♫ Zack Morris Is Trash ♫
- Screech says he has his eyes on a young lady.
Zack laughs out loud.
Screech makes a move,
but when her menacing boyfriend arrives, he hides.
Zack wants Screech to tell him all about
that humiliating thing he just saw happen,
then slams a door in his face.
Belding has great news.
- Madonna's the new school nurse?
- Spoken like a virgin.
Bayside is hosting the California Cadet Corps.
Lieutenant Adams says it requires discipline and hard work.
Zack says, "Hard pass."
Belding wants to know who's in, and Slater says,
"Sign me up."
Zack needlessly announces he's out,
then laughs at his own dumb ass
for the second time in two minutes.
Belding is done with Zack's assholery,
and says he's earned 30 Saturdays of detention.
Zack whines like a child about his long overdue punishment.
Belding says he'll let Zack off the hook to stop the whining
if he joins the Corps.
But because they need a full class,
Zack has to recruit peers.
Zack's delighted to dupe rubes into joining the army
to avoid the consequences of his behavior.
Zack tells two nerds the army serves cake at every meal,
Then Zack tells the guy whose been threatening his friend
"Hey if you join the Corp, you can beat up anybody you want"
"and not get in trouble."
then provokes Jessie by saying
women don't belong in the army.
Then reminds Kelly that her family has seven kids
and is poor and an army scholarship
could be her one chance at college.
Then exploits Lisa's sexual attraction to the Lieutenant.
But he needs one more sucker.
Bingo.
Screech strikes out again,
and Zack says the only way he can get a girl
is by being a real man in the army.
Zack paints Screech a fantasy
where he becomes a decorated officer
who can throw dudes into outer space and gets babe smooches.
The gang is nervous, but Zack tells them to relax
because it's just the army.
Lieutenant Adams is doing his army thing, yelling and such.
Zack tells him to chill.
The Lieutenant tells Zack to drop and give him 20.
Zack cracks a dumb joke.
Lieutenant says, "Make it 50."
Zack continues to goof,
thinking that will decrease his number of pushups.
The Lieutenant says, "Make it 100."
Zack considers ways he can maybe bribe this guy.
Zack shows up the next day,
in his quitting uniform,
but Lieutenant Adams says he wants to make a deal.
There's an athletic competition
and if Zack's team wins he can quit with no detention.
He'll even let Zack pick the teams.
Zack senses nothing suspicious
about this man suddenly being nice and agrees to his trap.
Zack puts all the nerds and weaklings together
on Slater's red team,
then picks all the jocks and able-bodied babes
for his blue team.
Slater says that's unfair,
but Zack promises the teams are balanced.
The Lieutenant says Zack is now on the red team
and Slater is on the blue team.
And it shouldn't matter because the teams are balanced.
And this was obviously a trap,
you dingus.
Slater's team is killing it.
Thriving with a real leader.
Zack's shit is a disaster.
The team he built to fail is doing just that.
And he's yelling at cadets who are only there
because of his lies.
Zack's team struggles with the first obstacle of the day,
which is all it takes for him
to loudly call them losers and storm off like a pouty bitch.
Screech pleads with Zack to come back
but Zack says he doesn't want to waste
any of his precious beanbag chair magazine time.
Screech reminds Zack he's the only reason
any of them enlisted.
Zack says he lied, so what?
And scolds his friend for trusting him.
Screech says he used to look up to Zack, but not anymore.
Hitting Zack the only place he feels it,
his fragile blonde ego.
Zack returns, not dressed to compete,
and says he's ready to compete.
He begs to reenlist,
because he can't stand being made to feel
like less than Screech.
Lieutenant Adams says it's up to his teammates.
Zack says he's sorry for calling them losers
and he wants back in.
They say yes, because the team he designed to lose
needs him to win.
And they have a deep insecurity about losing
since he yelled they were losers just one day ago.
The games are going great.
Who cares.
Zack's only win is during American Gladiator combat
when he distracts his opponent to sucker punch him.
It's all tied up!
Each team has to pick one member
to run the final obstacle course.
But instead of taking that responsibility,
to make up for the many events he skipped,
Zack puts the burden on Screech's shoulders.
And Screech wins, and gets the girl, no thanks to Zack.
Lieutenant Adams says he guesses this is goodbye.
Zack says it isn't because he's not a quitter.
Except he certainly is.
Because we never see Zack in Cadet Corps ever again.
And who knows what happened to Lieutenant Adams,
he probably fucking killed himself.
Let's review.
Zack Morris disrespected a soldier visiting his school,
and instead of accepting his punishment,
took a deal where he had to convince students
to join the army,
which he only accomplished through lies and manipulation.
And quit after day one, when he had to do pushups
for his insubordination.
Then was given a second chance,
that he used to cheat his way onto a winning team.
And when the team he built to lose started losing,
abandoned everyone.
Then only returned to repair his damaged ego,
and only won a single event because of a sucker punch,
and when the pressure was on to win it all,
he stepped away like a coward,
and didn't learn anything from any of it
because he quit one last time,
right after saying he's not a quitter.
Zack Morris is trash.
♫ Zack Morris Is Trash ♫