Primary tools for children who didn't have a voice our manipulation and control
now all children explore
Manipulation even in the most loving homes all children explore control in even the most loving homes. Again. This is a normal
developmental
exploration
for the child from the hard place
Manipulation may have become the way they believe they survived
control
May be what they believe stood between them and death now
When we look at a child with these issues, obviously those issues are not okay
but again, I don't want to
Overreact I don't want to label my child a controller or a manipulator. I
Want to stand back from the behavior and realize it has a function
So if a child is saying something to me, for example, they want something but they're using a manipulative around to get there
I will say well stop sweetie now. I'm gonna be matching
I'm gonna be looking into their eyes and I'm gonna say now we'll stop I want to meet your need, but I need honest words
not
This little roundabout. Okay, so give me honest words
Let me see what we can do to work it out together and very often I will find a child
Say what I really want X now if it's in my power at that moment
I'm going to say yes, because they want my child to know they don't have to use tricks
to be heard
By me now, I can't always say yes
Obviously I shouldn't always say yes, but I can say it a lot more often than I do
So we know from child development that there is a continuum of two
poles that predict the best
development long-term
predictability and
control
So some of our children have come from very unpredictable
environments
Some of them have come from very controlling environments
But appropriate levels of predictability and can Rolle
Will help our children let go of the need to control the world
We have mothers who come to us saying my child tells me what shoes to wear in the morning
You know say so I say to that child
You know what?
It's not okay for you to tell mommy what to wear but let's go to your room and choose what you'll wear tomorrow
So I'm going to take away control of the world
By giving my child appropriate control
Every one of our children must have appropriate control in their environment and they must be able to predict what's going to happen
So I can take away these tools predict by giving I can take away manipulation and control
by giving my child appropriate levels of
Predictability and control in their environment I can become their partner
Again, it's very important to come alongside of the child. It's not like AHA gotcha being bad
But rather sweetie, let's work on this together. That's not okay. I'm listening to you. Tell me what you need
so one of the primary mistakes that parents make about this is thinking my child is so controlling i'ma take away control of everything and
See, they're gonna learn to make good choices
By making small choices. I remember one darling little girl
We worked with who had to be in control of everything and she was just a tiny little bitty snippet of a thing
She was like five years old
But her mother would was there in and I was there with her in the home and her mother said, sweetie
We're gonna have a peanutbutter sandwich for lunch. Come onto the table and she said no. No, I have a better idea
Let's have a peanutbutter sandwich for lunch
The little thing just had to feel like she was in control and so we got down at her height and we looked honey
I said no mama already decided on the sandwich, but you could decide between these three fruits for our dessert. What do you choose?
So see I'm gonna let a child have some control. I'm sharing power
they're gonna practice making
choices in a controlled environment, so
That they don't have to take over the world
I had child come for example to our camp who was hungry many many times
He would come into the camp door every morning asking exactly
what we would have to eat all day long and
I went through what we would have for the morning snack and what we would have for the noon snack and what we would have
All day long and I did that with him for a number of days more than a week every day
I went through and one morning he came in and I said, sweetheart
today
Would you go with me and look in the kitchen and let me show you we have so very much food?
And I promise you you're never gonna be hungry here, but just for today, would you trust miss Karen?
I'm gonna meet every hunger need you have and you just get to be a little boy today
so for that little period of time that little boy
Could practice trusting me just that long just a few hours that there was plenty to eat our children learn to
make good choices
As they trust that they have a voice and a sturdy trust
That we see what they need and in that environment
They will give up control manipulation in terms of relationship
Manipulation and control are issues that really challenge a lot of parents. I know they do me and my wife
When why kids are exhibiting manipulative and controlling behaviors? I often take that as a personal offense?
I take it as a challenge to my authority. I take it as a challenge to my role as as dad and and and while
Manipulation and control are not okay and when they're exhibited by our kids
I can't allow all of the emotions and the reactions that I feel to get in the way of
Looking deeper via below the surface of that manipulation and control to see what's really going on
What is it that my kids are trying to tell me. What is it that they really need the truth?
Is that manipulation and control by our kids is often really just their way of
inappropriately expressing a need and if I can get past the personal affront and the personal offense that that that manipulation and control
Represents for me and get to the heart of that need help them understand that
I'm here to meet that need to helped them meet that need and more importantly to help them appropriately express that need
Then oftentimes what we can do is we can deal with the manipulation and control not by coming down heavy and hard on it
But rather becoming more connected so that we can help our kids
Understand that we're their advocate. We're their coach and we can help them both identify
articulate and meet the deep needs they have
You