♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE HOST OF "LAST WEEK
TONIGHT" JOHN OLIVER. DO THEY GET WHERE THEY ARE
WITHOUT PAYING THEIR DUES, I DON'T LIKE THEM.
YOU DID NOT COME OUT OF THE GATE AS A SUCCESSFUL PERFORMER.
>> NO. >> Stephen: WHAT WERE THOSE
FIRST YEARS LIKE? WHAT DID YOU DO?
PAY THE BILLS I MEAN? >> OTHER THAN DISAPPOINT AND
INFURIATE THE AUDIENCES? >> Stephen: SURE.
>> I TOOK ANY KIND OF TEMP JOB I COULD.
ANYWHERE. ONCE I WAS CENTS TO CO COVER THE
MATERNITY LEAVE OF THE WOMAN WHO WAS COVERING THE PHONES FOR THE
GUY, AN OFFENSIVE STEREOTYPE OF A LONDON GANG SISTER.
PEOPLE WOULD CALL UP, "IS JIM THERE, IS HE THERE?" AND WOE
GO, "I AIN'T HERE JOHN, I'M NOT HERE."
"TELL JIM I KNOW HE'S HERE, I'M (BLEEP)ING KILL HIM."
HE SENT ME ACROSS LONDON WITH $15,000 POUNDS IN CASH AND A
KNIFE. >> Stephen: HONEST TO GOD?
>> IT'S TRUE. I ASKED WHAT THE KNIFE WAS FOR,
IF ANYONE TRIES TO KILL YOU, THAT'S TO PROTECT YOU.
I SAID JIM, I'M COVERING MATERNITY LEAVE, I'M NOT BUILT
FOR THIS LIFE, JIM. >> Stephen: DID YOU KNOW IT
WAS STOLEN EQUIPMENT? >> YES, ONE GUY CALLED UP AND
SAID DID YOU HAVE THIS CERTAIN KIND OF COOKER THERE?
I SAID I THINK I'VE SEEN IT, HE SAYS DOES IT HAVE CONCRETE OFF
THE BACK OF THE PIPES? I SAID YES.
HE SAID HE (BLEEP) TOOK IT FROM ME LAST NIGHTLY.
I'M NOT PULLING BACK MY OWN STUFF.
HE SAYS OFFER HIM 200 POUNDS. >> Stephen: YOUR WONDERFUL
WIFE, YOU MATTER ALMOST A DECADE?
>> YES, ALMOST A DECADE. >> Stephen: IF IT HADN'T BEEN
A DECADE THEY WOULDN'T HAVE CLAPPED.
>> THE RULE HAS THERE NOW ON GOT TO BE, LESS THAN TEN YEARS,
SILENCE. DOUBLE FIGURES IS THE LEAST YOU
CAN DO. >> Stephen: YOU AND I BOTH
COMPLICATED YOUR EARLIER RELATIONSHIP WITH KATE.
CAN YOU TELL THE PEOPLE WHAT HAPPENED?
>> I WAS DOING AN INTERVIEW WITH TERRY GROSS ON FRESH AIR, VERY
EXCITING. SHE SAID ON THIS INTERVIEW, I
GATHER YOU'VE JUST GOT ENGAGED. AND I HAD NOT JUST GOT ENGAGED.
>> Stephen: AND WHAT DO YOU SAY?
YOU CAN'T SAY THAT. >> YOU DEFINITELY CAN'T SAY NO,
HEY, NO, THIS FISH GOT TO SWIM TTERRY, THIS BIRD GOT TO FLY.
I PROBABLY FROZE AND THEN OBFUSCATED SOMEHOW.
BUT I DO REMEMBER MY WIFE'S FAMILY WERE LISTENING TO IT AND
THEN CALLING HER UP SAYING, "I HEAR YOU GOUT ENGAGED, TERRY
GROSS SAID YOU GOT ENGAGED." SHE SAID, "NOT YET I DIDN'T."
>> Stephen: I WAS ABOUT TO HOLD UP A BOOK ASSOCIATED --
>> I GOT A BOOK COMING OUT. >> Stephen: I'LL DO THIS, IS
THIS DUKE NEWCOMBE? JOHN OLIVER.
"LAST WEEK TONIGHT" AIRS SUND SUNDAYS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK