I didn’t call the police because
well, I didn’t want to get in trouble.
I was living with my partner at the time.
It was early morning, very, very early morning.
Probably 06:00 or just before.
It was an awful, absolutely horrific experience.
It wasn't, you know, smashing the door down and like a drugs raid
or anything like that.
It was polite and calm.
I wasn't there for the search.
I had already been taken away.
I feel so terrible about my partner having to sit there for about an
hour or two, sat in his boxers, as the police looked around our home.
The funny thing was it felt quite routine for them.
I felt like the whole world was ending around me
and I was the only person ever who'd committed this crime.
I never imagined that I would be arrested.
I never really imagined that happening because I wasn't
continuing to offend.
But when the knock came at the door
within about five seconds, I'd worked out what it was.
What it was for.
It was for me.
I wasn't being particularly intimate with my partner.
I was travelling a lot, maybe a quarter of the year
or a third at most.
Occasionally I would look at porn but it wasn't a big thing in my life.
I never searched for any inappropriate pornography.
I'd never really thought about it.
I preferred the kind of stage-up from that.
Which was video chat sites.
So completely legal but probably quite unhealthy and something
that I just became used to doing.
After engaging with a couple of people in these sites
and then swapping details and engaging with them more directly
over Skype.
I was then presented with some...
Images.
It came in one zip file and within that file was 20 to 25 images.
I've never seen anything other than them.
But I did stupidly try and send one to somebody else.
About half of them were borderline teen: 17/18.
And they were actually wiped from my record because they couldn't
determine whether they were illegal or not.
But the other half were quite clearly
children.
I could have just stopped after I'd opened one or two.
I didn't.
I opened them all.
Whatever was inside me was wanting to open them,
wanting to know what every single one contained.
I was given quite a long sentence, 32 months.
I didn't spend that time in prison. I left after seven.
No one asked anyone what anyone did.
But there was always rumours here and there.
I never asked anyone because I didn't really feel the need.
We'd all done something terrible.
When I was arrested the officer said:
“there is a charity that helps people in your situation”.
And he was hinting that they would give me some comfort
and some advice.
And that's what I wanted.
Comfort and advice.
I usually spoke to them for about 40 minutes or so at a time.
I felt like I was being given the opportunity to assess.
To take a step back.
Although it was very momentary on my part.
I'm still part of the problem.
I feel guilty about all of it really.
But it was good to get insight into thinking about it in a different way.
When it happened in the moment I wasn't really thinking anything.
And I just let the impulse get away from me and that was it.
So it was a moment of madness really on my part.
I think that everyone's different.
And I think it would be wrong to try and categorise all offenders
as having one personality type, one behavioural instinct.
I just think it's probably not an accurate way
to think about these things.
Having seen how quickly you can find yourself in a position where
you might be about to offend, I do worry that many, many,
thousands of people are probably on the cusp of doing it.
Or are doing it right now.
It's the most traumatic part of my life.
The biggest mistake I've ever made.
I think it will stick with me...
forever.