Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to my latest marriage-saving advice video.
I am Brad Browning, a breakup and marriage coach from Canada…
Preventing divorces and healing broken marriages is one of my passions, and it’s also what
I’ve been doing every day for 11 years or so.
In this video, which I’m going to keep as brief as possible, I’ll answer one of the
more interesting questions I’ve received from a client this week…
“can separating from your spouse actually help you save your marriage?”.
It’s a great question indeed, and a controversial one among marriage counselors and therapists.
Some experts and academics think separating can help a couple recognize what they’d
lose if they were to get divorced, others think it’s an unproductive and dangerous
waste of time.
First of all, I’d like to clarify one thing: it would, obviously, be ideal to avoid letting
your marriage slip to the point where you’re considering separation, or even already separated
and considering divorce, in the first place.
But you knew that already, didn’t you?
So, aside from getting into Marty McFly’s Delorean time machine, you can’t undo the
past.
You’re stuck with a marriage in crisis.
Your spouse suggests separation….
Or maybe you’re considering it….
Or you’re separated already even though you never wanted to be apart in the first
place.
What does this mean for your chances at re-building a happy, lasting marriage?
In my opinion, in many circumstances, a bit of time apart can be extremely helpful.
Now, don’t put me in the “separation is helpful” camp just yet, because I don’t
really feel that way in all situations….
But I do think that it can be a positive thing in some cases.
Why?
Well, for starters, a marriage that’s falling apart is usually stuck in a negative feedback
loop.
In layman’s terms, you and your spouse keep doing the same things -- things that are damaging
your marriage in one way or another, whether your realize it or not -- and until you break
the cycle and get out of that rut, nothing is going to change.
And an unhappy marriage needs to change, or it won’t survive.
So separation is obviously one way to break the cycle, at least temporarily.
Let’s say, for example, your jealousy was a major cause of your spouse’s unhappiness
in the marriage…
you often became jealous, lashed out, created a toxic environment of mistrust, and that
led to your spouse feeling chained down and frustrated.
Right, and taking a break from the negative cycle that you and your spouse have been trapped
in can help.
But it won’t help save your marriage in the long term if you pick right up where you
left off immediately upon moving back in together…
then you’ll soon find yourself in the same situation with all the same problems.
So separation can help in the short term, but you need to make changes to break the
cycle permanently if you want to solve things and remain happily married for years to come.
Another benefit to spending time apart?
You can put an end to bickering, fights, and petty disputes that sometimes come to dominate
day-to-day life.
It’s hard for your wife to get mad about you failing to wash the dishes after dinner
if there are no dirty dishes to wash….
And it’s hard to bicker over stupid little things, the way many couples do incessantly
after years together, if you’re not actually together.
That sort of thing may eventually make its way back into your marriage once you begin
living together again, but a break from the day to day drama and conflicts can be a huge
help that sometimes rejuvenates a relationship enough to get both spouses to put in more
effort and make the marriage work.
If you struggle from that kind of bickering, petty arguments, and general hostility towards
one another, I suggest you employ some of the simple techniques I describe in the full
video on my website, MarriageGuy.com… watch to the end to learn a few super simple ways
you can defuse or prevent those arguments, without needing to separate.
Again, my dispute defusing tips are at www.MarriageGuy.com, so watch that video after this one is over.
Lastly… and perhaps most importantly, separation can give you perspective and clearly demonstrate
how much worse life can be when your spouse is not around.
We tend to take our partners for granted after years together, and fall into a “grass is
greener” mindset -- you might think, or maybe your spouse does, that divorce will
lead to an overall happier life.
But are you sure about that?
How do you know?
Often a few weeks or months separated from your spouse can show you that the grass isn’t
always greener on the other side, and make you feel a sense of gratitude for the positive
things that your spouse or partner brings into your daily life.
So, that’s it, then?
Separation is a good way to save a marriage?
No.
If you don’t need to separate, don’t.
At the very least, look at separation as a last-ditch effort once you’ve tried everything
else… because it can just as often make matters worse.
If you’re separated for a few months, for instance, and your spouse finds that they’re
actually just as happy with life when you’re not around…?
In that kind of situation, where separating doesn’t lead to gratitude or a new perspective
on all the positive things your spouse brings to your life… then it’s usually just step
1 on the path to divorce.
In many places, separation is also a legal requirement for divorce.
Yes, I am ready to make a ruling on the case.
Here’s the bottom line: while separation can actually work out for the best, it’s
not a situation I would suggest you actively pursue… if your spouse is dead set on separating,
then you can accept that and hopefully use it to your advantage to right the ship and
save your marriage before it truly falls apart.
But otherwise, I don’t advocate separation as a way to fix your marital problems until
you’ve tried everything else.
My program, Mend the Marriage, is basically designed to be a one-stop guide to saving
any marriage…
even if your spouse is convinced that divorce is the only option.
If you haven’t yet tried all the simple techniques in my program or in the free video
on my website, then that’s your next step… often times, you’ll be able to turn things
around and re-build a loving marriage long before you need to resort to separation.
And yes, as you’ll see if you watch that video on my website, MarriageGuy.com, this
is all completely possible without your spouse’s help… you can save your marriage on your
own.
I see this happen on a daily basis with my coaching clients, so I know most of you watching
this video can do the same thing.
Hope all of you found this video helpful… if you want to ask questions about your situation,
or if you want to flatter me with compliments and praise, please use the comments section
below.
I read and reply to pretty much every comment if you keep it short, and I love hearing your
feedback on every one of my videos.
Thanks for watching, thanks for supporting my YouTube channel, and here’s to you re-building
a happy and lasting marriage!
See you next time.