Let's begin right here in New York City, the greatest
city in the world.
[loud cheers]
It's changing its pronouns.
The iconic "I Love New York" logo is getting a makeover.
The new campaign, "We Love New York City,"
launched by officials to help the city rebound
from the pandemic-- designers keeping the big, red heart
but switching up the font a little bit.
Mayor Adams and Governor Hochul on hand in Times Square
to unveil the new logo with the help of Broadway
stars and community leaders.
No one will ever beat New Yorkers down.
And we took the I out of I love New York,
and we brought the we.
We're in this together.
That's right.
It's not I anymore, it's we, as in we can't afford rent.
Or we just got pushed in front of the subway.
Or we just pushed someone in front of the subway.
But if you're wondering how they
got this incredible new slogan, I actually have
some of the runners-up here.
Let's see.
Some of the other options were "We love Jew York," OK;
"Jew York, Jew York"; "Start Spreading the Jews."
And then they told Kanye to leave the meeting.
And that's when they settled on "We Love New York City."
Now, let's move on to a story that's very sad for those
of us who love Fox News because it turns out
that a producer for Tucker Carlson is suing the network,
saying that the network pressured
her to lie in the Dominion voting machines lawsuit.
And I actually wasn't surprised about this at all,
because all the way back 20 years ago,
I wrote a book about Fox News called Lies and the Lying
Liars Who Tell Them--
Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them, A Fair and Balanced
Look at the Right.
And in fact, I wanted to treat you guys tonight.
So look-- all of you, look under your seats,
and you'll find directions to a local
bookstore where you can buy--
you can buy Lies for $29.99.
OK, let's move on to international news.
This week, Vladimir Putin is hosting
Chinese President Xi Jinping for a three-day summit
in Moscow.
And a lot of people are upset with Xi
for cozying up to Putin after he's become
an international pariah.
But you know what?
I think that that is exactly the time when you really
find out who your friends are.
We should all be so lucky to have a friend like President
Xi, who doesn't judge us for every little crime
against humanity.
In other overseas news, there was a big win
for workers in France who will now
get to work longer than ever.
Despite weeks of protests from lazy French people
who wanted--
who wanted to keep the retirement age at 62,
the government has now raised the age at which workers can
retire with a pension to 64.
And this is terrible news because it is leading
to a revolution in France.
And last time that happened, we all had to listen to Russell
Crowe sing show tunes.
So fix this right now, France!
And I'm sorry, but I have no patience
for people who need to stop working in their early 60s.
I'm 71, and I'm working.
And I-- and I haven't lost a step beat.
I'm as sharp as I was when I started
on Saturday Night Live--
Saturday Night Live.
I haven't lost a step since then.
And that was back in 1975, nearly 20--
30-- 40-- long decades.
But let's get to the story today that makes--
[cheers and applause]
Let's get to the story today that
makes all the other stories kind of pointless.
According to the UN, we're all going to die.
Just in to CNN, a dire warning about the state
of the planet.
The new UN report warns the climate timebomb is ticking,
and the world is running out of time to avoid catastrophe.
This report tells us we need a quantum
leap in climate action.
And every country in the world has
to reduce emissions at warp speed
to try to curb the warming of our planet.
We are nowhere close to making that Paris Agreement
goal of curbing warming to 1.5 degrees
Celsius from pre-industrial levels.
To accomplish all of it, developed
and the richest nations in the world
would need to reach net zero by 2040.
That is going to be nearly impossible.
Wow, that's awful.
But I guess a shout out to my baby boomers--
feels like we got the last chopper out of Saigon,
doesn't it?
And that's a reference we baby boomers understand.
Now, part of the problem is the UN's expectation
of collective action, it's just easy to shirk your part
when everybody has to chip in.
So the solution here is to call out people individually.
The next UN report shouldn't say we
all must lower our emissions.
It should say, Gary, stop driving your car so much.
You don't-- you don't need to visit
your wife's grave every day.
She's not keeping track.
The fact is, on our current path,
we're in for a grim future.
And to find out just how grim, let's
go to the future to talk to Desi Lydic.
[cheers]
Hi, Al.
Yes, I am reporting from the year 2075.
Can you believe it?
This face is 93.
Take that, Paul Rudd.
Desi, I'm afraid to ask, but how is the climate crisis
going 60 years from now?
Climate crisis?
We solved that years ago.
Look, the entire world looks like a Lisa Frank folder.
Hold on, we fix climate change?
How did-- how did that happen?
Well, it started when the UN issued its report on March 20,
2023, warning that we had to radically reduce
carbon emissions by 2040.
So we read the report, and we made all the changes,
and saved the world.
Back to you, Al.
Wait.
Wait, Desi, you're talking about the report
from yesterday?
Yeah.
Yeah, it laid out exactly what we needed to do.
So everyone just came together and did it.
Why wouldn't we?
Well, wasn't doing all that really expensive?
Oh, yeah, it definitely was.
But the alternative was the destruction of the planet.
So of course, we just spent the money, obviously.
Back to you, Al.
I can't believe it.
Everything sounds so great in the future.
Oh, it sure is.
Oh, hi, little guy.
A grassland sparrow?
I thought those were going extinct.
Oh, they were, but we turned it around.
We reforested the Amazon.
We got all the plastic out of the ocean
and upcycled it into friendship bracelets
that we all wear unironically.
Plus, all the children in the world
joined hands and sang in a harmony so beautiful
it ended war forever.
Wow.
Holy crap, really?
All of that happened?
Oh, my god, no, you dumb-dumb!
I'm being sarcastic.
You think that for some reason, we're
going to suddenly start listening
to UN climate reports?
No.
Al, I'm not from the future.
This is all fake.
I am literally in the same room as you right now.
Oh.
Hi.
I'm so-- I'm so stupid.
I did-- I just didn't realize that.
Yeah, I mean, I hate to say it,
but we're just going to keep on driving Ford Expeditions
and burning fossil fuels until the ocean swallows us whole.
Oh.
Well, I guess you're right, Desi.
And that's our satirical point.
If only satire had the power to change
the future for the better.
Yeah.
Well, Al, I mean, the good news is there's still a chance
that our sharp-witted satire will
inspire people to make the necessary changes
to save our planet.
Wow, really?
No!
Oh, my god, I'm being sarcastic.
Jesus Christ, were you really a Senator?
Yes.
Yes, I was.
Desi Lydic, everyone.