[ Laughter and applause ]
-Whoo!
Alright.
God, I hate dancin'.
Hello, everyone.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Hey. Welcome to "Ellen." I'm Ellen.
Thanks for bein' here.
Oh, it's so good to see all your 42-year-old faces.
[ Laughter ]
Now, there's been a lot in the news this week
about Vladimir Putin
gettin' authorization to invade the Ukraine,
so I'm gonna talk about my recent trip to a dog park.
[ Laughter ]
When I was there, I saw a Great Dane.
I also saw a so-so Dane.
[ Laughter ]
I'm just kiddin'. They were both great. I'm Ellen.
[ Laughter ]
Big thank you to my writing staff for that joke.
-She wrote that one.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, they're the best!
Yeah! Yeah!
Okay, well, I've put this off long enough.
It's time to dance.
DJ Tony, play the hardest rap song ya know.
-Oh, you got it, Ellen.
I know just the one.
[ Playing Outkast's "Hey Ya" ]
[ Laughter ] ♪♪
-Whoo!
Alright.
God, I hate dancin'.
Wish I hadn't danced in my first episode.
Wish I'd just sat the heck down and had a smoothie. [chuckle]
[ Laughter ]
Alright, that's enough.
Okay. [ Music fades ]
Now, as many of you know, this Sunday,
I am hosting the Oscars
and I can only hope that, somewhere,
a guy named Oscar's hosting the Ellens.
I'm kiddin'.
[ Laughter ]
But, you know what movie I love this year?
"Twelve Years a Slave."
That's about how I've been forced to dance on this show
every day for the last 12 years.
[ Laughter ]
I'm just kiddin'. It's about slavery. I'm Ellen.
[ Laughter ]
Alright, now,
you know who else is excited for the Oscars?
My two favorite little girls
that I scooped up off the Internet.
It's Sophia Grace and Rosie.
-[English accent] Hi, Ellen!
We just wanted to wish you good luck.
Right, Rosie?
[ Laughter ]
-Are you gonna watch the awards at home?
-Oh, we don't have a home.
We live in the back row of the audience.
Right, Rosie?
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, good god, that's cute.
Ohh, god.
That is the cutest thing.
Now, the only thing Ellen loves more than the Oscars
is pullin' pranks,
which brings us to a special new segment,
"Ellen's Oscar Pranks."
Oh, look, that's me!
That's a little me.
Okay.
Today I pranked Oscar nominee Barkhad Abdi,
who played a Somali pirate in "Captain Phillips."
He had no idea it was me.
Take a look at the video.
[chuckle] Barkhad, I'm your chauffeur.
I'm here to drive you to the Oscars.
-Ellen DeGeneres?
-[laughing] Oh, you got me!
[ Laughter ]
Ellen, you got me so good.
Put 'er there.
[Buzzing] -Whoa!
-[Laughing] -You're wearin' a buzzer!
[Continues laughing]
That is right, Ellen.
Look at me. Look at me.
I am the pranker now.
[ Cheering and applause ]
I know he's an actor, but he really does look like a pirate.
[ Laughter ]
Okay, it's time for my guest.
He was a commentator for the Olympics
and he'll be covering the Oscars for E!
Please welcome Johnny Weir.
[ Cheering and applause ]
[ Whistling ]
Hi, Ellen.
Thank you for having me here.
It's so nice to be here and not in Russia.
I mean, can you believe all this was in Russia?
[ Laughter ] -Yeah. Now, did you have
a hard time there at all?
-Oh, no, no, no. I just sort of blended in.
You know, by the end, I actually looked like a real local.
Yeah, look, here.
This is a photo of me on the streets of Sochi.
[ Laughter ]
You can barely even see me, right?
It's like a gay "Where's Waldo?"
[ Laughter ]
Well, now, I love the way you dress.
I feel like, every time I see you,
you're wearing somethin' new and crazy.
[ Laughter ]
-No.
Not every time.
-Ooh, are you sure?
'Cause it kind of feels like every time.
[ Laughter ]
-I think you're exaggerating, Ellen.
-Ooh! Now, Johnny,
where did you get your sense of fashion?
-Oh, from my parents.
My mother is a schoolteacher and my father is
a Christmas ornament.
[ Laughter ]
And, you know, I'm always giving people makeovers.
Just before I came out here,
I actually gave DJ Tony a fun makeover.
I think he likes it.
[ Laughter ]
-I do like it. [laughs]
-Ooh, you look great, DJ Tony.
That's great.
Now, Johnny, Johnny,
you did such a great job doin' the Olympic commentary
with that cute little Tara Lipinski.
You must miss not seein' her every day.
-Oh, no. She's here with me.
She's in my jacket pocket.
Hi, Tara! -Hi, Johnny!
[ Laughter ]
-Alright, well,
that's all the time we have.
Thank you for bein' here,
Johnny Weir. -Oh, well, you know,
I'll just prance myself right out.
-Prance.
[ Laughter and applause ]
It's time for a commercial break now.
When we come back, Johnny's gonna give me
an Oscar makeover where he puts me in a gown and heels
and it's gonna look real weird.
But, first...
Live from New York,
it's Saturday night! [ Cheering and applause ]
-Ellen DeGeneres in "Honey, I Killed the Spy."
-I love the beach.
If you got sand in your shoe --
Thanks.
I got home from the beach the other week
and there was so much sand in my shoe.
And I was like, "Hey, sand, how'd you get in my shoe?
Get out."
Then I was like, "Oh, okay.
So, now, I just talk to sand."
[ Chuckle ] I'm just kiddin'.
Thanks. That's my time. I'm Ellen.
-C'mon. -These decoys are awful.
-What? What are you talking about?
Don't you think any of them look like you?
[ Crowd whistling ]
-I mean...
That one over there kinda looks like me.
-Where? -Oh.
-Eh. -Oh, it's just me, Ellen. Sorry.
I came backstage to say great job, Bieber.
So, great job, Bieber.
That's my time. I'm Ellen.
-The one and only Ms Ellen DeGeneres.
[ Cheering and applause ] She's already dancing.
[laughing] She's already dancing.
Ellen, hi! How are you?
Well, I wish I had an outfit that went better with orange.
-Uh-oh. Ellen, you're up
for Favorite Funny Lesbian tonight.
Are you excited?
-Yeah, and I'm pretty sure it's Favorite Funny Person,
not specifically lesbian.
-Okay. I'm so sorry about that.
-But I'm still gettin' the slime outta my hair
from last year, so, keep your eyes peeled
for a shower cap. -Uh-oh.
-[electronic baritone] Ellen, hi.
-Jesus Christ!
-I lost my voice and the producers gave me
this vocalizer.
What award are you presenting tonight?
-I'm sorry I said Jesus Christ.
I was startled by your voice.
But, I'm presenting Meanest TV Teacher
[
-Uh-oh! Time for the Zany Zoom!
Come on, Ellen.
uh-ohhhhhhh!
-Alright. That was absolutely terrifying.
-Ellen DeGeneres for Dr. Sattler.
[ Clack ]
-[Clears throat]
Alright. Wow.
That's a gigantic pile o' dino poop.
I've had stools onstage before,
but this is ridiculous.
I'm just kiddin'. I'm '90s. Ellen.
-Ellen DeGeneres, take 3.
[ Clack ]
-Hey, I'm Ellen. [chuckle]
I'll host the Oscars, sure.
I haven't done anything controversial in my life.
Except for being gay, you know.
But people like that now.
Except for the guy that was supposed to host, you know.
[ Chuckle ]