I think you're lying.
What did you say?
I said, "I think you're lying."
I heard all the traditional Christmas stories,
but there's a lot more to Christmas
than what they... teach you in schools.
Do you know how air quotes work?
Yes.
What kind of gifted school is run
by an old bald guy in a wheelchair?
I am not old!
Oh, pipe down, Mr. Clean.
[whining]
[bumping]
Now, let's disco, baby.
[disco music playing]
♪ If you do not know my name Just call me Captain Man ♪
♪ They never saw me coming And you'll be my biggest fan ♪
[disco music playing]
How old are you?
Next person who asks me how old I am
is gonna get a little visit from Angry Punch Guy.
Who is 30-s... 30, 30.
Emergency! Emergency!
[unintelligible]
This is not a drill!
Get up to the Man's Nest, get your uniforms on right now!
Go! Go! Go! It's tackling time! For real!
I finally get to hurt someone.
[grunting]
Are you wearing a shirt for pants?
Yes!
Give it to me.
I do not know what to do.
I have literally forgotten all of my training.
Get off me.
[groaning]
Get up to the Man's Nest! This is not a drill!
[groaning]
[unintelligible] guys.
Don't tell me what to do.
Does anyone wanna see a hotdog?
I wanna see a hotdog.
[groaning]
Oh, ya hate to see it.
Get to the Man's Nest! Hit the chairs!
Let's go upstairs!
Up to the Nest and make the arrest!
Everyone get seated, so bad guys get eated!
I'll teleport there.
No, you can't control--
[music playing]
- This is not a drill! - I was ready first!
[music playing]
It's just a drill, right?
Yeah. [chuckles]
What's up?
Someone's trying to drill a hole into Swellview Prison
so their grandpa can escape.
On it.
- Who was that? - Uh.
Uh. My hairdresser. I'm late for my appointment...
at the... haircut store.
Getting some frosted tips?
Blonde highlights are very in right now.
Uh, yeah, sure. I'm getting frosted tips.
Now, move!
Alright, fine. How do I start selling myself on Howdy?
Just download the app.
I'm gonna do this. That stupid Joey Lawrence.
That stupid, perfect jawline.
Stupid Schwoz can't be number one.
See? This is exactly why people should have the right to vote!
Oh, come at me, bro.
I'm gonna beat you, Schwoz and that's a promise.
And a promise is something I never break.
Bones, sure.
- Are we competing? - Hearts? Daily.
Is this a competition?
Teeth? I think we all know the answer to that.
I said, "Is this a competition?"!
There's no time. To the beating dungeon. Ca-caw!
Ray, you can't fly.
Ray can't. But [unintelligible] can.
Ca-caw!
Ray, no, don't!
You'll fall down the side of the mountain!
[screaming]
The lesson we all learned today
is that... I have a good friend named Conca.
- Oh. - No.
- No, you don't. - Yes, I do.
Look, we know we're your only friends, Ray.
- It's okay. - You're not my only friends!
I got lots of friends.
I-I-I-I have a lotta friends and they're really cool
and they like me.
And they believe me when I say things.
[Kid Danger] Dude, are you still crying?
[music playing]
I don't appre- I don't appreciate him?!
Schwoz, cover your ears.
I love this man with all my heart.
And there's a reason
I don't give him eight days off work.
'Cause I can't live a day without him.
He is my rock. He is my shoulder to cry on.
But if I tell him that I'm afraid he might
gain the self confidence to leave me for somebody
who might treat him the way he deserves
to be treated, you know, like a human.
Ray, you are a complicated man.
Straight up toxic, my dude.
Well, what did you say?
I said- I said, you're staying here.
And if anything, I overpay you.
Well, dang it, Chapa, you're my second favorite!
So I'm your favorite?
Oh, no, no. My favorite's me.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go take a bath,
eat some apples and pen a handwritten letter
to my grandmother.
Oh, my God!
- Who does that?! - What?
That's your first bite of an apple?
'Course. Stem first, butt second.
Oh, my God!
What gives?!
This is how everybody eats apples!
Top, bottom, then the core.
After that, you'll want more. Who is teaching you kids?
- You are! - No one.
How is Captain Man supposed to host
a STFCOUPWOLTKEOPOHCAD in the Man's Nest
with Ray Manchester stuck in jury duty the whole time?
What's a jury duty?
Well, when you turn 18, like I did a couple years ago...
Yeah. Ay.
Hey, guys! Hey, hey, I need your help!
I'm way out in the desert
and I got my foot stuck in a gopher hole.
Oh, no. It looks like you need
your loyal team to come help you.
Yes, bring me some water
and oh, my Buckcherry concert shirt,
assuming it's out of the laundry.
Sure, Ray, we'll be right there because you can trust us.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah, hurry it up, will ya?
My phone's about to die and a bunch of scorpion hornets
keep trying to build a nest in my hair.
Get outta there.
You listen to me, Raymond Aster Manchester!
[gasping]
Don't you use my full name at me.
I'll use the names your mama gave you, Raymond.
[gasping]
I don't appreciate
- being secretly tested! - Yeah!
Did you destroy the petting zoo or not?
Schwoz, you told them?
I dunno.
Just- Just hurry up and come get me
before my phone dies.
I'm not going anywhere.
What?
We know this is just another one of your stupid tests.
Is not. Those tests were awesome.
[laughing] Good-bye, Ray.
Okay, fine, fine, I admit. This was gonna be a test too.
I was gonna come out here and get a scorpion hornet
and bring it back to the Man's Nest
and say that one of you guys had to eat it
in order to save my life.
Why would we have to eat it?
Who cares?
I'd still do it, sir.
Okay, just hurry up and- and come help me
get my foot out of this gopher hole, please?
[screaming]
Oh, Miles, hey. Thank God--
That was an accident.
Come back.
Bye, Ray.
Don't hang up!
We know this is just a test.
It's not a test!
That's exactly what a person who is testing us would say.
Just bring my Buckcherry concert shirt.
Come get me.
Sorry, this goat just ate it.
[goat] Buckcherry.
No!
[groaning]
[music playing]
The meat just tastes better when it's cooked
over an open fire fueled by crude oil.
[coughing]
Smells a lot worse.
Of course it does.
What you're smelling is the bad flavor
leaving the meat.
Uh.
You're so wise, Ray.
Another fun fact.
Oil is dinosaur blood.
- That's wrong, Ray. - I don't believe that at all.
And coal, why that's just dinosaur poop.
Ray would make a terrible juror.
Oh!
- Really bad. - You should not do your part.
I'd make a great juror.
You'd be terrible.
I'm better than everyone at everything.
- Debatable. - I beg to differ.
You have a lot of biases against a lot of people.
What are you talking about?
Any guy with a man bun is guilty.
Show me a left handed person
that doesn't cheat on their taxes. I'll wait.
I'm waiting.
Never trust a person with two first names!
Sam Martin, Andrew Thomas, Mike Karen.
Tom Brady, Jake Paul, Andrew Jackson. Huh?
The only exception to this rule is Jennifer Lawrence,
who, by the way, once checked me out
at the close Nacho Ball.
What's Jennifer Lawrence doing at the close Nacho Ball?
Checking me out.
Yeah, okay.
You weren't there.
Lying is a very important part of being a superhero.
That's why half the moms in this town
think Ray Manchester's a fighter pilot.
That just sounds like lying to impress women.
Exactly.