When trust is lost, you can’t just ignore it.
Many couples think they can just talk through the problem and everything’s better.
But it doesn’t really work like that.
Trust is a lot more fragile than it seems sometimes.
If your partner cheated, or was talking bad about you behind your back, and vice versa,
it takes more than a simple conversation to get through it.
Ignoring the fact that the trust between you two was damaged, will only make things worse.
Yes, you need to talk about what happened, and come to a solution, but you also need
to talk about how to proceed with restoring trust.
Come clean and know what you are going to say.
Now is the time to come clean about whatever it is, that you have done to wrong your loved
one, friend, co-worker, or someone else who you hurt, by breaking their trust.
It is better for you to admit your wrong doing, and genuinely seek forgiveness.
Make sure your heart is in a state of seeking forgivness, and wanting to heal the relationship
by telling them.
If you are angry and blaming them for your wrong doing in any way, then you are likely
to cause more division, rather than getting on the right path toward healing the relationship.
If the violation you are coming clean about, is in regard to infidelity, then you should
admit your wrongdoings without giving graphic details.
Your loved one does not need to be hurt, with details pertaining to the specific sexual
encounter.
Expect an emotional reaction from the other person.
Admitting that you betrayed someone, is not going to make things easier immediately.
On the contrary, you can expect an emotional outburst—yelling, crying, and so on, from
the other person when he or she hears you admit your betrayal.
But remember, the best way to move on, is by putting it all into the open.
Apologize.
This one should be obvious, but unfortunately, sometimes it gets overlooked.
How you approach saying your apology, will influence whether or not the apology is accepted,
and you both can move on.
* When apologizing, avoid justifying your actions.
Don’t claim that the offended person misunderstood you, (“you read that wrong”).
Don’t deny their hurt, (“you didn’t even get hurt”).
Don’t tell a sad tale, (“I had a troubled childhood”).
* The best way to accept responsibility, is by recognizing the other person’s hurt,
saying what you should have done instead, and doing that behavior in the future.
* Let the person you betrayed, know why you are apologizing.
If they know that you are apologizing out of guilt and shame, they are more likely to
forgive you.
If they think that you are apologizing out of pity, they are less likely to forgive you.
Pity, unlike guilt and shame, does not show an element of personal responsibility of the
offender.
Pity also implies that the offender is superior to the offended.
Show Commitment.
Both parties, especially the betrayed, may be questioning their commitment to the relationship,
and wondering if the relationship is still right for them or even salvageable.
Acts of empathy—sharing pain, frustration, and anger; showing remorse and regret; and
allowing space for the acknowledgement, and validation of hurt feelings, can be healing
to both parties.
Building off of this, defining what both sides require from the relationship, can help give
partners the understanding that proceeding the relationship, comes with clear expectations
that each person, in moving ahead, has agreed to fulfilling.
Both parties must work to define what is required to stay committed, to making the relationship
work.
In communicating this, avoid using words that can trigger conflict.
(e.g., always, must, never, should) in describing what you see, expect, or want from your partner.
Instead, choose words that facilitate open conversation, and use non-blaming, "I" statements.
For example, favor "I need to feel like a priority in your life", over "You never put
me first."