We all know criticism when we see it or when we hear it. Let's define it and then
get into how to handle criticism.
So let's jump right in and start with a
definition of criticism. Here's what I found.. The expression of disapproval of
someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes. So once again a
little faster. The expression of disapproval of someone or something
based on perceived faults or mistakes. Now you've probably heard about
constructive criticism, right? I think that that's an oxymoron actually. It
violates its own definition because this is by definition and negative process.
Now when applied to literature or art, criticism takes in both strengths and
weaknesses but when it's applied to people, it is generally negative so as we
take on this topic of how to deal with or handle criticism,
first of all, let's find some other way to define it that makes it something
that we can actually deal with, okay. So I'm going to switch out the word
criticism a little bit in this video with the word feedback. Alright, now
what is feedback? Feedback is information and it's information that can be very
useful if we understand and properly interpret the feedback. I think it's
important to make that little switch because if we stick with the criticism,
it feels like an attack and what is our natural response to being attacked? It's
defensiveness, right? We want to put up our shield and shortly after we put up
our shield, we want to draw our sword and do a little bit of a counter-attack so
that's the problem with criticism because it triggers in us a response
that is typically not helpful in fact, check this out.
Defensiveness validates accusation. Defensiveness validates accusation. What
that means is if someone attacks you verbally for example and they're
accusing you of something or criticizing you, for you to become defensive and put
up your shield, it's like evidence to the person who's accusing you that what
they're accusing you of is actually true, that's what I mean
defensiveness validates accusation. So you don't want to go there. How can we
handle this feedback in a way that is constructive whether it's intended that
way or not? So let's go there. So thinking about the criticism now in light of
feedback. Feedback is simply information, it is simply information. Information
about what? Or more accurately information about whom? It's really about
the source of the feedback. Here's what I mean.. If someone comes up to me and tells
me that I'm an idiot, does that mean that I'm an idiot? Now whether I am or not is
not what we're discussing here today but does it mean that I'm an idiot if
somebody accuses me of being an idiot or criticizes me in that way? No. What does
it mean? It means that that person perceives or
experiences me as an idiot. Now there's an important distinction there. It
doesn't mean I am an idiot, it means they experience me as an idiot
and have chosen to communicate that to me. Do you see how that's all about them?
It's not about me. Now could it have something to do with me or my behavior?
Well sure because that brings up the next question. The next question is
interesting, that person experiences me as an idiot. I wonder if there's
something about me or behavior that has that person
experiencing me as an idiot? Now normally we don't go through this
whole thought process, do we? No, we just react and our gut reaction is
defensiveness and defensiveness validates accusation. I once heard that
it's better to keep your mouth closed and be thought an idiot then to open it
and remove all doubt. Sometimes our defensiveness removes all
doubt about whatever it is they're accusing us of. Okay, so instead, we take
it as feedback. Interesting. That person is experiencing me as an idiot.
What is it about me or my behavior that might have that person experiencing me
that way? Now that could be really useful, couldn't it? It might be something that
you're just doing habitually or even subconsciously that you didn't even tune
into. Might be your your body language, it might be your expression on your face.
Have you ever had somebody come up to you and say "Are you okay?" Well, why did
they do that? You might be fine but your face is saying, you know, you've got
some expression going on that has them experiencing you that way. Does that makes
sense to you? I carry around kind of a natural smile. You already know I'm
pathologically positive, right? So I normally have in my resting face, I
have this smile, I raise my eyebrows a little bit, I've got a little bit of a
smile on my face, that makes people nervous,
they think I'm up to something or they think I'm trying to get their attention.
I can't tell you how many times they go to the store and people are like you
know, they're responding to me as if I already know them or or that I'm trying
to get their attention and it's just because I carry my face that way and
it's interesting because I don't mean to do that but that's feedback for me, okay.
Something has those people experiencing me in that way and that's what I mean by
that particular step so take the time to actually ask yourself
that question, what is it about me or my behavior that has them experiencing me
this way? Remembering that the feedback is about
them and their experience. It may have something to do with you in a useful way.
Alright, so once we wrap our heads around that particular starting point, what do
we do with it then? Receive the feedback with gratitude, this is going to throw
people off but do it anyway, it's kind of fun.
Instead of being defensive and putting up your shield, you're simply going to
receive the feedback as information, remember it's information about them
anyway so it's okay, take it on, receive the feedback with gratitude so you'll
say something like this, "Thank you for that feedback." Now does that sound weird?
Just try it and see what happens. Thank you for that feedback and then you can
say something like, "I'll take a look." or "I'll be aware of that now." You know
something that acknowledges the feedback, it doesn't necessarily commit you to any
kind of a change process because you may or may not need it but you're willing to
take a look and that shows some humility which is going to serve you well in other
ways too including your relationships. Receive the feedback with gratitude
saying that yes, I'll take a look at that and then as you look at it, if it fits
then use it. If it doesn't, you may simply discard it. I remember a story that was
told by Wayne Dyer, really enjoyed his speaking and writing and I remember him
telling the story about how he would sometimes receive criticism, right? People
either loved him or hated him but the haters tended to make a point of writing
in and letting him know that right and giving him some criticism and he had
created a form letter that he responded and he mimeograph.
Do any of you remember about the mimeograph? This thing that you crank and
it comes out purple. Some of you who are my age will remember this.
Anyway, he mimeographed all these form letters where it simply said this.. I am
sitting here in the smallest room of my home and you know what room that is,
right? With your letter before me, it will soon be behind me and I always
got a chuckle out of that because if it doesn't fit, discard it, flush it, send it
on its way. You don't have to spend a whole lot of time obsessing over someone
else's opinion if it doesn't fit. Be humble enough to receive the feedback
because there may be some adjustments that would be good and help you to
understand how you're impacting people but the last thing we want to do is get
defensive because that defense and earnest validates the accusation.
Criticism is going to happen, hopefully some of these tools will give you a few
things that you can do with it that might be a little more helpful and
productive. So you can test me on this. If you want to give me a little bit of
feedback, I would love to hear it. Make a comment below and I'll interact with you
there.