porn partners and rejection i'm dr trish leigh cognitive neuroscientist and sex
addiction recovery coach in this video i want to talk about those three things first we're
going to talk about porn and the impact that it has on how you perceive yourself
and how you perceive a potential partner or your partner and it's not good so stay tuned for that
and then number two what we're going to talk about is your partnership so if you're these are
the three options that we're dealing with when we talk about partners number one you have no
partner and you want one and i have found i talked to hundreds thousands thousands of people honestly
now but i talk to people all the time about their porn use and my first question is enough
first but a first question is do you have a partner and it's either yes or no then if they
say no i say do you want a partner every time actually it's 10 out of 10 times the answer is
yes people usually want partners so your choice is you do not have a partner and you want one
you do not have a partner and you do not want one and usually it's either that culturally
you're not able to have a partner or have a partner yet and i've talked about that in
other videos so i'm going to touch upon that but jump over it most people who don't have partners
want one so if you fall into that very small percentage of people who don't want a partner
then you know i i'll have a little ditty for you but we'll we're going to move on to
the third group is people who have partners so we're going to think about porn how it shows up in
finding or having a nice partnership and then lastly we're going to talk about rejection
because i know rejection is a really big thing for people who are trying to find a partner or if you
have a partner and the dynamics are all thrown off because of likely because of pornography use
and how it shows up in your life and you might not even know that rejection can be part of that
especially if you are initiating sex sex a lot and you're being rejected it shows up in your life in
your relationship so we're going to talk about that so let's dig in number one how does porn
impact the way that you view yourself and your partner okay well we know that porn use increases
infidelity by 300 percent so essentially what happens is you find your partner less attractive
that's not good for anybody obviously because if you are less attracted to your partner
then that shows up in your physical relationship we also know from the science that pornography use
creates body image issues for men themselves so men more than any other time in history
have a poor body image their self-worth is being decreased their self-esteem so if you
fall into that boat you're not alone we know that the numbers are going up on people who
have more shame around their body because of the porn that they're viewing porn is making you view
yourself and your partner in worse light there's no benefit from consuming it in terms of how you
see yourself or your partner so let's go to group number one if you're a person who's going out in
the world trying to find a partner now you think worse about yourself and all the real women i'm
going to stick to women but if you're attracted to other partners you can extend it to other partners
you go out in the world and you're looking for a new honey and now
all the women that you see are less attractive to you because of the people that you see in porn so
you know what might have been a 9 out of 10 if you didn't consume porn now is the 3 out of 10.
so that is damaging porn use is damaging your ability to perceive people in their true light
and it goes back to objectification you're just seeing people as objects for dopamine hits for
your pleasure it goes back to that women in the real world can't live up to the seeming ideals of
porn performers so it changes the way you see people and it's not going to help you attract
a healthy partner i just got done making a video on emotional intelligence on how on
ditching porn for the perfect partner that video is a little long but at the end of that
video i talk about emotional intelligence and how you can become more attractive
by becoming your true authentic self and when you do that and porn's not in the picture
you feel better about yourself because you're like i'm my best self and i'm rocking out my best life
now i'm gonna go into these social situations i'm gonna be able to vibe a person who's rocking
out their best life as a healthy version of themselves and you'll connect with that person
it will have dopamine it'll have serotonin it'll have oxytocin to connect you and that
won't happen for all the people in the room it'll happen for that person that you feel connected to
i have so many funny stories from when i was young and vibrant right and when i first started
actually i wasn't dating my husband i owned restaurants back in the day i don't know if
i've shared that but i owned restaurants so i was behind the bar at my restaurant and i was
talking to one of the distributors who i didn't know was crunching on me but ended up that he was
crunching on me and my husband said he would sit across the room he wasn't my husband at the time
i didn't know him he would come in a lot as you could imagine that's how he became my husband but
he would sit across the room and he'd watch me laugh with this distributor and he's like i would
just come for lunch to watch you laugh because that's when you'd have that distributor meeting
funny story is when my husband and i got together i had a party and i invited that distributor just
in a friendly way and he totally thought he was coming over to hook up with me or whatever
and uh shows up with like flowers and wine and it's a big party it's like a lot of people and
my husband then was my boyfriend which so the whole thing didn't turn out but okay i digress
moving on to you know that distributor probably was using lines and things like that to try to
be with me unhealthy version where my husband's just sitting over there watching me laugh because
the connection between us was building and you know there's lots of stories of
we had this connection before before we entered in to a sexual relationship not that
you want to know that but definitely even a relationship i kept telling him for
probably too long that we became friends and then he wanted to be with me and i'm
like you know what we can't my friend because if we become friends then we'll break up and i like
you too much that i don't want to not be able to be in your world so no i will not be dating you
and then he just showed up one day in my driveway and that was the beginning of the end but
that was a long time after i kept saying no way my friend uh but he was persistent and it's
gonna be our 20th anniversary so that's a cool thing um but you know that is a healthy way of
trying to connect with a person because we both were working on being our true authentic selves
and then you can show up and you're attracted to that person okay number two let's move on to if
you don't have a partner and you don't want a partner what i want to tell you about that is
a lot of people who say i'm fine with porn because it's so much easier than women they're just gonna
take your money uh women are a lot of work they'll end up not wanting to have sex with you that's all
you know hooey i just saw a movie where they use the word hui that's not my word that's not true
that's all rationalizing minimizing justifying none of that is true so if you're telling yourself
that dig deep and think you know am i just making up excuses to keep watching porn and not put the
effort into becoming a better version of myself and getting my booty out into the world to attract
a better partner because if you've fallen down into that that's very unhealthy to go i'm just
gonna watch people having sex on the screen and have sex by myself for the rest of my life
instead of taking this massive transformational journey opportunity which is what life's about
to become a better version and to create an amazing life in the real world that's just
an excuse i'm here to tell you so if you're about to write that in the comments it's just an excuse
you know it at some level people want connection i just read a comment from someone this morning that
said i didn't believe if i left porn behind that i would actually find a woman guess what i'm in
a relationship now with a woman i forgot how good it feels to be with a woman but not only for sex
i forgot how good it is just to laugh with a woman and spend time with a woman people want connection
so people want partners partnerships are they're tricky but they're amazing it's the spice of life
okay number three if you have a partner you might have forgotten that your partner is the spice of
life because partnerships are tricky so i know that's circular but if you have a partner and
you're consuming pornography it's making you think worse of your partner i'm here to tell
you that's proven by science so when you leave porn behind and when you get deliberate and you
get intentional on treating your partner better treating yourself better you'll find that the
dynamics in your relationship will change and i encourage you to watch the video on ditching
porn for a perfect partner because there's all the strategies and what you need to know about
the dynamics that get thrown off because of porn use we know that porn creates more anger
and irritability so you might not be showing up as the best version of yourself if you show up as the
dr jekyll and mr hyde because the hijacker's got your brain your partner's aware of that they don't
know what's going on but they know they don't like that one that shows up when you're being
you know less than desirable and that really throws dynamics off it might throw your partner
into her junk and so now you've got her you know doing her thing being mad or cold shouldering
or not having sex with you you know porn you shows up in the bedroom it shows up as your
desire to do the things that you see in the screen which isn't things that real women want to do so
women can perceive that they can perceive when you're with them and when you're not when you're
just using their bodies for your pleasure from something else that you have experienced it's
palpable to a woman in that in that situation and they usually don't want any part of it so if your
sex life is struggling if your relationship is struggling porn is at the root of it
and of course then there's dynamics that can improve and that's what the other video is about
so think about that because you might have an amazing partnership that just needs some work
and if you can and adios porn from your life your partnership will be better with intention
now we're moving into valentine's day i'm going to make a short video on this but
moving into valentine's day i encourage you to think about this and go out of your way to share
your feelings with your partner become vulnerable do something nice plan something for your partner
it will surprise her and it will be good for you okay let's move on to rejection rejection
here's what i'm here to tell you about rejection rejection in a possible relationship so let's say
you go out into the world and you're feeling all healthy and you're vibing someone and they reject
you that's a blessing in disguise you might not know it in the moment but if somebody rejects you
it's because it's not right if it was right that vibe that energy would keep going up and that
attractiveness between the two of you would be magnetic to a certain extent you know it's not
the movies but you would feel it where it would be right if it's not right it's not right and if
someone rejects you be glad that you are able to be in that experience now on day one instead of
two years from now when you have time and energy invested in a relationship that wasn't right for
you be glad at that rejection and know that as you continue on this journey you're going to become a
better version of yourself and the right person will come to you it doesn't have to be the right
person forever it can be the right person for now so just know that you know someone rejects
you you don't have to take that to heart you don't have to let that damage you let that be
you know a sign for you that that isn't right and it's time to get back on the horse again now
here's what i'm here to tell you about rejection too is that self-rejection is very damaging and
so if you're rejecting the true authentic version of yourself that's in there you won't be able to
handle other people's rejection because you will be searching for the validation from those other
people that you are not giving yourself that's why rejection from other people hurts so bad
and you know i've experienced this in my own life and generally speaking i have pretty high uh
emotional intelligence so if even now in friendships or in relationships that come
my way if i get rejected i i go you know what i'm okay without that person or even sometimes with
my husband when he will say things and i'll be like i'm okay with that you don't have to feel
that about me i bought a bathing suit and i tried it on and in my closet and i go i'm returning it
i don't like it and he's like put it on let me see how it looks uh i'll tell you if you should return
it no babe i don't even need you to tell me i already know i don't like the way that it feels on
me or looks on me what you have to say about that won't change that that's what happens when you can
validate yourself from within you can wear things that make you feel good you don't need other
people to tell you you look great because you feel great and you look great to yourself and that's
what matters the most and so when you have that on the inside when other people reject you it simply
doesn't hit the nervous system as it does when you reject yourself and you need others validation so
i encourage you to look within and start growing up that self-validation wear things that make you
feel good do things that make you feel strong and healthy from the inside so that you know if
somebody throws a stone at you you got it because you're strong and healthy from the inside okay i
hope that helps you out and if you're looking for help on your journey leaving porn behind
please reach out to me www.drtrishleigh.com and as always control your brain or it'll control you