WE'RE STILL SORTING THROUGH THE RESULTS OF LAST NIGHT'S DEBATE.
WE KNOW DONALD TRUMP WATCHED BECAUSE THEY WERE A THING THAT
HAPPENED ON THE TEE-VEE.
AND THE PRESIDENT HAD SOME CHOICE WORDS FOR ONE CNN'S
MODERATORS:PP >> CNN'S DON LEMON, THE DUMBEST
MAN ON TELEVISION, INSINUATED LAST NIGHT WHILE ASKING A DEBATE
"QUESTION" THAT I WAS A RACIST, WHEN, IN FACT, I AM "THE LEASTTH
RACIST PERSON IN THE WORLD."
OH YEAH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE LEAST RACIST PERSON IN THE
WORLD.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) W LISTEN UP, EVERYBODY.
THE DUMB BLACK GUY THINKS I'M A RACIST.
ALSO, THAT "LEAST RACIST PERSON IN THE WORLD" QUOTE SOUNDS
FAMILIAR.
WHERE HAVE I HEARD THAT BEFORE?
>> I AM THE LEAST RACIST PERSON THERE IS ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN'T QUOTE YOURSELF.
( LAUGHTER )
A VERY WISE MAN, "YOU CAN'T QUOTE YOURSELF.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE TWEETED ON:
"PERHAPS SOMEONE SHOULD EXPLAIN TO DON THAT HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE
NEUTRAL, UNBIASED & FAIR-- COMMA, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT,
DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT-- OR IS HESU TOO DUMB-- STUPID-- TO
UNDERSTAND THAT."
( LAUGHTER )
WOULD HAVE BEEN A LITTLE STRONGER IF YOU HADN'T USED A
PARENTHESES AND A BRACKET.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
STUPID.
( LAUGHTER )
MOST SURPRISING SPLASH LAST NIGHT WAS SELF-HELP AUTHOR AND
HIGH PRIESTESS SAYING, "BRING ME THE CHILD," MARIANNE WILLIAMSON.
AFTER LAST NIGHT'S DEBATE, WILLIAMSON BECAME THE MOST
GOOGLED CANDIDATE, IN PART BECAUSE SHE SAID STUFF LIKE
THIS: >> IF YOU THINK ANY OF THIS
WONKINESS IS GOING TO DEAL WITH THIS DARK PSYCHIC FORCE OF THE
COLLECTIVIZED HATRED THAT THIS PRESIDENT IS BRINGING UP IN THIS
COUNTRY, THEN I'M AFRAID THAT THE DEMOCRATS ARE GOING TO SEE
SOME VERY DARK DAYS.
>> Stephen: FUN FACT: "SOME VERY DARK DAYS" IS WHAT TRUMP CALLS
BLACK HISTORY MONTH.
>> Jon: OH, MY!
>> Stephen: TRUE, TRUE STORY, JON.
TRUE STORY.
THOSE WHO DID GOOGLE WILLIAMSON FOUND SOME INTERESTING STUFF,
FOR INSTANCE, WILLIAMSON HAS CONTROVERSIAL VIEWS ON VACCINES,
CALLING THEM "ORWELLIAN."
YEAH, REMINDS ME OF GEORGEER ORWELL'S LAST WORDS, "HI, I'M
GEORGE ORWELL.
I DIED OF TUBERCULOSIS WHEN I WAS 46, AND I REALLY WISH
THERE'D BEEN A VACCINE FOR IT."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT JOKE IS DOUBLE-PLUS-GOOD.
PLUS, IN HER BOOK, "RETURN TO LOVE," WILLIAMSON WROTE, "AIDS
CAN BE THOUGHT OF AS "ANGELS-IN-DARTH VADER-SUITS."
AND TOLD PEOPLE WITH THERE DISEASE TO "IMAGINE THE AIDS
VIRUS AS DARTH VADER, THEN UNZIP HIS SUIT TO ALLOW AN
ANGEL TO EMERGE."
DO YOU MEAN THIS ANGEL? H HERE'S A PRO TIP FOR ANYBODY OUT
THERE SEEKING MEDICAL ADVICE: "THIS IS NOT THE CURE YOU'RE
LOOKING FOR." Y
SO, SO THERE ARE A LOT OF KOOKY THINGS ABOUT MARIANNE
WILLIAMSON'S PAST, BUT THESEER DAYS, SHE'S TRYING TO APPEARRE
MORE POLISHED AND PRAGMATIC.
LET'S SEE HOW THAT WORKED OUT FOR THIS CHILD REPORTER AFTER
LAST NIGHT'S DEBATE.
>> DO YOU HAVE A PET?AP >> DO I HAVE A PET?
I HAD A CAT, AND THE CAT DIED.
>> Stephen: "YES, YES, JOHNNY, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE-- YOU,
ME, YOUR GRANDMA-- AND IT'S BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T PICTURE AN
ANGEL INSIDE DARTH VADER'S SUIT."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK