hey everyone and welcome to top think today we're going to learn how to stop being nervous
and awkward now let's begin number one develop social memory sometimes awkwardness just comes
from a lack of experience it has nothing to do with your personality or interests now don't
make the mistake of thinking that you're doomed to a life of social discomfort even if you're nervous
in social situations you don't naturally repulse other people no matter how much it feels like you
just need to practice take this common situation you're talking with a new group of friends when
a joke pops into your head you think it's funny but no one else really laughs in fact they seem
uncomfortable and do their best to ignore you then you're left feeling socially awkward and
tongue-tied so what should you take away from an embarrassing situation like this it's tempting
to assume the worst you might be convinced that no one will ever like your jokes that your sense
of humor is somehow fundamentally unfit for the social world and because you're scared of
creating more awkwardness you just stop trying to be funny you hold yourself back each time
you think of something hilarious to say you keep it to yourself in fear of ruining the moment but
your sense of humor isn't the problem nothing about you is wrong ill fit or improper so many
people assume they need to change who they are in order to fit in they adopt new values and dawn a
completely different personality all in the hopes that one group of people will finally accept them
however those drastic changes won't improve your social life they'll just make you even lonelier
than you were before instead of throwing away your true self you should learn how to fit your unique
personality into various social situations yeah I know that sounds complicated but it
really isn't just think about social skills like shooting a basketball the first time you try it
a mess you'll shoot a few air balls maybe throw 104 the backboard but one way or another you're
going to be terrible at it but as you shoot more and more you'll improve your aim will get better
you'll learn how much power to put behind each shot you'll throw straighter and slowly adjust
your form it'll get easier and easier to make baskets without even thinking after all when you
repeat a behavior enough times your body starts to memorize that specific set of movements this is
something that we call muscle memory now it turns out you can do the same thing to relieve social
awkwardness the more you practice your social skills well the easier they become you develop
a sort of social memory which will diminish the conscious effort required for each social
interaction that means you can spend less time over thinking and more time just enjoying yourself
but how do you actually develop social memory well how did you develop the muscle memory to
shoot a basketball you've practiced and practiced and practiced so to improve your social skills and
relieve awkwardness just talk to more people make more jokes immerse yourself in different social
environments yeah it'll be nerve wracking and anxiety inducing at first you can't avoid that but
as you gain social memory you'll gain more social intuition this is often what divides the shyest
people from the most outgoing people who are socially adept seem to automatically know the best
thing to do or say that they weren't born that way most of them have spent so much time socializing
that they've acquired the confidence and intuition to navigate every social situation with ease so
with enough practice you can develop these same talents you'll learn what to say and what to keep
yourself you'll get a sense of when it's a good time to be funny and when it isn't overtime you'll
discover how to read different situations and interact with all kinds of people but you do have
to spend lots of time being uncomfortable first just try to remember that every awkward moment
will help you build more confidence down the line number two embrace good etiquette have you ever
tried to win people over by acting cool yeah you might have tried to copy all of the coolest traits
you could think of you take up absurd amounts of space you confidently try to dominate every single
conversation you pretend like you've never been nervous in your entire life but is that really
what anyone is expecting from you or even what they're looking for in a potential friend so many
people perpetuate this massive misconception about relationships the vast majority of relationships
have nothing to do with one person impressing the other in fact when you see someone who strikes
you is cool you're much more likely to avoid them they don't feel welcoming and accessible instead
they feel more intimidating and different not like someone you'd make an effort to hang out
with so you're likely to repel more people than you actually attract that's assuming that your
attempts to seem impressive actually work more often than not they fail miserably trying to
look cool usually makes an even more uncomfortable person to be around it tells everyone in the room
that you're determined to be something that you're not that you're not satisfied with yourself and
are pretending to be something else so why put all this pressure on yourself to be cool many
people who are socially awkward believe there are only two options either you're in or you're out
why well because you might have spent most of your life on the outside looking in if you've
always felt lonely and isolated well it seems like everyone else has something you don't so
pretend like you have it too right no but all that pressure to hide your social anxiety often
creates more of it so what should you do instead if acting dominant and overbearing just won't
solve the problem how should you act believe it or not one of the most effective ways to relieve
your awkwardness is to have good manners good manners yeah good manners now by manners I mean
a somewhat formal sense of what's polite and what isn't good manners show each and every person that
you talk to that you're a trustworthy human being that it's okay and even encouraged to lower their
guard around you simple things like pleases thank-yous and not interrupting people when
they're speaking will show a much appreciative level of respect now practicing good etiquette
won't automatically attract a whole crowd or new friends that's not really what it should be used
for it's there to break down those initial barriers to establish a sense of safety for
you and the person you're talking to as an added bonus good manners also give you some guidelines
if you can't think of what to say next you may not sound like the coolest person in the room
but in a real social situation that's probably a good thing number three control your reflection
way back in the 1950s a psychoanalyst named Jacques Lacan claimed that every person sees
themselves and other people we essentially use our friends family and significant others as
mirrors what we liked and disliked about them often reflects what we liked and disliked about
ourselves so that means whether you like it or not you're consistently projecting yourself onto
your relationships so what does lakhan's mirror Theory have to do with being socially awkward
because we unconsciously look for ourselves and the people around us a negative reflection will
significantly modify our behavior so let's imagine that two people let's call them Joseph and Paige
are just starting up a conversation from the very beginning Joseph is acting upbeat and enthusiastic
but Paige isn't nearly as confident her anxiety is through the roof because she's convinced herself
that she's boring and awkward so that's exactly how she's acting her speech and body language
tell everyone in the room how insecure that she's feeling when Joseph sees how hesitant Paige is
he starts to get more defensive - Joseph begins pulling away that makes Paige feel even worse she
gets quieter and quieter until eventually Joseph starts looking for an excuse to leave he walks
away to talk to someone else leaving Paige to sit and wonder what went wrong before the conversation
could find its footing Paige was overwhelmed by negativity using Paige like a mirror Joseph
observed that negativity and naturally reflected her emotions he felt defensive and unsure only
because of the person he was talking to so what do you think would have happened if Paige had changed
her attitude if she seemed happy and warm with Joseph have bailed on the conversation probably
not because his behavior would have reflected her a newfound positivity instead of becoming
defensive Joseph could keep acting excited and confident now of course Joseph isn't the only one
using a mirror when Paige sees how comfortable Joseph is feeling it will give Paige the boost
of confidence that she needs to keep putting herself out there so anytime you interact with
someone remember that your nerves don't just affect you if you're uncomfortable the other
person will almost always reflect that negativity right back at you the conversation will feel like
a nightmare because you accidentally made it one so how do you stop yourself from creating such a
destructive reflection this part can be a little tricky there's no magic formula that will make
your negativity instantly disappear if you're overflowing with anxiety before a conversation
starts it'll most likely leak out in one way or another to give off a welcoming vibe then you
actually have to be relaxed you need some degree of self assurance otherwise people will see right
through you since you can't force yourself to feel comfortable focus on the things that you
can control wear something you look good in go somewhere you're familiar with bring
along someone you know that you can be yourself around the goal of controlling these environmental
factors is to suppress your insecurities it creates a calming baseline to soothe
your nerves and to make sure your reflection is as positive as possible hey thank you for
watching top think and be sure to subscribe because more incredible content is on the way