll get to that in just a moment.
Okay.
And that brings us to the third thing I want you to know about ANC before you start and
that is that nothing is going to change in your situation by cutting contact with your
ex, unless you actively do something to make things different.
Okay?
Nothing's going to change.
Just cutting contact and ignoring your ex.
Sure.
There's a chance that might make them miss you or think they're missing out or something
like that.
But there's no guarantees of that.
Your ex might not miss you, they might not reach out to you.
I don't know., so I don't want to just make that bet and just see if it works out.
I want to guarantee that something good is going to come from me doing ANC, right?
So what I want to do is I want to be an active participant in Active No Contact, it's not
just about cutting contact, distracting yourself, looking away, keeping busy, punishing your
ex, feeling powerful or anything like that, right?
Active.
No Contact is basically creating a space for you where you're not constantly agitated by
reaching out to your ex or your ex reaching out to you or like, oh my God, they just did
this thing on facebook.
What do I do about it?
Instead, it's creating a space where you don't have to worry about that and instead you can
focus on cultivating a series of Advanced Relational Skills.
These series of interpersonal skills that will help you connect and bond better with
your ex so that when you come out of this period of ANC, you will be much more easier
to interact with much more easier to connect with emotionally, much more, easier to trust,
much more easier to commit to.
And all of these good things that I'm sure that you may want from your ex, right?
I'm taking it as a given that you are going to do and see and you know, heal from the
breakup.
I'm taking it as a given that you are going to do and see and uh, you know, improve your
life and all that stuff, but based on that shell, that envelope, that safe space of ANC,
what are you going to do to actually make your ex want to connect with you and interact
with you in a better way?
That is what puts the "Active" in Active No Contact.
That is what separates Active No Contact from the other forms of Passive No Contact out
there where you're just, you know, not picking up the phone and eating a carton of ice cream
as you watch sad movies on the couch all day, right?
That's not going to get your ex to want to get back together with you.
What you want to do is work on your interpersonal skills, work on your Advanced Relational Skills
so that you can interact with them and guarantee that when the two of you get back in touch
with one another, that you are going to have much better interactions, as much stronger
interactions, a much more high quality emotional connection to the point where they're going
to be like, why did I break up with you in the first place?
Maybe we should start dating again, something along those lines.
Right?
And if that's something that you want to do, please head on over to RelationshipInnerGame.com
and sign up for our newsletter over there.
Okay.
And once you sign up, you'll start to get a tips and strategies to help you get back
together with your ex will help you with Active No Contact.
We'll also help you with all of the other aspects of getting back together with your
ex, such as, you know, how to contact them, how to interact with them, how to handle difficult
situations like rebound relationships or when they say, well, let's just be friends and
stuff like that, right?
So head on over to a RelationshipInnerGame.com And sign up there if you'd like to get more
help from us, to get back together with your ex.
After you do that, please subscribe to this youtube channel and hit the like button down
below.
So again, this has been Clay with RelationshipInnerGame.com.
And I'll talk to you in the next video.