-Beautiful day in New York City. Temperatures are climbing.
People are starting to make summer plans,
and it's easy to get distracted from the job at hand.
And for my writers, that job is writing monologue jokes.
You may not know this, but my writers write hundreds of jokes
every day just to get the 10 or 12 we end up using
in the monologue.
And sometimes, to be honest, I think they just throw in
a few stinkers to fill the page
and meet their daily assignment.
But just because the warblers are back in Central Park
doesn't mean we can tolerate laziness,
which means it's time for another "Surprise Inspection."
[ Fanfare ]
So, here is how "Surprise Inspection" works.
I'm going to read some real jokes that were really submitted
by my writers that are
absolutely unusable for this show.
Some are dumb, some are offensive,
some are confusing.
Most importantly, the writers don't know we're doing this.
And because a lot of them don't watch the show,
they'll never know.
So, let's get started.
Authorities in Philadelphia recently picked up
two goats that were spotted walking through a neighborhood.
I'd tell you what the goats said when they were arrested,
but we'd have to bleat it out.
A young man named Ian wrote that joke.
He looks like this.
"Did you -- Did you get it?"
President Biden is set to meet tomorrow
with the Italian prime minister, where they will discuss
the concerning rise of anti-pa.
So, that joke is about antifa and antipasto.
I forget -- who wrote it? Can we take a look?
We're off and running.
Researchers at MIT published a study this week
that details the best way to split an Oreo.
And this is pretty surprising.
It's with your butt cheeks.
Like, so, we -- Somebody we pay money to
says, "I got a computer."
And they're like, "Okay. I'll show this to my boss."
Let's take a look at Matt. Matt wrote that. There you go.
Ooh.
Today was Manatee Appreciation Day,
so give 'em some props.
[ Audience groans ]
Kind of miss the butt cheeks a little bit?
Kind of remembering the good old days of the butt-cheek Oreos?
Brian wrote that.
A couple in Massachusetts was recently awarded
nearly $5 million in a lawsuit against a local country club
after enduring years of golf balls crashing into their home.
This after the club only offered them "fore!"
[ Breathes deeply ]
So, that joke required you to remember
that they settled for $5 million
and then the whole joke, and then it got to "fore."
And that was -- Hey, you know what?
That was Brian.
Why don't we give him some props.
[ Applause ] Yeah.
Authorities in Florida recently arrested a man
who allegedly stole a crossbow from a store
by stuffing it down his pants.
That or his penis can shoot arrows.
Karen!
"That or his penis can shoot arrows."
I don't know if -- I don't think it makes any sense.
"You don't understand!"
The worst is, that guy, the poor man whose penis shoots arrows --
his wife's like, "We stopped by the sporting-goods store."
He's like, "You know, every time I go in there,
they think I'm stealing a crossbow."
According to a new study, having a long-term pet
may delay memory loss, though the brain-eating parasite
in your cat's poop may have other plans.
That was from Ali. There's Ali.
She seems very -- Now, if you've been watching our show
for any amount of time, first of all, ha!
Second of all, you know that the worst offender
on our writing staff when it comes to writing
terrible, unusable, monstrous jokes is our writer
Mike Scollins.
Let's take a look at Mike.
There he is. Nope, that's Ali.
And that's Mike right there.
He once wore a tank top to work.
So, the thing about Mike is, he writes really good jokes.
He's a very good joke writer. But he has no middle ground.
They are either monologue-worthy or absolute shocking garbage.
So let's just turn the spotlight on Mike for a few jokes here.
I'll get through them as fast as I can
so it won't hurt that much.
Russian forces have reportedly placed trained dolphins
at the entrance to a port on the Black Sea
to protect a naval base.
And they're still happier than the ones at SeaWorld.
A man from Illinois has gained attention online
after he claims to have found a 60-year-old McDonald's meal
behind his bathroom wall.
Also, Grimace.
Pretty good.
I mean, that's pretty good. We could've done that one.
You know what?
I will say, like, this is also --
Like, there's a poor graphics department that, like,
Mike writes these terrible things,
and then they got to go -- Like, that's their job today
is like, "Well, we got to put
the skeleton of Grimace in a wall."
Netflix announced yesterday it will develop five new shows
for preschoolers based on famous Dr. Seuss books.
But you're not going to like who's directing "Hop on Pop."
Guys... [ Audience groans ]
He's right -- they weren't going to like it.
The Tony Award nominees were announced yesterday,
and the musical "MJ" about the late singer Michael Jackson --
So, guys, let's just prepare ourselves.
Okay?
The Tony award nominees were announced yesterday,
and the musical "MJ" about the late singer Michael Jackson --
Because I think we should be able to jump ahead
and be like, "Which part of Michael Jackson?
What's the joke?"
The Tony Award nominees were announced yesterday,
and the musical "MJ" about the late singer Michael Jackson
received 10 nominations.
Well, it is supposed to be touching.
Mike Scollins, beat it.
This has been "Surprise Inspection."
[ Fanfare ]