hello I'm the nostalgia critic I remember it so you don't have to
you know I love the Looney Tunes
who doesn't
they're funny they're clever, they're unique
they're absolutely wonderful
and you wanna know what else? I love
basketball
again - who doesn't?
it's fun, its intense
it gives you a rush of energy
it's also absolutely wonderful
however you want to be sure to keep these two
elements as faaar away from each other as humanly possible
because if you don't
you get fucking Space Jam!
the worst piece of commercialized half baked horse shit that ever hit the
ok alright I apologize
I just really hate it when Hollywood
takes not one but two of the things that I hold so dear to me
and poisons it with undiluted urine filled backwash that I hate so much
so
with that said let's take a look at how these two wonderful
pastimes got transformed into the cinematic gangrape that lies before us
first of all
you might be wondering: how the hell did this idea even come about?
well in the early 90's Nike had a brilliant marketing plan
for selling their hottest new item Air Jordans
obviously they had Jordan on board
but they needed something else that would be sure to grab all the little kids' attention
so Nike made a deal with Warner Brothers to throw in characters like Bugs Bunny and Marvin the Martian into their commercials
who'd you expect? Elmer Fudd?
the ads were a huge hit
and soon Bugs Bunny and Michael Jordan became America's top marketing whores
sucking dick for Nike, McDonald's, toy mogul's and too many t-shirt companies to count
grousome, ain't it?
after this big success the marketing heads at Warner Brothers got an idea:
what if we turned the commercial into a movie
thereby turning a movie into a commercial
thereby producing commercials for commercials
it's like every advertiser's wet dream of perpetual marketing money making motion machine
that has the ability to turn shit into gold
Ah, that's how it goes.
and thus space jam was born
the first film that was quite literally a commercial for a commercial for a commercial
but don't worry, they hide that fact very cleverly
get your hanes on, lace up your Nikes, grab your wheaties and your Gatorade we'll pick up a Big Mac on the way to the ballpark
subtle
but still, a movie with two of America's most treasured icons
was a pretty big deal
and we knew that the heads of Hollywood
wouldn't just throw any crap together for their money making prized possessions
obviously
so tell us then, what's the story?
you see these aliens come from outer space
and they wanna make us slaves
in their theme park
so we challenged them to a basketball game
but then they show up and they ain't so little
they're huge!
we need to beat these guys
cause they're talking about slavery
they're gonna make us do stand up comedy
the same jokes every night for all eternity
we're gonna be locked up like wild animals
and then trotted out to perform for a bunch of low brow
bug eyed, fat headed, humor challenged, aliens!
is it too late to get my money back?
okay so the story Bugs was trying to get across
starts off with Michael Jordan
after he dropped out of the NBA
the first time he dropped out
we see him during those embarrassing years when he actually took up baseball
instead of basketball
and that's not bad writing, that actually happened
meanwhile we travel to...um...outer space
where the evil ruler of uh...um...theme park on the moon
is looking for new attractions
so he sends his aliens to kidnap the Looney Tunes
who live in...um...the middle of the earth
where the Looney Tunes retaliate by...um...challenging them to a basketball game
how many times have we heard that story?
we gotta get new agents,
we're getting screwed
but before we even get to that
we have to watch dozens of scenes where Michael Jordan
is interacting with his family
well he went two for five
and lost 32 points in his
yeah so that puts him at like a 6,85 or something
oh come on can't you get to the looney tunes already?
what do you think?
i'm kinda partial to purple and gold myself
it goes better with my colour
on second thought go back to the boring family
whatcha cooking? -chicken
chicken with what?
chicken and collard greens
good
on second thought go back to the looney tunes
oh charlie come on
is the 700 club on?
I thought you'd never ask
judging by those clips you may have noticed the first problem with this movie:
the Looney Tuned aren't funny!
they're rude, loud and obnoxiously annoying
but they're certainly not funny
in fact the writing for this movie is so horrible
you almost wish the original Looney Tunes from the 50s could sit there and watch it
I'm a cheerleader
but mommy, I don't want to go to school today
boo!
I...wet myself
haha very funny
hahahaha
the second problem you may have noticed with this movie
is that Michael Jordan is not funny
he's dull, boring and incredibly bad actor
but he's certainly not funny
in fact I don't even think if he knows he's in a movie
i think they just followed him around with cameras and then painted some cartoon characters in the background
Sufferin Succotash
getting back to the story
the aliens decide to go back to our world
and try to get some extra strength
while there they sit next to the wife from everybody loves Raymond
and the guy who did the voice for Homer Simpson
how random
so the aliens steal all the talent from some of basketball's greatest players
we're fine; it's just some psychosomatic deal
or something to do with the moon and alingment of the planet
wow it looks like they took their acting talent too
it stinks
so the aliens become giant monsters which the Looney Tunes can't possibly defeat
so they get the help of Michael Jordan
and his wormy little assistant played by Wayne Knight
who I was surprised to find out is not a cartoon character
oh yeah? who says?
so the game is on and all the Looney Tuned join forces
to stop the evil aliens in a universal Space Jam
which still sounds strange to me
I don't know, when I think of Space Jam I think of that stuff they used in Spaceballs
to block out the radar
raspberry
so all your favourites are there for the line up:
including Bugs, Daffy, Porky, Taz, Elmer, Lola, Tweety, Marvin the...wait a minute!
who the fuck is Lola?
oh wait wait wait I remember - from the classic Lola cartoons
you know with the...and the...
who the fuck's Lola?
Lola turns out is a girl bunny they created to bring in more of the female demographic
unfortunately they didn't really make her fun, silly, goofy or zany
in fact they didn't give her any personality at all
they just tried to pose her off as some sort of strange sex symbol
which is kinda weird
because she is in fact a rabbit
she's not a person
she's a rabbit
if it was a person maybe it would make a little bit more sense to make her a sex symbol
but she is in fact a rabbit
why would anyone wanna fuck a rabbit?
what sense does that make?
rabbits aren't sexy, rabbits are food
I mean look at her
they dress her in skimpy clothes
they make her wear short shorts
oh and here's the biggest insult of all:
they actually gave her bunny boobies
bunny boobies!
I mean what kind of sick twisted pervert actually gives a cartoon character bunny boobies?
I mean if that ... actually has female genitalia
what does that mean the other Looney Tunes characters have?
we've got balls
daah stop!
okay, alright
let me make one thing perfectly clear
to all you Warner Brothers representatives out there
we don't wanna fuck bunnies
I can't believe I have to say this
we don't wanna fuck bunnies
I mean we're people
therefore we like to fuck other people
I'm sure there's some small percentage of people out there that like to fuck bunnies but
there hardly seems like a very profitable demographic
I mean I put it to you
have you ever seen a bunny that you actually had the hots for?
that doesn't count!
ahahahahaha
okay so aside from promoting bestiality to kids the film also has the worst camera shots in the entire world
that is to say they're all extreme close ups
seriously, I feel like all the characters in this movie are about to french me
these shots are so close I keep thinking the camera's gonna hit them in the face
like in the opening of Alladin
too close, a little too close
so all the Looney Tunes characters:
Bugs, Duffy, Taz, Ho and so forth
pretty much get their animated asses handed to them
and trust me when I say no one is spared
dude did they just beat the shit out of Granny?
they did! They just beat the shit out of Granny!
they actually tackled, punched and kicked an innocent old lady
who never harmed anyone in her life
can I see it again?
one more time
oh my god I could watch that forever
but unfortunately the movie continues
and turns out that Michael Jordan
and his Looney Tunes are actually short one player
who could they possibly get?
dun dun dun dun dun dun.
aaa no Bill! what're you doin?
you still got a career to lose!
perhaps I can be of some assistance
go! get out! there's still time!
look, you made it through Larger than life and you made it through The man who knew too little
but I just don't think you can survive this
this is why I was born
ok I'm gonna give you the name of a director here
Sofia Coppola
she's kind of a newcomer but she has a lot of promise
just just think about it
very funny
of course it comes down to a tied game
and it's up to Michael Jordan to score the final point
but in a stunning turn of events they actually don't win
they lose the game
defying all cinematic conventions
Michael Jordan finds out that he is an imperfect human being, a fallen hero
he discovers the burden of responsibility that having such great power requires
but he also finds that strength comes from the mind and soul
and not just from athletic accomplishments
though not the happiest ending,
the film teaches children that even in their darkest moments
you can always find unity
in yourself
and that my friend is the essence of all mankind..naah i'm just kidding, he makes the basket and wins
oooooh
so the Looney Tunes get Michael back home, give the players back their talent
and return to being their phenomenally unfunny selves
But Jordan still has one last thing to settle
no you know he doesn't play basketball anymore
you know he probably doesn't even have it anymore guys
there's only one way to find out
welcome back, Michaeeel Jordaaaan!
oh I see, it's because of the Looney Tunes that Michael Jordan came back to basketball Ahahahahahahahaha
God this movie sucks!
I mean what were they thinking?
in what insane asylum could this movie possibly be considered good?
and you wanna know what the amazing thing is?
this movie actually had four writers!
four writers!
and not one of them knew that they were writing intergalactic pig shit
i mean can you imagine what the writing section with these four morons was like?
I see aliens. I also see Michael Jordan...being sucked down a golf hole...to win a
basketball game against Bugs Bunny
actually that explains a lot
that's it, we're out of here
I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to
god, what a bad movie!