She thought it was more likely, that I had shat myself. Rather than entered into womanhood.
My first period was a complete disaster, mainly because my mum refused to believe me. To be
fair it was pretty unexpected because I was 14 and I was watching inspector Ross.
I just got the hormones jumping.
I was sat watching the programme and I was like… Yeah I’m gonna ago to the toilet.
Somethings kicking. Yeah.
And I sat down on the toilet. And I just remember being absolutely astounded, like ‘What is
this alien form on my knickers?’
It is horrible that first time that you see it.
I remember, I was like ‘Alright, I’ll ask my mum. She’ll know what to do.’ I
was like mum ‘I think I’ve started my period.’ She went, ‘No you haven’t.’
I was like ‘I think I have, what’s this?’ Pulled my pants down. She went ‘That’s
not your period. You couldn’t have started your period before your older sister’. And
I was like ‘Well what is it then?’
The whole time you’ve got your pants down.
Yeah, I’m just like ‘What is it? Tell me what it is Mother!’
What’s happening?
And sh was just like ‘That’s not your period. That’s leaky diarrhoea.’ And I
was like ‘What? Leaky diarrhoea?’
Leaky diarrhoea. No she didn’t.
Because you know how it’s like, not red straight away, it’s like brown.
Yeah, It does go a gunky brown, doesn’t it.
It’s like a brown colour so that’s why, that’s why I had the doubt. She didn’t
just want visual evidence. She also…
No she didn’t.
Yeah. She smelt it. We both smelt it.
You didn’t.
You would’ve known it wasn’t leaky diarrhoea.
She still was in doubt. ‘I don’t know Zara, still think you’ve shat yourself.’
You immediately went, do you know what. Fine. If you say it’s leaky diarrhoea…
She’s your mum, you trust her don’t you.
Yeah.
She tells you all about periods.
If my mum rang me up now and said ‘You’ve shit yourself’ I’d check.
She didn’t sent me to bed with a sanitary towel or a tampon, she sent me to bed with
some Imodium. And I went to sleep that night and I was just like ‘What is happening to
me?’ The next day I woke up and I screamed because it was like a scene from The Godfather.
Like hardcore red.
And my mum came upstairs. And she took one look at me and she was like, ‘Yeah… Maybe
you have started your period.’ What baffles me is my mum is a nurse. I think this might
be the reason the NHS is in crisis. My sister has now birthday a child, so everything is
fine.
That’s great.
But yeah, she had four polycystic ovaries, so…
That’s why you were accused of having posed yourself at age 14.
About when I was 16 and I was staying at my first ever girlfriends house. First time ever
doing anything like that. Meeting he parents for the first time. And I go into their house.
It’s like a show house, like the cleanest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. You take
your shoes off when you walk through the door, you don’t touch anything…
Oh no.
You don’t blink too hard and I was nervous to meet them because I was like if this place
is this posh then they’re gonna be like posh as well. So I wanted them to like me.
During the night, I got out of bed to go to the bathroom and I’m walking along this
carpet, like plush white carpet.
Who has white carpet?
Idiots have white carpets.
Who has it stay white?
Well, these people because they hoover it all the time. That’s my example of a posh
family. Always hoovering they are.
Erm, suddenly I felt this sort of movement non my… area.
Yeah.
An you’re thinking…
A flow
I don’t think I’m gonna wet myself, but something’s going off.
Yeah.
All of a sudden it’s just like a barrage, basically, of just… flow. You know that
scene in the day after tomorrow when the water’s coming and they all go ‘Run!’ And they’re
like climbing over cars and things. Well I ran into the bathroom like that, like fearing
for my life. And you’re sort of holding like that and you’re going ‘Nooo!’ Just
trying to stop it from going in the carpet and I’m the whitest cleanest bathroom that
I’ve ever seen in my life.
Oh my god.
I was mopping it off the floor, but obviously it’s still coming… Coming out. And I stemmed
it and I’m holding the tissue between my thighs and wrapped a very nice white towel.
Wrapped it around me. And I had to then waddle from the bathroom back to the bedroom. Bathroom.
Girlfriend’s parents’ bedroom. Girlfriend’s brother’s bedroom. Girlfriend’s bedroom.
So it was the furthest one away. You know when you’re just lie… Screw it. And you
run. So I’m like waddling, like down the corridor.
So weird.
I looked… insane.
Can you imagine if they were just like… Just me first time meeting them. Just this
random teenage girl just there like…
Hello.
Put my jeans back on. Middle of the night. Put my pyjamas and my pants and then knocked
the towel as well. Put it in a bag. Took everything.
It’s like you were some sort of murderer or something.
I put all the evidence into the bag. And then went to sleep in my jeans. And then the next
morning my girlfriend was like, ‘Why do you have your jeans on?’ I was like ‘I
don’t even know what you’re talking about? Why wouldn’t you have your jeans on?’
So what did you do with the white towel?
I threw it away.
You literally destroyed the evidence.
In, like, the whey bin outside my house. If any neighbours had seen that, just looking
out the window, just me getting a bloody towel out of my bag. Threw away a perfectly good
towel, but I was like nobody can know about my perfectly natural period.
I think a lot of us have thrown away a lot of things, that have just got soiled.
Yeah. Telling this story on this I think I’ve just thrown away that relationship with that
friend.
Did you tell her?
No.
She doesn’t know?
This is how she’s gonna find out.