- How do you talk to your kids about sex?
What do you do if you find out
that one of your kids is sexually active?
Phil Dunphy, like most fathers, is kind of a doofus
but that doesn't mean he gets it wrong all the time.
In fact, here he gets it pretty right.
Eventually, mended light.
(uptempo music)
So for those of you who don't watch Modern Family,
Phil Dunphy is a father,
he's got two daughters, Alex and Haley.
He's gonna be driving them around, along with his niece,
going to the mall
and he's going to make some shocking discoveries.
- I never really got dolls.
Does that make me weird?
- It's on the list.
- You're not weird,
you just kind of skipped the little girl stage.
- And jumped to the, I dare you to ring her doorbell stage.
- The only stage you're ever going to jump
on has a pole on it.
- Hey, at least I have the body.
- Oh please.
- Okay, okay We're gonna have to settle
this dispute in court- the food court.
The Honorable Judge Cinnabon presiding.
(laughs)
- Food court?
That place smells like the inside of Luke's bicycle helmet.
- I like the food court.
- Me too.
- Don't worry girls, we're not gonna deprive ourselves
just 'cause Haley's aversion to food.
(laughs)
- Oh, oh, Haley's aversion.
I thought you said-
Never mind.
(laughs)
- What were you thinking saying that in front of him?
- I'm sorry, it slipped out.
Besides, I figured he knew, mom knows.
- Only because she dragged it out of Dylan
and she promised not to tell Dad until I left for college.
Which means he might have never found out.
(laughs)
- Stop panicking.
We don't even know for sure he heard what I said.
- Okay. Beatrice is with the nurse.
They'll call us.
It shouldn't be too long.
We can just wait until she's married.
Until she's ready.
Which apparently everyone is these days.
Funny I used to think it'd be years
until everyone was ready
but I guess I was wrong.
Wrong and naive.
- Oh my gosh.
(laughs)
Okay. So.
(laughs)
Oh this is such a great show.
Oh.
My daughter is coming up on her teenage years.
Then she'll be, pretty soon she'll be in her twenties.
Like it's just coming up really fast.
So all of this is, is touching some nerves for me.
First of all, if you're watching
and you have a teenage child
or young adult child,
you have found out that they're sexually active.
How did you respond?
Was it like Phil?
Were you freaking out?
Were you cool about it?
What did it look like?
And how do you talk to your kids about sex?
Let's keep watching.
- Lily, what is this?
Wouldn't you rather have a chemistry set or some flashcards?
- She's pretty.
- No, no she's dirty.
Look, look at the dirt.
Let me wipe her off.
Fix that.
And her braid's coming loose, come here, fix that right up.
- So I've completed the examination.
She did really well.
- What's the prognosis?
- We can fix most of her arm
but she'll never regain full mobility in her shoulder joint.
Because they don't make that part anymore.
- Well that's pretty good, right?
I mean she'll look exactly the same.
No one will know.
- I'll know.
- Uh-
I'm just saying I liked her the way she was.
She was such a sweet little doll.
I'm sorry doc. I'm having trouble adjusting to all this.
- Uh, Dad she's still a sweet little doll.
- No, she's broken.
- No, she's just changed a little.
It happens.
Dolls grow up.
- Well actually-
- Uh, could you-
- Yeah, sure.
I actually have to go give a little girl
some pretty bad news.
(laughs)
- So we had for our daughter
these All American Girl dolls and there is a whole culture.
Like I don't know if there are doctor's
offices in malls for dolls, but I wouldn't be surprised
cause there's this whole thing about treating these dolls
like they're actual people and it, this is hilarious to me
but obviously they're using the doll
as a metaphor and Phil is right now.
He is adhering to some really old ideas
which is that because his daughter has lost her virginity
she's broken.
Right? He's talking about the doll
but he's also talking about her, his daughter.
And I liked her before, she was so sweet and innocent.
The idea that one loses their innocence.
You know, if they choose to become sexually active
this is hard for him
but he's not doing his daughter any favors.
By voicing these ideas
he is shaming her and he is hurting her
and he is not encouraging her to open
up to him about anything in the future.
There's a reason she hasn't told him
and it's cause she knew how he would react.
Something like this.
Can he make it right?
- So Haley,
the thing is
- Fact, Haley's almost 18.
Fact, I am the cool dad.
Haley, I understand that sex is a part of life.
I can't say that I'm thrilled to hear this,
but I'm sure you're being safe.
And I hope that you'll feel free to talk to me about
this anytime.
We should, we should probably get Beatrice like
a cast or something.
We can all sign it.
Yeah?
- Oh yeah, sure
- Fact. I blew it.
- This repair's probably gonna take a little while.
Why don't you run up to the food court and grab us a table.
I'll get Alex and Lily.
- So what he said
to the camera is what he needed to say to her.
And I think the implication is
that he thought of all this later.
Right? And he didn't think of it in the moment.
It's good to know in advance.
My dad talked to me about sex when I was nine years old
like gave me the birds and the bees talk.
Right. And told me everything like just the clinical side
of things, like how everything worked and what it was.
I thought it was disgusting.
And then a few years later
when I started to enter puberty,
he we had another talk.
Why it was changing biologically
but also what the purpose of that was as far
as growing into adulthood, but also being able to reproduce.
When I started dating was the next conversation.
And he, and then later on when I was dating
for marriage conversations there
and when I actually got married.
All along the way we had those conversations and it got
to the point where I knew that if I had questions
I could talk to him about it.
And so some of you watching me like, ew
who talks to their parents about sex?
I had sex related questions.
I mean, I could have gone to the internet
and I could have gone to the Encyclopedia Britannica
and I did both those things.
(laughs)
But I also went to my father
because I knew he could have those conversations
because he had opened that door very early on.
That we could just casually
there was nothing shameful about it.
There's nothing dirty about it that we could just talk
and I could get my questions answered.
And if your kids don't know that they can do that
with you because you haven't set that precedent
they're going to be curious
and they're gonna get information elsewhere.
And that information may not be accurate
or healthy.
Phil's problem is that he didn't think of this in advance.
He thought this day would never come
so he never prepared for it.
And so now he's behind the eight, the eight ball
his daughter is already sexually active
and he didn't play a role
in helping her to prepare for this part of her life.
- Do you want the counter or booth?
- Whatever seems right to you.
I trust you.
- I have a cool dad.
(laughs)
- So even though they couldn't have, and they had still
haven't had a direct conversation.
They're speaking in code.
They both know it.
And that is beautiful.
Whatever seems right to you I trust you.
It is important as a parent to share your values
with your children, including your sexual values.
It's also important to recognize that as they transition
into adulthood, they're going to find what they
believe is right, what feels right to them,
what they want their life to be.
And even though your role as parent is to teach them
and to and part of that is teaching them your values.
And I'm not just talking about sex now
I'm talking about across the board.
At a certain point you step back
and they're going to choose their life.
My mom used to say, once you're 18, I did the best I could
which isn't her saying that she was tapping out
of being a mom or that she would never be there for me
cause she was, you know, until the day she passed
she was always there for me.
But what she meant is once you're 18, you're gonna
start making your own decisions.
You know, once you're an adult and I have to honor
that instead of trying to control what you do.
So once you're 18, I did the best I could.
I love that.
- Come on Lily let's see if Beatrice is ready.
- Hey dad, I know I'm way too old for this,
but do you think I could get this doll?
Her name's Genevieve, and she's developing a vaccine for-
- Yes, you can get the doll.
You can get as many dolls as you want.
(laughs)
- It's $200.
- Or one is fine.
(laughs)
- I'll see you guys later.
I'm going to Abby's.
- Bye, honey have fun.
- Have fun, you with Abby.
We've confirmed Abby's a real person and a female?
- Yes, sweetie we met her.
Honey,
We can't treat Haley differently just because we both know
what we know about her.
- I know.
I just need time.
So Dylan told you?
Why didn't he tell me?
He and I used to share everything.
- You're upset about a lot of things.
- Okay, I won't obsess over it.
I just wanna ask you one thing.
How long have you known?
- Three months.
- So this giant thing happened to our first born,
and you kept me in the dark about it for three whole months?
- I'm sorry.
I just wasn't sure how you'd- Okay.
- Thank you.
(laughs)
- If you find out that your teen
or young adult has become sexually active,
some of you watching are more traditional
wait for marriage type of people,
some of you don't have that value that's okay.
But whatever your child decides to do
they need to know first and foremost
that they are loved and they need to not be shamed.
If you're dealing with an adolescent who lives
under your roof, then there may be rules
that they have to abide by under your roof.
But the more you try and control somebody
the more they're likely to rebel.
Far better to share what your values are,
what your hopes are
but also to honor their choices and to talk
with them about what it would be
like and to talk with them about all their options.
Abstinence is an option.
And some people practice that and make that choice.
Other people choose to be sexually active.
And if they're going to make that choice
what precautions can they take?
That's sex education to know all the options
and to know how to keep yourself protected.
That's physically.
There's an emotional side
to sexual involvement as well, right?
So how do you keep yourself protected emotionally?
How do you make sure
that you're not taken advantage of and hurt?
You can't a hundred percent guarantee
that but you can have conversations
with your children about knowing their worth
and knowing how much you admire them.
The worth that you have for them.
The love that you have
for them will help them through all of this.
So this has been Modern Family gets therapized.
If you've enjoyed this, check out my video on Seinfeld,
the opposite where George decides
that every instinct he has is wrong.
So he is gonna do the opposite.
Could this work for you?
Check out this video.
If you need some help talking to your kids about sex,
a member of our therapeutic team would be happy to assist.
There's a complimentary 15 minute consultation.
The link is down below in the description for you.
As always keep shining because we need your light.
(upbeat music)
And here is that Seinfeld episode.
Let's get it on.