Hi, my name is Anne Marie with Speak Confident English and this week we are
going to talk about those questions like: so why aren't you married yet? And why
don't you have any kids? What happened with your divorce? Or so why did you
leave your country? If you've ever had to deal with an uncomfortable awkward or
intrusive question, then in today's video we're going to talk about how to deal
with those questions politely in English.
One of the biggest difficulties when speaking another language is how to
answer or deal with uncomfortable questions. Now honestly when someone asks
you a question that really isn't polite or appropriate, they know it. They know
that it's nosy and that they shouldn't ask it. In fact, in English we often use
phrases like I know I shouldn't ask this but... I know I shouldn't ask this but why
don't you have kids? Or I hope you don't mind me asking... I hope you don't mind me
asking but what happened in your divorce? If you hear someone using those phrases
they know they're asking a question that isn't polite. The challenge is how do you
respond and this is why it's difficult. In your native language you totally know
what to say. You could make some kind of joke or say something like: hey that's
none of your business! Which we do say in English. But when you're doing it in a
second language you're not so comfortable about making the jokes and
you might feel really embarrassed in the situation, you're surprised by the
question and honestly you just don't know what to do. You want to change the
topic or answer the right away but it doesn't make you feel
comfortable. But in today's Confident English lesson you'll have several
strategies that you can use to politely and kindly deal with those questions in
a way where both of you can leave the conversation and feel happy or you can
continue the conversation on a totally different subject. But first there's one
thing you need to know and that is you don't have to answer an uncomfortable or
awkward question! If someone asks you something and you don't feel very good
about it, you don't have to answer it. So let's
talk about some ways that you can deal with that situation. Strategy number one
play at their own game. Now I only recommend this strategy if
you're talking to someone that you know well and you see them regularly and you
can control your intonation in English. Now if you need practice with intonation
I actually have a fantastic lesson on that and I'll be sure to include a link
at the bottom of this lesson below the video but when you play at their own
game you are repeating a really difficult or uncomfortable question back
to them and you might say something like well how much do you weigh or before I
answer that question you tell me why don't you have kids. But to do that
correctly, you need to make sure that your intonation doesn't sound angry or
upset. You want it to be a little bit playful and light. So again you need to
be in control of that intonation and I recommend that it's with someone that
you see regularly or you know well—maybe it's a neighbor or someone that you work
with. Now if you're not comfortable playing with the language and asking an
inappropriate or uncomfortable question back, then here are four other strategies
that are really simple and polite to use. First simply address it politely and you
can say something like: I'm sorry I really don't want to answer that.
You know I'd rather not talk about that or you know I'd
rather not talk about that here maybe we can go to lunch sometime and talk about
it. Sorry can we talk about something else:
And finally, I'm not really comfortable answering that. All of those examples are
perfectly polite and it's a great response to an uncomfortable question
and then you can immediately end the conversation if you want or ask a
different question and change the subject. Now number two: you could be much
more direct and this might be better if someone asks a particularly nosy or
intrusive question, something that really isn't appropriate. For example: That's
really personal I'm not going to answer that. Or that question makes me really
uncomfortable I'm not answering it. I'm gonna pretend you didn't just ask me
that. Where I come from I was taught not to ask those kinds of questions. As I
said, those are much more direct but it does let the person know that what they
asked wasn't okay and again you don't have to answer it if you don't want to.
Now let's imagine that someone continues to ask you this uncomfortable question
they won't let you say no, they won't let you push the question away, then it might
be appropriate to call them out. In other words you are directly letting them know
that what they are doing is not okay. For example: I can't believe you're asking me
that. It's really not appropriate. It's not okay to ask that kind of question.
That's a really rude question. Or finally, you could even just ask them why they
need to know—why do you need to know that? Why are you asking me? And the truth
is, there isn't a reason why. They don't need to know. The final strategy you can
use is to brush it off like a joke. You can laugh a little bit make a joke
out of it and then continue the conversation without answering the
question. This strategy again is all about your
intonation so if you remember that very first strategy where we talked about
asking an inappropriate question back, just like that we really need to control
your intonation. You want your voice to be light and friendly, polite as you make
a joke and then move on to a new topic. Some common phrases that we use to make
a joke out of inappropriate questions are things like: That's for me to know
and you to find out. Why don't I just give you my diary? My lips are sealed, my
lips are sealed. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to leave you
in suspense on that one forever. Now in today's video I've given you those five
strategies of how to deal with uncomfortable questions and I shared
with you some of the common expressions and phrases that native speakers say,
things that I say when someone asks me a question I don't want to answer but the
truth is there are so many options and in the online lesson today I've included
many more examples, so I recommend that you go to the online lesson and review
those other examples. The best way to really get comfortable and be prepared
for how to deal with an uncomfortable question is to review the online lesson
and find one or two phrases that are easy for you to remember and that you're
comfortable saying. Practice saying them out loud so that when that happens in
your real life—hopefully it never does but if it does, if you have a nosy
neighbor or a colleague at work that gets a little too personal—you know
exactly how to deal with it in a polite and kind way so you both end the
conversation happily. Now as always I do have a couple of challenge questions
for you and I would love to hear from you on these topics: number one have you
ever had a situation in English where someone asked you an inappropriate
question? If so what did you do about it did you use a strategy like what we
talked about today or maybe you had another strategy that
you've used. I would love to hear about it and you might have an experience that
can help someone else. The best way to share with me and with the Confident English Community is in
the comment section of the online lesson. The second question I have for you is
what is one expression or phrase that was new for you today in this lesson? Now
if you enjoyed today's lesson, don't forget to give it a thumbs up on YouTube
and share it with friends or colleagues on Facebook. Thank you so much for
joining me and I look forward to seeing you next time for your Confident English
lesson.