(energetic guitar music)
- Welcome to Set List: Stand-Up Without a Net Live,
at Nerdmelt!
(audience cheers)
- If you know the punchlines, you just,
feel free to shout 'em out.
(audience laughs)
- This is like a snooze button, beep.
Beep, beep. Beep.
Beep, beep, beep, beep.
- Will you welcome the never before seen Set List
of Mr. Hal Sparks!
(audience claps)
- Hi!
Finally I get to relax,
instead of twitching in the back
like the rest of us fuckers.
Now that I've got that off my chest
so I can, kind of relax...
(audience laughs)
Here's the thing, connection.
Isn't that what relationships are all about?
If you're not relating to someone,
if you're not in the act of, there's no relationship!
Nothin, no relationship happened!
Diddn't happen!
We didn't relate, because there was a wall between us.
How can I cheat if she's in the next room?
And at what point, philosophically speaking,
how thin does that wall become?
(audience laughs)
The where, it's still not cheating, still not cheating,
still not, lambskin.
See what I mean?
At a certain point, I never touched her.
(audience laughs)
Because, not only because I was wearing a condom,
because that's how I have sex.
Just the penis, everything back.
This kinda business.
I don't trust anybody.
I've lived in LA since '87, so...
(audience laughs)
Um, I hate musicals, mainly because,
it seems like every aspect of life suddenly deserves a song.
The who, the what, the where, the why.
♪ I'm here, I'm there ♪
♪ She's there, I'm here ♪
♪ You are who I am ♪
It doesn't matter, they just fucking...
Stop singing!
I'm gonna make a ton of money just making
the Who, What, Where, Why musical.
Is that what it's called? Yeah.
Now, that was my big closer.
(audience laughs)
And normally, it is my big closer, because,
I, uh, finish.
(audience laughs)
♪ With a song ♪
♪ About my set ♪
♪ It all began ♪
♪ We were together ♪
♪ In a poorly constructed room ♪
♪ What the fuck is with the feng shui of this place ♪
♪ Did no one tell ♪
♪ These assholes then ♪
♪ This is an earthquake zone ♪
♪ Put some rebar in the walls ♪
♪ And if it weren't for that tall plastic Galactus statue ♪
♪ Holding halfway up and bridging the roof ♪
♪ When it fell upon my head ♪
♪ And I lay there waiting for three days ♪
♪ Drinking my own urine ♪
♪ Waiting for the day ♪
♪ When a man would lift this crap off of me ♪
♪ And I lived, finally, to come once again ♪
♪ To this place ♪
(audience laughs)
Thank you, good night!
Now just go!
(audience cheering)
- Hal Sparks!
(energetic electronic music)