(energetic music)
(audience clapping and cheering)
- [Keith] Yah!
- [Noah] Hello!
- How are you guys?
- Who's ready to learn?
- Yeah.
(laughing)
- Thank you so much for coming today.
- My name is Noah Grossman.
- And my name is Keith Leak.
- And thank you so much for attending.
- We're so excited to talk to you about
(anticipatory music)
Fitnussy.
(audience laughing)
- The future of workouts.
I see a couple of Fitnussies in the crowd right here.
- Mmm hmm.
- If you're a part of fitnussy,
Wave your hands
from side to side. - Come on
let me see it.
Let me see the hands.
- [Keith] Oh yeah.
We got two in the back - [Noah] Yes!
We got two in the back we got to convert.
- Woo
- [Keith] Why all of these workouts suck?
- [Noah] So if you are not familiar with the P90X
not many people know this, but the P stands for pneumonia.
(audience laughing)
It's actually a side effect
that you can get by using the P90X.
- I always get confused with the P in pneumonia.
I don't understand. - Mmm hmm.
- It doesn't fit to me.
- No, no it doesn't.
So Keith, explain to me how CrossFit is just inferior
to our future of workout.
The Fitnussy.
- [Keith] Well.
(audience giggling)
Hmm.
(audience laughing)
(mumbling)
- [Both] Good!
- [Noah] That's right. Nothing tastes like Fitnussy.
(loud laughing)
Let's go to the next item.
- [Keith] Oh my God.
What isn't Fitnussy?
It's not about weight.
You can be big. You can be small.
You can be tall. You can be short.
- Big, small.
(audience laughing)
Wider.
It's not about strength.
- [Keith] No.
- [Noah] Mmm mmm.Mmm mmm.
Look at us.
We might be strong people,
but Fitnussy is not about the strength of your physicality.
- Thank God. - Yes. Yes. Yes.
(laughing)
- Cause like you said, look at us.
- Right?
And finally
- It's not about fitness.
- Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm.
(laughing)
- Now you might think Fitnussy
is that a mixture of fitness and
- (muttering) Pussy.
- Pussycat
(laughing)
- Dolls.
- And that's exactly what it is.
The point of Fitnussy is to get you as fit
as the lead Pussycat Doll, Nicole Scherzinger.
- And we all want to look like her.
- [Both] We all wanna look like her.
- Everybody give it up for Nicole Scherzinger.
- Nicole!
(clapping and cheering)
- [Keith] Oh yeah.
- [Noah] Mmm hmm. Mmm hmm. Big fan.
- [Keith] She uses a - Big fan
- lot of our, you know, she's
- [Noah] Mmm hmm.
She's our first Fitnussy client, actually.
- Yes, she's incredible.
- Let's go to the next slide.
- [Both] What isn't Fitnussy part two.
- [Noah] Part two.
- We always get stumped there
because we couldn't tell. We got to keep reading.
- Yeah, it's difficult - Yeah.
- to get you to listen
to a list of six items
- It
- so we split it into two.
- It's not about (laughs)
It's also, it's not about health
- It's not.
- and I'm the perfect person
to say this because I have cancer.
- Cancer.
- And I'm doing real well with Fitnussy.
- Thanks to Fitnussy.
- I have cancer.
(audience laughing)
- So think about that.
- Give it up for my cancer.
- Come on. Right. That's perfect.
- So what is this about, people?
We'll say it at the same time.
- [Both] Fitnussy
is
the
best
way
to
get
Fitnussy.
(audience laughing)
- [Keith] Oh my God.
- Get it. Got it. Good.
- [Both] Good.
- Fitnessy
- [Keith] Boom. Just like that.
And that's on God.
- [Noah] On God.
(audience laughing)
Next slide.
- [Keith] Photo.
(audience laughing)
- [Noah] Not many people know this, but Fitnussy is also
a picture sharing social media platform.
(audience laughing)
That's right.
- Next slide, photo.
- [Noah] Here is the equipment you will get with Fitnussy.
- [Keith] Are you guys ready
(yelling)
Oh my God.
My black ass is not going to jail. Take these.
- [Noah] No problem at all.
See with Fitnussy.
- Oh!
- Thank you so much.
- This is a condom.
(audience laughing)
- This is a condom.
That's what this is.
- So you need an oversized condom.
You have to take the oversized condom and put it
over yourself like this.
And then you gyrate.
For ten seconds, everybody count me down
- [Audience] Ten, Nine, Eight.
- Now while you're counting - [Audience] Seven
- watch as - [Audience] Six
- this oversized - [Audience] Five
- condom collects - [Audience] Four
- [Audience] Three
- What Keith
- [Audience] Two,One
- is secreting. It will collect it.
(laughing)
What Keith is secreting.
How is that, Keith?
- (breathless) It's an outer body experience.
If I do say myself. - Mmm hmm.
And then quick as a surprise,
you handcuff yourself.
If you,
(audience laughing)
if you have a partner
you lock yourself to them to a sign of commitment
- Like thus.
- And now we will both look into each other's eyes
and run in place until one of us cannot no longer.
(audience laughing)
- [Keith] Let's go.
- [Noah] Now say the Fitnussy mantra.
- [Both] Fitnussy is the best.
Fitnussy of the world.
- Clap for us guys.
(applause)
This isn't easy.
Now we'll demonstrate some favorite Fitnussy
moves using the equipment.
- Mmm hmm. The hunky crawls.
Okay. Someone's gonna have to go low.
- Yep. And someone goes high.
- Okay. Like a couple of hunks.
You're gonna flex.
(grunting)
Now, we're gonna crawl.
(grunting)
- Now backwards.
(grunting)
- Just like that.
- That's one rep. You do 30.
- All right.
(laughing)
And then you do the stink boys.
Lift your arm. - Uh huh.
- Just like this.
Ooh, stinky boy.
- And then my turn.
Ooh, stinky boy.
- Just like that.
And then the Lil Uccy Vert
(laughing)
That's so dumb.
(laughing)
Noah described the Lil Uccy Vert.
- So it requires counting
all the money in your pocket. Your dead presidents.
- All right.
- Count your dead friends.
All of 'em are dead.
- [Keith] So everyone get out your wallet.
If you have some money,
pull it out now [Noah] Anyone money?
- We're gonna practice this together.
- You were supposed
to bring cash. - We can do this together
Okay. Yeah.
- That's perfect. - No money?
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- Thank you so much. Cool.
- I'll take that dollar right there.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
And Ooh, $25.
- [Keith] That's nice.
(laughing)
- [Noah] Thank you so much.
But don't forget the final step
which is putting it
- [Both] in your pocket.
(laughing)
- [Noah] That's it's, that's it.
- Give yourself around of applause.
- You did that.
- [Keith] Once again.
- [Noah] You did that.
- Next slide, please.
What to expect from your Fitnussy results.
- That is a cat in wires.
- That is a pussycat doll.
(laughing)
Next slide.
(laughing)
What to expect from your Fitnussy results?
Your body after 3000 years.
So Fitnussy gives you an eternal life,
(agreeing)
- Mmm hmm. Mmm hmm.
- but like this is what you'll look like.
- [Noah] Yeah. Yes
And this is
(laughing)
- It is what it is.
(laughing)
- An x-ray of my face.
(laughing)
- Next slide.
(laughing)
- [Both] Marty St Worm
- [Noah] From New Jersey, New Jersey.
- [Keith] Yes, indeed.
(laughing)
Marty St Worm said Fitnussy changed his life.
He doesn't remember life before
(laughing)
- Alicia "Pizza" Moskowitz from Portland, Oregon.
Thanks to Fitnussy,
Alicia finally decided to be themselves.
- Mmm hmm.
- Yeah.
That's it, it really helped them grow.
(laughing)
Look at that. Look at that.
And their mom's in the background. It's great.
- [Keith] Give it up for Alicia.
- Gosh, Alicia
- For she and herself.
- That's after only two weeks.
- (singing) Next slide.
(laughing)
Heidi Ha!
- Come on out, Heidi.
- Come here. Yeah.
Everybody give it up for Heidi Ha.
(clapping)
- [Keith] Yes.
- So in exchange for a free Fitnussy course
Heidi travels with us in order to show
off how close she is to now a full on Pussycat Doll.
(laughing)
Show us the hunk crawl real quick.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- We'll do it with you.
And then flex.
- Come on, flex it.
- And then one leg at a time,
one leg at a time.
One leg.
Now backwards.
Whoop, whoop.
- [Both] Whoop.
- Thank you so much, Heidi.
(clapping)
Thank you so much.
- You are looking more
like Nicole Scherzinger every day.
- Every day.
(laughing)
- All right. Next slide.
- [Noah] In summation.
With the power of Fitnussy
you can become
- In summation
(laughing)
- In summation with the power of Fitnussy
you'll be able to impress anybody.
Even this disappointed couple.
- Mmm hmm.
- [Noah] They are so upset.
- They're trying to hide it.
They are trying so hard to hide it,
but they hate it.
- Next slide.
- Oh, nice.
(laughing)
- [Keith] Addressing the lawsuits as like, okay.
Noah, you were gonna go to school for, you know
to be a lawyer - [Noah] As a lawyer.
- Yeah. So like please let them know
some of the lawsuits that we have.
- Okay, so addressing the lawsuits.
Technically nobody has survived the course.
(laughing)
Now I know this sounds daunting, but this is
(laughing)
do you guys?
Have you heard of NFTs?
(laughing)
We've got another course right after this one.
- Well, you guys look beautiful once again
and we love you. Thank you guys.
Peace out.
(inspirational music)
- Goodbye. Thank you so much.
Fitnussy for everyone.
- [Keith] Uh huh.
(beeping)
- [Keith] Our story.
So you have to die first.
You have to die.
- [Noah] That's actually how I first met Keith
and how we came up with this Fitnussy program.
- Yes.
- I was at his aunt's funeral.
And.
- Were you (beep) my aunt?
(laughing)
- That's when you found out?
- That's when I found out.
- That's when he found out.