-For two days, the nation was paralyzed
by an existential crisis,
the likes of which this country has never seen,
a crisis so dire, it threatened our institutions,
our political system, our very way of life.
A waking nightmare that has left us frightened and confused.
A watershed moment that has changed America forever.
There was a balloon.
[ Laughter ]
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
♪♪ [ Cheering and applause ]
By now, no doubt, you've heard about the Chinese spy balloon.
It flew across the continental U.S.
and monopolized the media's attention for days
and it made an electrifying appearance
at last night's Grammys.
[ Laughter ]
Well, it electrified everyone but Ben Affleck.
[ Laughter ] How can you drink that much Dunkin' coffee
and still look like someone stole his bike?
[ Laughter ] Anyway,
the balloon was all anybody could talk about
after it was spotted in the sky on Thursday
and made quite a trip across U.S. airspace.
-The balloon has traveled for days
from Western Alaska to the Midwest.
-It traveled thousands of miles across the United States.
-It started in Alaska, Aleutian Islands, Alaska,
and then came down through Canada
and it just crossed into the United States in Montana.
-It was spotted here in Billings Wednesday
and is still on the move this morning,
hovering over the Northern U.S.
-The balloon is likely somewhere over Kansas
after sightings over Montana yesterday.
-It drifted across Nebraska and then into the Midwest today,
spotted as it made its way across Missouri.
-From Idaho to Montana,
all the way down to the Carolinas.
-It was about six nautical miles off the coast
near Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.
-First of all, we should stop calling it a Chinese spy balloon
when a far more accurate name is
[bleep] Chinese spy balloon.
[ Laughter ]
The only way this balloon could've had a higher profile is
if it had its own Instagram account.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ] This balloon did more traveling than a high school senior
taking a gap year before college.
[ Laughter ] True story -- it already has
Diamond Medallion status on Delta.
[ Laughter ]
Next time it's spotted in American airspace,
it's going to be in first class.
[ Laughter ]
[ Fresh laughter ]
Writers all day were like, "A balloon in a first-class seat
with a glass of champagne,"
and our graphics department was like,
"Alright, [bleep] it, I don't know
[ Laughter ] what that looks like.
I feel like your job is way easier than my job."
[ Laughter ]
There's something about it being a balloon
that just makes it very hard to take seriously.
Like it would be one thing to send a fleet of fighter jets
or a giant naval vessel.
That would be scary. But a balloon?
Are they trying to scare us or cheer us up at the hospital?
[ Laughter ] We should respond with something even dumber to flummox them.
Like we should send one of those air dancers they have
outside car dealerships... [ Laughter ]
...you know, but undercover, with a wig and a mustache.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I do like to imagine him as a British spy working for MI6
in a joint operation with the CIA.
[ English accent ] Your mission is to infiltrate the Chinese Army
and gather intelligence on their most closely guarded secret.
You think you can handle that, old chap?
"You've got it!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
So, the balloon thing was all
anyone could talk about for days.
But it was an especially big hit on Fox News,
whose human news balloons
could not stop obsessing over it. [ Laughter ]
-There is a Chinese spy balloon
floating over America right now.
-A high-altitude Chinese spy balloon.
-There is, by the way, a Chinese spy balloon.
-A Chinese by balloon.
-A Chinese spy balloon.
-A Chinese spy balloon. -Chinese spy balloon.
-Chinese spy balloon. -Chinese spy balloon.
-Balloon. -Balloon. -Balloon.
-Balloon. -Balloon.
[ Laughter ] -An entire network
became obsessed with the balloon,
like a five-year-old at a birthday party.
[ Laughter ]
Just to screw with Fox News,
Biden should've announced that he was inviting the balloon
to appear in this year's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
[ Laughter ]
The speculation on the right got so fevered and out of control
that Republicans and Fox personalities
started taking wild guesses
about what might be inside the balloon.
-My concern is that the federal government,
obviously, doesn't know what's in that balloon.
Is that bioweapons in that balloon?
Is it? Did that balloon take off from Wuhan?
[ Laughter ] -The next balloon might be filled with another virus.
Pop! Droplets all over.
We're all on ventilators again.
[ Laughter ] -There's a lot of devastating weapons
that could be delivered this way,
to include electromagnetic pulse, EMP.
-Did it drop and disperse surveillance products
powered by solar energy to allow unlimited surveillance?
[ Laughter ] -I don't know.
Probably not?
[ Laughter and applause ]
These people were so scared of a balloon,
you would think it was floating out of a sewer grate.
[ Laughter ]
[ As Bartiromo ] Was it filled with a virus, a bioweapon,
an electromagnetic pulse?
Did it drop solar-powered surveillance products
in everyone's house, so they can spy on you
while you drink box wine and watch "Real Housewives"?
[ Laughter ] Or maybe it's filled with delicious candy,
piñata-style, and, if that's the case,
[ Laughter ] why isn't Biden shooting it down?
Is he waiting for it to drift over Delaware,
so he can keep all the candy for himself?
[ Laughter ] We deserve answers
and we deserve delicious candy!
[ Laughter ] And yet, the dumbest speculation was
the incessant questioning, over and over,
of why Biden wouldn't just shoot down the balloon
while it drifted over the continental U.S.
-Why haven't we shot this balloon out of the sky?
Oh, Joe Biden is the president.
-I can nearly guarantee you that that balloon
would still not be flying, if we were still there.
-Why did it take U.S. officials
so long to shoot it down?
-You have to wonder why isn't our military
doing anything about it?
And it elicits so many questions.
I think about Joe Biden.
Is Joe Biden compromised?
Is that why he won't allow the military to do it?
There's a lot in that laptop that might have something to do
[ Laughter ] with this response as well.
-That's right, they think Biden waited
to shoot down the balloon,
not because the debris might crash on land
and potentially cause harm or distraction to Americans,
but because of Hunter Biden's laptop.
As far as I'm aware, the only balloon associated
with Hunter's laptop is the balloon who found it.
[ Laughter and applause ]
In their minds, what do they think was going on here?
Biden's son Hunter was, somehow, compromised by China,
so, in return, Joe Biden made a secret deal
with the Chinese government to allow them to fly a giant,
super visible, balloon over the country for a few days
before shooting it down. If that's the case,
I think it's actually a terrible story for China
because that is a very bad deal.
"We've informed President Biden of the dirt we have on his son.
He was willing to make a trade."
Excellent news. What did we get?
Copies of top secret documents, access to their nuclear secrets?
"No. Something even better.
We got balloon access!
[ Laughter ]
Three days' worth!"
Alright, I think we need a new negotiator.
[ Laughter ] Also, you guys think Biden's the one who's compromised by China?
Trump and his daughter Ivanka had Chinese trademarks approved
while they were working in the White House.
Trump had a business pursuit
and a secret bank account in China.
In fact, Trump paid nearly $200,000 in taxes to China
over several years, while, in 2020,
he paid no income taxes in the U.S.
And I know the right is upset about the idea
that we would hire more IRS agents,
but it does seem to say a lot about our tax system
that Donald Trump could easily evade taxes here,
but still had to pay them in China.
[ Laughter ] "Sir, we have to file our taxes with the U.S."
[ As Trump ] Tell them I owe them zilch.
They won't do [bleep].
It's just one guy and he's so tired.
[ Laughter ]
"And what about China?"
[ As Trump ] Oh, send them every penny.
[ Laughter ]
I would hate to lose access to my TikTok account.
[ Laughter ]
I finally learned all the dances!
[ Laughter ]
In fact, just to give you an idea of how stupid
the right-wing discourse about this balloon has been,
multiple GOP politicians,
from former Secretary of State Mike Pompeo
to Congressman Paul Gosar,
to failed Arizona gubernatorial candidate Kari Lake,
to Ohio Senator J.D. Vance posted photos of themselves
pointing guns in the sky,
[ Laughter ] implying that they
could shoot down the balloon themselves.
My favorite one of these is Yale-educated,
Silicon Valley venture capitalist J.D. Vance cosplaying
as one of the dudes from "Duck Dynasty."
[ Laughter ] No one's buying your shtick, dude.
Look at the freshly purchased Bengals hoodie.
You just know the tag is still on that.
[ Laughter ] You look like a Hollywood wannabe auditioning
for a remake of "Deliverance."
[ Laughter ]
And then, of course, there are a bunch of Republicans
who claim the dumb balloon saga
would never have happened under Donald Trump,
with some even going so far as to claim that,
if it did happen, Trump would've shot down the balloon immediately.
Lauren Boebert tweeted...
And Marjorie Taylor Greene tweeted...
Based on the kind words Trump always had to say
about foreign adversaries, I think,
if a Chinese spy balloon had flown
over U.S. soil during his presidency,
Trump would've tried to befriend it.
He'd be telling stories about it at his rallies to this day.
[ Laughter ] [ As Trump ] When I was president,
I got along great with all the floating vessels --
Zeppelins, airships, dirigibles.
[ Laughter ] I love the dirigibles.
The dirigibles love Trump and, of course --
[ Laughter ]
and of course, the balloon.
We love the balloon, don't we, folks?
[ Laughter ] I remember I was in the Oval Office one day
when a Chinese spy balloon, it floated down,
floated through the window.
Big balloon, strong balloon.
[ Laughter ]
Tears pouring down its latex face
[ Laughter ] and it said to me, it said --
[ Squeaking ]
[ Balloon farting ]
[ Laughter ]
And I said, "It's so true. It's so true."
[ Laughter ]
But you know what? They're right.
This would've never, ever, ever,
ever happened under Donald Trump.
-U.S. officials tell Fox it's not the first time
Chinese spy balloons have flown over the United States.
About four months ago,
a Chinese spy balloon crashed in the Pacific near Hawaii.
Others were spotted over Texas and Florida,
dating back to the Trump administration,
but never previously acknowledged publicly.
-That's right, they flew balloons under Trump.
Even worse, they flew them at Mar-a-Lago.
[ Laughter ]
The incredibly dumb balloon melodramas exposed
just how vacuous and silly
so much of the right-wing media discourse is, these days.
They all lost their minds over a balloon,
demanding that it be shot down immediately
without any thought of the potential consequences
and implying there was some dark conspiracy at play.
And then, once Biden did have it shot down,
he contradicted their talking points and burst their...
-Balloon.
[ Laughter ]
-This has been "A Closer Look."
♪♪ [ Cheering and applause ]