- We walk into this bar
and one of the difficult parts about being a woman,
besides everything,
(audience laughs)
is that, it's really hard.
Is that you're constantly battling with yourself.
In the long run, we're battling our weight,
hair color, wrinkles.
Minute to minute, it's just an adjustment of your hair
and your bra and your underwear
and your makeup and your mustache,
braid it, bead it, set it.
You're always doing something.
Because if one thing is off,
then the night is ruined, Scott!
Okay?
One time I left my house without mascara on,
I did a U-turn on a four lane highway.
Like no!
They will see the whites of my eyes!
(audience laughs)
Everything has to be perfect.
And guys, it's exhausting.
It's exhausting being a girl.
Did you know, fun scientific fact
that I made up on the way here,
that women get four minutes out of every night,
four minutes out of every night
where our brain sends a message to our body saying,
everything's okay, stop messing with it.
Four minutes out of every night
where your brain sends a message to your body like,
homeostasis achieved.
(audience laughs)
And the rest of the time it's just
mayhem!
Everything has to be perfect.
So we walk into this bar.
My first thought:
I gotta fix my lip liner now.
I'm not even a big lip liner wearer,
but in that moment, 'twas everything.
In that moment, I believed fixing my lip liner
is what stood between me and eternal happiness, okay?
I had to take a liner, I need to find my liner,
and line my chola lips, okay?
That's what I had to do.
So glad that got a response.
In North Carolina, nothing.
Okay.
(applause)
Had to fix my lip liner.
Had to be right then.
To the gentlemen in the room,
I don't expect you to understand the urgency
with which I had to fix my lip liner.
The only thing I can liken it to in male culture is like,
when you feel you have to adjust your balls.
Similar immediacy.
As we've seen, unfortunately.
When you feel it's gotta happen,
it's gotta happen now, go, go, go!
In front of children, Christmas Eve, family portrait.
Messing with my dick!
Messing with my dick in public!
Wow!
It's a dick puzzle, I'm solving it now.
Maximum comfort
At any cost!
This is my right.
Nancy, get off my back.
So.
So many guys right now have to adjust.
They're like, I'm not gonna do it.
(audience laughs)
I believe that's what Elvis was doing.
(audience laughs)
Makes sense.
Needed my liner, now you understand that I needed it, guys.
Okay, needed the fucking liner.
That means I had to find the liner in my bag.
However, I had a big bag.
There was a very specific way
that women will search for something when we have a big bag.
What do you do?
You take a designated search claw
and you plunge it.
(applause)
Never breaking eye contact with your prey.
I mean, your date.
Notice I haven't blinked, Chicago.
Dedication to acting.
(applause)
The constant eye contact being a reminder that
yes, I can multitask and keep talking.
I'll make a great partner.
Marry me!
(audience laughs)
Meanwhile, to the outside world
it looks like you're wrestling with a very small bass.
If you're a real pro, you keep the conversation moving.
Still haven't blinked, by the way.
If you're a real pro, you keep the conversation moving.
I'm listening, I'm listening.
Keep talking, keep talking.
I can look and listen.
Say FanDuel one more time, motherfucker,
I'm listening.
(audience laughs)
You're digging around in there.
Meanwhile, as a woman, you're having to come to terms
with the seventh layer of hell
that is the bottom of your bag.
It's just a graveyard of dismembered pens.
There's coins.
Why is there always a Natures Valley granola bar
crumbled at the bottom?
(applause)
You stick your hand down.
You come up with oats between your fingernails.
You're like, ow!
Ow!
(upbeat music)