♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-[As Donald Trump] Thank me. Thank me.
Welcome back to "Impeachment After Dark Live,"
the only TV show that's being sued
by six federal judges and all 12 Vanderpumps.
[ Laughter ]
it's fantastic, folks.
Now, I cancelled my press conference today
so I could be here to recap the deranged details
of the latest Democrat hoax.
But, first, I'm very excited about this, folks.
Very excited. [ Laughter ]
With the impeachment hearings heating up, I had to flee --
sorry -- fly to England. [ Laughter ]
Which means we're coming to you live from the "Uk."
[ Laughter ]
Now, it turns out, I love it in the Uk, folks.
[ Laughter ]
Everything here is opposite, which means there is --
This is a football. [ Light laughter ]
These are chips.
And this is Rudy Giuliani. Just kidding.
[ Laughter ] Just kidding.
I know that's the Pope. [ Laughter ]
But, wait, just when you thought it couldn't get any better,
I have a very special guest bartender tonight.
He's my brother from another mother,
my blond from across the Pond.
Give it up for Prime Minister Boris Johnson, everybody.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-[As Boris Johnson] It's a pleasure to be here, Donald.
I mean, look at us.
We're like a before and after photo,
but we're both the before.
[ Laughter ]
-But, alright, let's get it to it, folks.
It's time for the boring yawnfest
of the impeachment hearings, led by a man who is 90% pants --
Jerry Nadler. [ Laughter ]
And talk about all the snooze, all the committee did today was
throw around big words
without telling you what they mean.
Or at least, what I want them to mean.
Take a look. -He defines "bribery"
as the crime of giving or taking rewards for bad practices.
-It might not fit today's definition of bribery,
but it would fit the definition back in the 18th century.
[ Laughter ]
-Very confusing. Very, very confusing.
Almost nasty. [ Laughter ]
Very confusing, almost nasty.
Let me just explain to you
the most important word in the hearings,
and my least favorite Harry Potter spell --
"quid pro quo."
[ Laughter ]
Let's break it down.
"Quid" as in, "Quid asking about it."
[ Laughter ]
"Pro" as in, "It's pro-ably nothing."
[ Laughter ]
And "quo" as in, "Don't quote me on this,
but if you give us dirt on Biden,
we will give you $400 million."
There -- "Quid pro quo."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Now, unfortunately, not everyone agrees with my definition.
And things got a little dicey for the Donald
when this one law professor testified.
Check this out.
-Did President Trump commit
the impeachable high crime and misdemeanor of abuse of power?
-The president did commit an impeachable abuse of office.
-Ooh, I'm gonna cyberbully that nerd so hard.
[ Laughter ]
Watch out, Professor Plum,
'cause it's gonna be Donald trump in the bathroom
with the Twitter.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, that's all the time we have.
Boris, any last thoughts?
-None at all, Donald.
I suppose what happens next is a mystery,
sort of like how I was raised by just my mother,
who gave me this gold locket.
-Oh, my gosh.
You're not gonna believe this,
but I was raised by just my nanny
and she gave me this gold locket.
[ Laughter ]
-We've been parent-tapped. [ Laughter ]
-This is huge, folks. We've got to look into this.
But, first, [Normal voice] "The Tonight Show"
starts right now. Let's do this!
Let's start the show. Come on! [ Cheers and applause ]
-From 30 Rockefeller Plaza, here in New York City,
it's "The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon"!
And now, here's your host, Jimmy Fallon!
-♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
-♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey-ey-ey ♪
♪♪