[MUSIC - "JAMES BOND THEME"]
[VIDEO GAME BING]
[THEME MUSIC]
FELICIA DAY: All right.
Go.
RYON DAY: Hi.
Welcome to "Co-Optitude," the segment with the [BLEEP]
games.
FELICIA DAY: Show.
RYON DAY: Welcome to--
FELICIA DAY: The show.
RYON DAY: --the show where we play video games together, me
and my sister.
Hi.
Welcome to "Co-Optitude," the game where I, Ryon Day, play
video games, together with my--
Did I say segment again?
FELICIA DAY: You said game.
OK.
One more time.
RYON DAY: Here, you do it.
FELICIA DAY: We are going to do something very first time
for both of us.
RYON DAY: We're playing the game system that the cool kids
played, while we were being uncool.
FELICIA DAY: While we had an Amiga.
RYON DAY: Ugh.
The Nintendo 64.
FELICIA DAY: And we're going to play--
RYON DAY: We're going to play "Remington Steele, The Game."
FELICIA DAY: I wish it was "Remington Steele,
The Game." I wish.
That was one of my favorite shows.
RYON DAY: I bet they would have used that same picture
for "Remington Steele, The Game."
FELICIA DAY: Probably.
RYON DAY: Probably cancelled in early production, I bet.
FELICIA DAY: He was so hot.
RYON DAY: This game came out in '96.
FELICIA DAY: OK.
RYON DAY: And people were playing this game on their N64
while I was playing "Doom" on the PC.
FELICIA DAY: You were very good at "Doom."
RYON DAY: So we're actually--
I was.
I defeated John Romero in deathmatch once.
FELICIA DAY: You did?
RYON DAY: I did.
Yeah.
FELICIA DAY: I didn't know that.
RYON DAY: Little known fact.
FELICIA DAY: To me, I kind of thought Pierce Brosnan
was the best Bond.
RYON DAY: No.
Third worst.
FELICIA DAY: What are you talking about?
RYON DAY: The best was--
FELICIA DAY: Sean Connery--
RYON DAY: --of course--
FELICIA DAY: --his eyebrows--
RYON DAY: --Sean Connery.
FELICIA DAY: No.
His eyebrows were too thick.
Pierce Brosnan always had the eyes.
He's got the eyes of piercing blue that just was like--
RYON DAY: Third worst is Pierce Brosnan, followed by
Roger Moore.
FELICIA DAY: Roger Moore was not good.
RYON DAY: Followed by Timothy Dalton, who appeared in, I
think, one Bond film.
FELICIA DAY: I forgot Timothy Dalton.
RYON DAY: The worst.
FELICIA DAY: He does not look Bond-y.
RYON DAY: Like the least Bond-y Bond.
FELICIA DAY: No.
He's a knockoff.
OK.
He's got good eyes.
But, to me, Timothy Dalton, no.
We got this used from Game Dude, which is a place in LA
that's really cool.
Yeah, we just noticed this.
RYON DAY: Notice the careful, earnest Sharpie writing from a
very proud 12-year-old on top.
FELICIA DAY: I feel bad for Gerhart.
RYON DAY: I do.
It's so heartbreaking.
He probably went off to boarding school or the juvie
or something, and then his mom gave all of the games away.
FELICIA DAY: Yeah.
RYON DAY: Let's play this [BLEEP].
Typical Bond opening.
FELICIA DAY: Beautiful.
It's beautiful.
I hope they show Pierce Brosnan.
I just hope it.
RYON DAY: Oh, LEGO man.
FELICIA DAY: There he is.
There he is.
Look at who's hot.
RYON DAY: Boom.
He's so hot, all five pixels of his face.
That's because there's not enough resolution to show all
the wrinkles.
FELICIA DAY: Shut up.
Shut up.
He's really hot.
You're ridiculous.
Woah.
RYON DAY: Woah.
FELICIA DAY: Woah!
Look at those breasts!
Oh my god, it's so pointy.
You could open--
RYON DAY: You could put an eye out.
FELICIA DAY: --an envelope with them.
It looks like somebody inflated a condom--
RYON DAY: It definitely looks like balloons.
FELICIA DAY: --and drew a face on it.
Select mission.
Multiplayer, cheat option.
RYON DAY: Oh, wow.
It just gives it to you.
You want to cheat?
Here it is.
You want double throwing knives?
Here, have double throwing knives.
FELICIA DAY: Make your life choices now.
Let's just play it like it is, though.
RYON DAY: Wow.
Gerhart had everything unlocked.
FELICIA DAY: Wow.
Look at this.
RYON DAY: Kid was a pro.
Gerhart, where are you, bro?
Tell us how long this took you, dude.
FELICIA DAY: Whoo, bungee jumps from platform.
Let's go.
RYON DAY: All right.
FELICIA DAY: OK.
Start.
RYON DAY: That's a pretty good primary objective.
FELICIA DAY: Bungee cords.
RYON DAY: Then you're done.
Like YOLO, and that's the end of the level.
FELICIA DAY: Killed in action.
RYON DAY: We couldn't even manage to
bungee jump from a platform.
FELICIA DAY: So what does this do?
Oh, strafe.
Wait.
How am I supposed to have three hands here?
No, look.
Am I strafing--?
RYON DAY: Gerhart had three hands.
That's how he--
FELICIA DAY: Oh, [BLEEP].
Right button, OK.
OK.
Shoot is Z.
RYON DAY: Oh, did you hear that old Wild West sound when
the bullet ricocheted?
FELICIA DAY: [IMITATING NOISE]
RYON DAY: We need a Wilhelm scream here to really tie this
all together.
[WILHELM SCREAM]
FELICIA DAY: This is not easy, guys.
This middle gear shaft here--
RYON DAY: Don't do that.
FELICIA DAY: My hand, so I'm supposed to go like this?
RYON DAY: Oh, you mean you have to
use all of this [BLEEP]?
FELICIA DAY: That's what I'm saying, dude.
Wait.
RYON DAY: Kill him.
Woah.
FELICIA DAY: Woah.
Ahhh.
RYON DAY: He really wanted to get right to
the biz, didn't he?
FELICIA DAY: He got me right in the nutsack.
It looked like Andy Dick.
RYON DAY: Oh, buddy.
They're friendly--
FELICIA DAY: Andy Dick took me down.
RYON DAY: --in this part of the--
FELICIA DAY: Dude, this is really awkward because--
RYON DAY: You're drunk, Bond.
Go home.
FELICIA DAY: --I can't look up unless I go here.
This is awful.
And then--
RYON DAY: Wow.
FELICIA DAY: --how am I going to get the Z button here?
RYON DAY: Gerhart, give us some tips, buddy.
Did you have three arms?
What did you do?
How'd you do this?
FELICIA DAY: There's a guy up here.
RYON DAY: [GROANS]
FELICIA DAY: This is so awkward.
RYON DAY: [SLURRING]
Got to shoot them.
FELICIA DAY: I know people are screaming at me right now.
RYON DAY: Yeah.
FELICIA DAY: Just [BLEEP]
off.
RYON DAY: We started out with a mouse and keyboard.
FELICIA DAY: What is this?
RYON DAY: Time for my drink.
FELICIA DAY: I have a modem?
Why do I have a modem?
Why is there a modem here?
RYON DAY: In these day, he would be
looking at his iPhone.
FELICIA DAY: Yeah.
RYON DAY: And--
FELICIA DAY: How do I get out of here?
RYON DAY: --Siri, arm machine gun.
She wouldn't arm it.
She would be like--
FELICIA DAY: She wouldn't do it.
Ma-chin gun.
RYON DAY: Ma-chin gun?
FELICIA DAY: You try this.
It's not just me.
I'm really good at "Left 4 Dead."
RYON DAY: OK.
So how do you shoot?
FELICIA DAY: Dude, Z, the Z button on the back.
RYON DAY: "Ze" button?
That's right.
FELICIA DAY: OK.
Get that.
RYON DAY: Ah, nah.
I like sniper rifles.
FELICIA DAY: Somehow I changed--
I don't know.
RYON DAY: Now I'm going to shift my hand over
so I can look down.
The worst.
FELICIA DAY: See?
RYON DAY: How did you people survive?
FELICIA DAY: I don't understand it.
This is the worst way to hold the controller ever.
Look at this.
Look at it.
RYON DAY: Look at this [BLEEP].
Look.
No, watch this.
This is my movement--
I can't move.
Oh, there he goes.
FELICIA DAY: My hands are not big enough for this.
RYON DAY: You have to have the hands of a pianist.
Do you have an eight-octave span?
Then you can play [BLEEP]
"GoldenEye."
FELICIA DAY: All right.
RYON DAY: It's the paradox of "GoldenEye."
FELICIA DAY: Let's hurry and get to the [BLEEP].
RYON DAY: You tell this guy to hurry.
Oh, die, die, die, die.
FELICIA DAY: OK.
All right.
Calm down.
RYON DAY: Some bunker.
Some bunker.
[CHARACTER SCREAMS]
RYON DAY: Sorry, Andy Dick.
FELICIA DAY: OK.
There you go.
RYON DAY: OK.
So how do I use?
OK.
Not that.
FELICIA DAY: Maybe it'll open after you kill everything.
OK.
Something has to open that thing.
No.
RYON DAY: Because I know--
FELICIA DAY: Maybe aim.
RYON DAY: --whenever I want to open a door, I go
home and get my gun.
FELICIA DAY: Oh, maybe can you jump?
God, we're idiots.
I can't see anything.
It's like a black hole over here.
RYON DAY: Oh, wait, look.
You can also look up and down with these.
FELICIA DAY: Oh.
RYON DAY: That's how you play.
This is for left-hand people and right-hand people.
FELICIA DAY: God.
It's equal opportunity.
Thanks, Nintendo.
RYON DAY: Feels good.
FELICIA DAY: It's getting boring, because you have no
[BLEEP]
clue what to do--
RYON DAY: Would you like to try?
FELICIA DAY: --right now.
OK.
What am I supposed to do here?
RYON DAY: Oh, wait, look.
I think you're on to something there.
Oh, oh, hack it with the modem.
FELICIA DAY: Oh.
RYON DAY: Hack it with the [BLEEP]
modem.
Is it time for my Metamucil yet?
FELICIA DAY: Why?
He's not old.
OK.
RYON DAY: All right.
Modem.
FELICIA DAY: Here we go.
RYON DAY: Covert modem.
FELICIA DAY: I'm holding the modem.
RYON DAY: Where's the phone jack?
FELICIA DAY: OK.
RYON DAY: [IMITATING MODEM NOISES]
FELICIA DAY: Oh, [BLEEP].
I should not have done that.
That might have been the one--
RYON DAY: Did you waste your one--
Is that your one--
It's OK.
It's a USRobotics.
Those things are built like tanks.
FELICIA DAY: I just [BLEEP]ed up, I'd think.
RYON DAY: Maybe you have an infinite
supply of covert modems.
FELICIA DAY: Really?
You think so?
RYON DAY: Yeah, like a sack of them.
FELICIA DAY: Let's see.
RYON DAY: All right.
Covert modem.
FELICIA DAY: All right.
Get in there.
RYON DAY: There you go.
FELICIA DAY: Oh, OK.
RYON DAY: Infinite covert modems.
FELICIA DAY: Oh, thank god.
Because I need infinite covert modems.
OK.
RYON DAY: Infinite covert modems.
Bond is going to have a little porn break here.
FELICIA DAY: OK.
Here we go.
RYON DAY: All right.
Install your covert modem.
Go.
FELICIA DAY: OK.
Go.
Here we go.
RYON DAY: Covert modem installation.
And no.
FELICIA DAY: What am I doing wrong?
RYON DAY: Do you want a list?
FELICIA DAY: You--
I hate you.
RYON DAY: Where do you want me to start?
FELICIA DAY: No.
I'm serious.
How do I install the [BLEEP]
covert modem?
Now I'm angry.
Why are these controls--
Why is it [BLEEP]?
Oh, guess what?
There's zero covert modems.
Maybe we don't have any more because I used the one like an
idiot on the other side.
RYON DAY: Oh, that's a zero.
I thought it was telling you that it was a square, like the
covert modem was of a general square shape.
Maybe it's around here because you shot it off the wall.
Slowly--
FELICIA DAY: Right there.
See it?
RYON DAY: Oh, is that a covert modem?
Is that one?
Is a covert modem?
Is that a covert modem?
Oh, my aching back.
I was just slowly [INAUDIBLE], but--
Oh, god.
Where are my [INAUDIBLE]?
FELICIA DAY: OK.
Let's just do multiplayer.
[BLEEP]
this.
There's enough of a limit.
Restart the mission, honest to god.
RYON DAY: Oh.
Have more fun?
Can we?
FELICIA DAY: I want to see the modem actually work.
I want to see how modems really solve people's problems
back in the '90s.
Abort the mission.
FELICIA DAY: Yes.
RYON DAY: Yeah.
FELICIA DAY: Yep.
RYON DAY: Yeah.
No, we didn't get past it.
FELICIA DAY: OK.
Well, you got to restart.
RYON DAY: E?
FELICIA DAY: B?
RYON DAY: B.
FELICIA DAY: OK.
Go up there and do it.
Try that.
RYON DAY: Let's try the obvious solution here.
Give this a chance.
FELICIA DAY: Give this a chance.
RYON DAY: Oh.
How about that?
Wow.
Don't I feel like an [BLEEP]
now?
And now we lost our only [BLEEP]
covert modem.
FELICIA DAY: Forget the covert modem.
Just move on.
RYON DAY: Oh.
I got to stretch.
[GROANS]
Oh, stretch now.
FELICIA DAY: OK.
Give me this.
RYON DAY: Oh, I touched my toes.
FELICIA DAY: No.
Come on.
RYON DAY: Precision sniping.
FELICIA DAY: What are you doing?
RYON DAY: I'm trying to aim.
It won't even move over.
God, no!
FELICIA DAY: Unbelievable.
RYON DAY: Oh, where did--
FELICIA DAY: Oh, god!
RYON DAY: --you guys come from?
FELICIA DAY: Where'd they come from?
Bye bye, Andy Dick.
RYON DAY: [GROANS]
[BLEEP]
FELICIA DAY: Dude.
RYON DAY: I can't aim for [BLEEP].
FELICIA DAY: Oh my god, you're going to die.
Get one person.
Kill one.
RYON DAY: It doesn't have any finer granularity than like
five feet of movement.
Oh, in the nutsack.
FELICIA DAY: Dude, I don't know what
you're doing right now.
Please kill these men.
No, you've got to use the--
RYON DAY: You get an A for effort.
FELICIA DAY: You've got to use the buttons here.
RYON DAY: [SIGHS]
Roll ever so slowly.
It's like he's--
FELICIA DAY: All right.
Killed in action.
RYON DAY: We couldn't even manage to
bungee jump from a platform.
FELICIA DAY: All right, Pierce.
I'm in your brain.
Let's do this.
Oh [BLEEP], I'm on a roll.
RYON DAY: Get him.
FELICIA DAY: I got him.
I got him.
RYON DAY: Your gun was not pointed anywhere near him.
FELICIA DAY: OK, there.
I murdered him.
Let's get in here.
RYON DAY: Uh, what's up, guys?
FELICIA DAY: I'm going to come around the back.
[CHARACTER SCREAMS]
RYON DAY: Oh, right in the sack.
FELICIA DAY: All right.
Sacked it up.
RYON DAY: Dance, pilgrim.
Dance.
In the nuts.
Get him in the--
Woah.
FELICIA DAY: Woah.
RYON DAY: You folded him in half and stuffed him through
that little narrow slit.
All right.
Button time.
FELICIA DAY: Button time.
RYON DAY: All right.
You sure you don't need to use the modem?
FELICIA DAY: Pretty sure.
RYON DAY: OK.
FELICIA DAY: Andy Dick's--
RYON DAY: Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.
Sniping.
I'm close-range sniping.
FELICIA DAY: Woah.
RYON DAY: What are you doing?
FELICIA DAY: I don't care.
I killed him.
You do better.
Do it.
RYON DAY: Oh, in the nuts.
[CHARACTER SCREAMS]
RYON DAY: All right.
Now maybe we need to use the modem here.
FELICIA DAY: Just go up a little.
Look.
RYON DAY: Oh, other one.
Maybe if we shoot it.
FELICIA DAY: I don't know.
Deductive thinking.
RYON DAY: I'm going to shoot it.
FELICIA DAY: Oh, yeah.
That's a good idea.
Take 10 years.
RYON DAY: Oh, god.
And you're--
OK.
Nope.
Is there a switch somewhere?
FELICIA DAY: Well, there's got to be something.
Look upwards.
RYON DAY: This says--
FELICIA DAY: It says "danko."
RYON DAY: Is that a real Russian word?
FELICIA DAY: I don't know.
RYON DAY: Gerhart, did you translate that?
FELICIA DAY: [GERMAN ACCENT]
Gerhart, could you tell us?
[NORMAL VOICE]
Did you hear my German accent?
RYON DAY: [SNERKS]
FELICIA DAY: No.
RYON DAY: No.
FELICIA DAY: Shooting--
RYON DAY: That didn't do it.
FELICIA DAY: No.
RYON DAY: Look, you got to try it.
FELICIA DAY: James Bond is a clever man.
He wears a suit.
It's got to be with that button.
Just do something with the button.
Use the modem.
I can't.
I can't do this.
RYON DAY: Oh, it blew up.
Oh, we just had to shoot the [BLEEP]
out of the alarm.
FELICIA DAY: Ohhh.
You've left your mark.
RYON DAY: Oh, well, how about that?
FELICIA DAY: Wait.
What?
RYON DAY: It just--
You had to open it.
You just had to open it.
FELICIA DAY: Is it just a B?
RYON DAY: It's just that's all there is to it.
FELICIA DAY: Could you open that too?
Everything opens.
RYON DAY: Wow.
Everything just opens.
FELICIA DAY: OK.
RYON DAY: Nothing's locked.
FELICIA DAY: Nothing's locked.
RYON DAY: They don't lock anything in Russia.
FELICIA DAY: OK.
RYON DAY: [RUSSIAN ACCENT]
We trust comrade.
FELICIA DAY: Modem.
RYON DAY: [NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, but this looks like--
FELICIA DAY: A modem.
RYON DAY: --something that one would use a modem on.
FELICIA DAY: OK.
Use the modem.
RYON DAY: Covert modem.
FELICIA DAY: Put the covert modem in your hand.
RYON DAY: OK.
FELICIA DAY: Yay!
RYON DAY: Oh, yeah.
Porn time.
Oh, I bet we get to bungee jump soon.
FELICIA DAY: [BLEEP]
RYON DAY: Oh, wait.
FELICIA DAY: Shoot, shoot.
RYON DAY: Do I shoot something?
FELICIA DAY: Shoot the lock off.
Oh, please.
RYON DAY: What the [BLEEP]
are you doing?
FELICIA DAY: Equip the gun properly.
RYON DAY: Oh, goodness.
That's Bond's solution to everything, just shoot it.
FELICIA DAY: Well, you're actually competent now.
I'm actually enjoy watching you play.
RYON DAY: It's like when you--
BOTH: Ohhh.
RYON DAY: Magically the bullet--
Oh, Pierce Brosnan.
Oh, wait.
Has this got 10 different camera angles?
OK, fine.
I get the idea.
FELICIA DAY: You failed.
RYON DAY: Oh, god, Bond.
FELICIA DAY: It was challenging to learn, for
"GoldenEye" fans out there.
RYON DAY: It looked like LEGO men running around like--
FELICIA DAY: No, it looked like inflated condoms with
faces on it.
RYON DAY: I just want to say again, Gerhart had an
impressive--
FELICIA DAY: Can you please just go to
multiplayer, honest to god?
RYON DAY: Look at this.
Gerhart finished everything--
FELICIA DAY: Oh, god, you're killing me.
RYON DAY: --except he didn't even try
the very first mission--
FELICIA DAY: OK.
RYON DAY: --on 007.
FELICIA DAY: Please, please.
RYON DAY: All right.
FELICIA DAY: Just do multiplayer.
[SIGHS]
Multiplayer.
RYON DAY: Oh, OK.
Who do you want to be?
I'm going to be Bond, because I can't be Timothy Dalton.
FELICIA DAY: OK.
Please, change the weapons.
I don't want to use rockets.
RYON DAY: Lasers?
FELICIA DAY: Can we slap?
What is the slapping--
Golden gun.
RYON DAY: All right.
Fine.
FELICIA DAY: We can use the golden gun and
next time use slapping.
RYON DAY: All right.
Start.
FELICIA DAY: I don't have anything.
I have nothing in my hand.
What am I doing?
Get a [BLEEP]
weapon.
RYON DAY: [SINGING]
FELICIA DAY: I don't even have--
They resurrect me right next to you with a hand.
Is that a [BLEEP]ing hand?
RYON DAY: There's nothing wrong with that.
FELICIA DAY: Am I slapping you?
What's going on?
RYON DAY: There's nothing wrong with this.
FELICIA DAY: I have no weapon when I resurrect.
I feel like if I were--
RYON DAY: Oh, what up?
Look at this.
FELICIA DAY: What?
RYON DAY: All right.
I got to kill you with this thing.
FELICIA DAY: Why?
That looks like a squirt gun.
RYON DAY: Oh, I like it.
FELICIA DAY: What was that, a one shot?
RYON DAY: It was, with the squirt gun.
FELICIA DAY: OK.
RYON DAY: Well, that's a job well done.
Wow.
What happens if you turn on--
Wow.
FELICIA DAY: No, don't do that.
RYON DAY: That seems to conflict.
FELICIA DAY: No, don't do that.
Don't turn any of this on.
What are you doing?
OK.
So we're just going to slap each other.
I feel like I'm going to do better at this.
RYON DAY: Oh, look at this.
FELICIA DAY: Woah.
Woah.
Oh, my god.
OK.
Now this is fun.
Oh, [BLEEP].
This opens.
If you go B. Oh, why are you tiny?
Come here.
RYON DAY: Oh!
FELICIA DAY: Oh!
RYON DAY: What up?
Tap dancing on your body.
[SINGING]
FELICIA DAY: Wait.
Freeze on my big head.
RYON DAY: OK.
FELICIA DAY: Freeze on my big head.
RYON DAY: Oh, next time I kill you, I will.
When I was advertised as tiny Bond, I thought it
would be all tiny.
FELICIA DAY: Oh, [BLEEP]
you.
RYON DAY: Look at that gigantic [BLEEP]
dome.
Look at that.
FELICIA DAY: Oh, god.
It's so weird.
Tiny Bond is so weird.
It's like a Bratz doll.
It's awful.
RYON DAY: You look like an ape.
Look at your gigantic arms.
[HOOTING LIKE AN APE]
It's like this [BLEEP]-- where a tree?
FELICIA DAY: Orangutan Bond.
Orangu-Bond.
I can't even kill you.
Wait, why am I not killing you?
Watch this.
Oh, OK.
RYON DAY: Well, that experiment--
FELICIA DAY: Oh!
What are you doing?
Where'd you come from, you [BLEEP]?
Where did you come from?
RYON DAY: Well, I think you discovered a butt--
BOTH: Woah.
FELICIA DAY: Simultaneous death.
RYON DAY: I think that's the first--
FELICIA DAY: That's pretty good.
RYON DAY: Gerhart, did this ever happen to you,
simultaneous kill?
This was the first time that it's ever happened in the
history of "Goldeneye."
FELICIA DAY: Yeah, that's pretty good.
Oh, no.
We were really tangoing there.
All right.
So considering our incompetence at this game,
which I don't think is completely our fault--
RYON DAY: That's right.
FELICIA DAY: --if you have "GoldenEye" memories, leave
them in the comments.
RYON DAY: Gerhart, I'm really curious to hear your thoughts.
If you're out there somewhere, wherever you are, or if you're
Gerhart's next of kin--
Gerhart, if this is your game, leave a YouTube comment.
FELICIA DAY: And we will not give you your game back.
RYON DAY: No.
This is ours.
FELICIA DAY: We want to take you to breakfast.
RYON DAY: We definitely want--
FELICIA DAY: We're not paying your travel.
RYON DAY: We don't really mean that, actually.
FELICIA DAY: I'll buy you pancakes.
I will buy you pancakes.
No, I will not.
RYON DAY: YouTube user "I'm Gerhart" starts commenting.
FELICIA DAY: Subscribe-a-sike.
RYON DAY: Subscribe-a-like-a-ture.
FELICIA DAY: Like-a-scope.
BOTH: Like-a-scribe-share.
Like-scribe-share.
FELICIA DAY: Comment-a-share-like-a.
Pancakes.
OK.
We'll see you guys next week.
RYON DAY: Thanks.
FELICIA DAY: Thanks from "Co-Optitude." Bye.
RYON DAY: Bye.
[THEME MUSIC]