Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘I promise not to spit in your yoghurt’
Here at Dark Corners we love a good bad movie chat up line.
‘Free yoghurt for incredibly buxom young woman who gets her picture on the front page of Thursday's paper’
Outstanding.
‘I heard that one before’
Phantom of the Mall: Eric’s Revenge is exactly what it sounds like,
except that it sounds like a sequel, a 1980s version of Phantom of the Opera.
‘I’m impressed’
Melody is still getting over the loss of her boyfriend, Eric, who died in a fire the year before,
when she takes a job at the new Mall, run by Mr Posner,
a man who has no apparent reaction to severed heads showing up.
Also at the opening of the Mall is Mayor Morgan Fairchild,
'Oh this looks good, very good.'
Who seems to be the mayor of the mall.
‘You don't belive that do you?'
she never leaves.
Meanwhile, in the basement is a mysterious masked man.
Why do I work out in front of the mirror?
By the way when I say ‘mysterious’ I mean; it’s Eric
‘I know he’s still around’
We all do, the movie’s not trying to do anything clever here.
‘What if Eric didn’t really die in that fire’
He watches over Melody, leaving flowers in her locker,
dresses in her car,
and generally creeping her out.
But he also protects her.
How fortuitous that this random attack takes place while Eric in on patrol with his crossbow.
'Have a nice day.'
The following day we learn the attacker was the mall pianist.
If only I had a bandage. Or owned more than one shirt.
And Eric’s revenge isn’t over.
‘My God’
Sometimes I impress myself.
Nasty. And never mentioned again,
which is odd as you’d think a dead man in the gents with a snake bite on his lower constrictor would excite comment.
‘You little prick’
But he’s not the only one to fall foul of Eric’s protectiveness.
This pervy security guard was peeping at,...
'I think I recognize you. I do. Both of you.'
A bunch of women who aren’t Melody.
Any more than this is.
'You know, you are really cute.'
'I think you better leave.'
Maybe these guys deserve it,
but Eric is supposed to be protecting Melody, this dilutes that.
Especially since, while he’s killing creeps, Melody is meeting a gormless reporter,
who chats her up.
‘That fire last year, I’m the one who took your picture when they brought you in’
Hey, remember the night your boyfriend died.
'He played our song...
For some reason she then relates her sexual history.
'Are you sure you want to hear this?'
'Yeah, please go on.'
Yeah, go on.
‘Oh man, I thought we were going to have a show here’
They’re looking for the man who torched Eric, who has just been given a job at the mall.
Given he works there you could have just pointed him out, but this seems best,
it probably won’t make him chase you,
and I’m sure a picture taken at a distance in a convex mirror will be fantastic,
'Sorry, it's not my best work.'
especially since you’re trying to identify his earring, which he is too dumb to take off
‘Over my dead body it’s coming off’
Without this the film makes no sense.
Although it’s not the dumbest moment; here’s Melody’s friends hunting for her.
‘The keys’
‘Why is the vent open?’
'She must have gone inside, let's go.'
Say it quickly and hopefully no one will notice we just used keys on the floor
as justification for going into the air conditioning.
‘I want to believe you but this is hard to accept’
As the film drags its leaden carcass towards what we’ve all known from moment one,
'I knew it.'
pondering along the way why they went with grave robbing over the police,
'Look, maybe we should think about this.'
Eric kidnaps Melody.
‘Hello Eric’
and...
Not exactly a Lon Chaney revelation, but she initially seems accepting of his appearance.
‘Oh Melody, I always knew we’d be together again’
Awkward. But this is a serious turnaround.
‘I really loved him a lot’
and apparently it’s all about the other man .
‘I love him’
Do you?
‘I don’t even know him, how can I be attracted to him?’
I’ve only known him two days against the years we were together, but bottom line; he’s not burnt.
'I'm sorry Eric, things have changed.'
And if you have any lingering sympathy left for Melody and her new man.
‘Looks like Eric got what he wanted’
‘Yeah? I did better than that. I got you’
Is it wrong to rub it in the dead guy’s face?
'Look what you did to me, Look what you did to me.'
Thanks for watching. If you want to know about a proper Phantom, check out our Lon Chaney special.
You might have spotted Dawn of the Dead’s Ken Foree in a thankless security guard role,
What other cult stars have you seen in roles patently beneath them? Let us know in the comments below
'Glad that's over.'