- We're here today with three positive parenting tips that will make your life a whole lot easier.
Parenting can be tough but this will help. We're going to share a powerful model with you first
and then we'll get to those three tips. - Hi I'm Vicki Jenkins, I'm a speech-language pathologist.
- And I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins a clinical psychologist. We have both through our entire career worked with
families and with children. There's a model that every parent needs to know. You can get a copy of
this, if you go to the URL that's on the screen right now, drpauljenkins.com/stages
Now, why does it say stages? - Okay really, first, you need to understand that there's a
balance between control and maturity that helps us know how best to interact with our kids in order
to get certain outcomes. - Right so, starting with control, control means, control over your own life.
- Right and as you know at the very beginning of a baby's life they have very little control over
their own life. Your the parent or another adult is responsible for feeding taking care of,
moving them around even. - Right they can do very little for themselves. But as they gain maturity
and get older they take a little more control over their life. You've probably already noticed this.
You can see that age has something to do with it. But maturity is where it gets a little tricky. We
all know that maturity has something to do with age. But there are other components. We all know
older people who are not very mature. - And we know young children who are quite mature for their age.
- Right so, what do we mean by that maturity? We've broken it into three stages and you'll see this
on the visual model that we promised to send you. Remember, drpauljenkins.com/stages.
So, that you can get a copy of this print it out. So, that you can refer back to it this becomes really
important. - So stage one, the first stage on our model is when there's really not very much control
in the child's life. It's mostly in the parent's life or the the supportive adult in their life.
And so, this is a child who maybe is very young typically, we're talking you know, if you're going
to match it with an age. We're talking a child who is not very in control of their emotions. They
don't self-regulate. So, there's a lot of tantrums. They might be maybe birth to one, or two, type age,
that they really just want what they want, right when they want, it they're not really concerned
about anybody else, just like a baby, a baby is hungry at two in the morning. They're gonna cry and
scream it two in the morning whether you've had a rough night or need some sleep or anything, right?
And so, that's that whole idea that they don't have a lot of control because they don't
have a lot of maturity and they need somebody else to step in and have that control for them.
- Now, you can see that this is true of a toddler or a two-year-old. - Right, - Two-year-olds are really
great at throwing tantrums - Yeah, especially, at the grocery store. - But it's not just about age. Because
a 13-year-old can throw a doozy too. It's about stage, not age. So, older kids who are being selfish,
self-centered, demanding, manipulative, that's still stage one. - Right. - So just think stage, not age,
and when we move to stage two we stop fighting and start cooperating - Right, and that's actually
kind of the mark that we see when a child is ready to cooperate we know they've moved from
stage one into stage two. Now, I think it's really important to just mention really quick cooperation
doesn't always mean happily. But if they are, even if they're stomping their fists fine, I'll go pick
up my toys, they are cooperating and so, you're in stage two. - That's how you can tell it's the
dividing line between stages one, and two, and then stage three, is the most mature of all of the three
stages on the graph where there's responsibility and there's attention to morals, and values, and
ethics. Basically, you're doing the right things for the right reason
and even taking initiative. - Right that's the important part. - Initiative let's just address that
really quickly because it means that you see what needs to be done and you do it. You know your kids
are on stage three, when you walk into the kitchen and someone has magically taken care of the dishes.
Now, you might think well, okay that's la, la land. But when kids reach a level of maturity that they
can see what needs to be done and they just do it taking their own initiative that's what we're
talking about in stage three. - One of the reasons we want to help you understand that it's about
stage, and not age, is that. What stage your child is in at the moment dictates kind of what kind of a
consequence you're going to set up. How you're going to interact with them? So, if a child is
in stage 1 you're going to interact with stage 1 consequences and interactions if they're in two
you go with that. - That's what we spend all of our time in our parent coaching programs talking about
and you can learn it very quickly. But this is why we said this model is something that all
parents need to know. That determines how we're going to show up in the discipline. I think we
need to acknowledge something else though as well, and if you've watched other videos here on
our channel you've probably heard this before. What's your job as a parent? You're chuckling
because you know exactly what it is. - It is to love them no matter what and even if. I think sometimes
we get really stuck in this well, I need to make sure that they go to college, and they make sure
that they are kind, I need to make sure that they are good citizens, and any of those make sure that
they aren't really your main job. Your real job is to love your child no matter what and even if.
- When you grasp that everything else just becomes logistics and we can help you with the discipline
part. You've got to really understand that your job is to love them, no matter what and even if.
Everything else is secondary to that. We're going to share those three positive parenting tips with
you next. Before we get to that take a moment to hit that subscribe button so that you don't miss
anything that's coming your way to support you as a parent. - So, tip number one is to push pause.
Meaning that sometimes we need to just slow down as a parent and kind of observe and wonder. I think
this is great on a day-to-day basis and also sometimes with even within our discipline. Just
push pause for a minute, slow down, and take just a little break, to make sure that you're watching,
and observing, and really getting a feel for what's going on. - Children don't keep. We don't even
have any kids anymore. They all grew up they're all adults now we have grandkids in our home.
We're at a stage in our life where we really are sensitive to this. Your kids are there temporarily,
and your little kids don't keep, and your babies don't keep, they turn into bigger kids, and older
kids, and teenagers, and every stage has some really fascinating and engaging things that
if you were to just push pause and enjoy it in the moment you're going to have a whole lot better
experience as a parent. Tip number two, leads right in from that, find the fun. - I remember you know,
there are so many things that are great. If you just take a little bit of time to look at what's
fun. One time, I remember, one of our little guys had this big sunshine that he'd made up in a sunday
school class or something and he ripped it and he'd thrown it all over the house. And I remember
you made some comments like, oh gosh, he's just throwing that paper all over, and I said no he's
scattering sunshine. You can take a minute to find the fun. - I remember another example too, songwriter
Michael McClain that we followed a little bit. Had a song about doing just this finding the fun and
one of the examples was a mother who was unloading the groceries from the back of the car and the pie
that she had bought at the store for the family dinner fell on the driveway, and she went into
the house and the kids are all just kind of frozen in time you know, waiting and anticipating
the explosion from this little accident occurred. But mom came back out of the house
with forks and they, all sat down on the driveway and just ate the pie right off of the driveway.
Find the fun. These moments are to be treasured and enjoyed and you can do that by choice.
- And sometimes, just to get yourself in that mode sometimes, you can just start with the saying, what
I like about this stage? Or what I like about this time of our life is? And it just gives you a chance
to kind of springboard your mind into that finding fun mode. - You're asking your mind to look for it
and it will find it. - So tip number three is to send smiles. - It's appropriate that this follows fine fun
- Right, life is to be enjoyed, not just endured, and sometimes we get into that trap as parents. Watch
your face, check your face, check your eyebrows, check the position, the expression that you
have and just kind of see where it is. A lot of people don't realize that they carry kind of a
grumpy hard face. - You know, this it actually reminds me of a time we were in the car I can't remember
exactly where we're going. But I was upset with one of my boys and he was in the back seat in his car seat,
Anyway, I was driving along and I looked up in the mirror and I had the eyebrows.
But I was like thinking I'm just gonna stay mad a little bit longer then I'll talk to him and I was
just mad, right? And then decided I was done being mad and I was going to send a smile his way
and I looked up and he'd fall asleep and I kind of missed my moment and I realized that I carried
that kind of that angry mom eyebrow thing. Much longer and much more often than I wanted to
and so, I kind of tried to find a way to just check my face and make sure that it's a little bit more
relaxed it smile maybe my stance isn't so tight or folded arms you know, just kind of
take a moment and send a smile. - One of our viewers actually, tried this to come. So, if you're watching
this video, you'll remember this, an experiment with her children. Where she just intentionally chose to
send a smile on a regular basis over a period of three or four days and it freaked her kids out.
They weren't even sure what she was up to. I've often said when mom is smiling kids are thinking.
And so, it can work for you strategically as well, - And let me just add one other kind of
a bonus tip right here as a mom. I feel like along with that sending a smile is get to yes
as often as possible. So, much a part of the role that we play as parents is protecting our kids.
And so, there's a lot of no's involved. And so, anytime you can get to a yes do it. It really
builds that relationship with your children and helps you enjoy them and they are more willing
to work with you. - A little tip that will help with that, you can always say yes if, or yes when,
at least in your own mind and that'll help you to get to yes a little more quickly
and you're going to have such a better experience as a parent, if you can apply these three tips.
I hope you found this helpful seriously, go get the model this model is one that every parent needs to
know. drpauljenkins.com/stages and you can have a copy of this right in your inbox.