OH, OH, MY FRIENDS, MY FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS, WELCOME TO "THE
LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS SHOW FROM FLORIDA, FIRST OF ALL, I'M
GLAD YOU'VE GOT ELECTRICITY, BECAUSE THIS AFTERNOON AT 3:05,
HURRICANE IAN MADE LANDFALL AS A AN EXTEMELY POWERFUL CATEGORY 4,
WITH SUSTAINED WINDS OF 150 MPH, AND A POSSIBLE STORM SURGE OF 18
FEET. WE'RE PRAYING FOR EVERYONE IN
THE PATH OF THIS STORM, AND EVERYBODY NORTH-- GEORGIA, SOUTH
CAROLINA-- BATTEN DOWN, Y'ALL. IT'S COMING.
STAY SAFE. I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE A PIECE
OF VIRAL FOOTAGE. THIS IS REPORTEDLY FORT MYERS.
IT'S A SHARK SWIMMING IN A FLOODED CITY STREET.
THAT IS UNBELIEVABLE... IN THAT MY RESEARCHERS TELL ME
THAT IT IS PROBABLY NOT REAL FOOTAGE.
SOMEONE PUT THAT ONLINE, BUT I DECIDED TO SHOW YOU,
BECAUSE IT'S A SHARK IN A STREET.
YOU CAN'T PASS THAT UP. IN OTHER FLORIDA DISASTER NEWS
FORMER PRESIDENT THE GREAT GRABSBY.
WE'RE GETTING MORE DETAILS FROM THE NEW BOOK "CONFIDENCE MAN,"
BY MAGGIE HABERMAN. MAGGIE BE OUR GUEST NEXT
TUESDAY, AND I'LL BE ASKING HER ABOUT ALL THE PRETTY UPSETTING
STUFF SHE LEARNED ABOUT THE EX-PRESIDENT, LIKE HOW ONCE AT A
DINNER IN 2017, THE FORMER PRESIDENT SAW STAFFERS OF COLOR
AT THE WHITE HOUSE AND ASSUMED APPARENTLY, THE FORMER PRESIDENT
WAS HAVING DINNER WITH CHUCK SCHUMER AND NANCY PELOSI, HEN
HE TURNED TO THEIR NON-WHITE STAFFERS AND SAID, "WHY DON'T
YOU GET THE FOOD?" AGAIN, PRETTY TERRIBLE.
BUT TO BE FAIR, THAT'S WHAT HE SAYS IN EVERY SITUATION.
( AS GENERAL )
WHAT ARE YOUR ORDERS? UH-HUH.
YES, SIR. YES SIR.
OKAY, TWO 10-PIECE FAMILY BUCKETS, AND TELL THEM TO FILL
THE GRAVY TO THE TOP THIS TIME." YES, SIR, YES, SIR."
NOT SURPRISINGLY, THE FORMER PRESIDENT ALSO SAID BAD THINGS
ABOUT WOMEN. HE REPORTEDLY REFERRED TO GERMAN
CHANCELLOR ANGELA MERKEL AS "THAT B."
WOW, HE KNEW THE GERMAN WORD FOR CHANCELLOR IS
"BUNDES-KANSSLERIN?"
THAT'S IMPRESSIVE.
>> Stephen: THIS WHOLE TIME I THOUGHT HE WAS AN IGNORANT
LITTLE BITCH. AS BAD AS HE WAS TO THE PEOPLE
HE WORKED WITH, HE WAS EVEN WORSE TO HIS FAMILY, BECAUSE,
ACCORDING TO THE BOOK, THE EX-PRESIDENT NEARLY FIRED
JARED AND IVANKA VIA TWEET. THAT WOULD BE AN AWFUL WAY TO
FIND OUT THEY'D LOST THEIR JOBS AS...
HANDBAG BLONDEFACE? HAUNTED SCARECROW?
HIS-AND-HERS TOWEL RACKS? I DENT KNOW WHAT THEY DID.
APPARENTLY, HE BROUGHT UP THE PROSPECT OF FIRING THEM WITH
THEN-CHIEF OF STAFF JOHN KELLY, WHO TOLD HIM THAT BEFORE
TWEETING THE NEWS, HE HAD TO SPEAK TO JARED AND IVANKA
DIRECTLY FIRST. YES, PEOPLE SHOULDN'T LEARN
LIFE-CHANGING NEWS FROM A TWEET. I MEAN, YOU'D HATE TO SEE
THIS IN YOUR DOCTOR'S FEED: @ CHRISTOPHER SMITH, GOT UR
RESULTS. LET'S SAY: LEASE, DON'T BUY.
#YOLO.
IT'S A LITTLE DARK. >> Louis: A LITTLE BIT.
>> Stephen: IN THE END, THE EX-PRESIDENT DID WHAT HE'D DONE
HIS WHOLE LIFE: HE AVOIDED HIS CHILDREN.
HE NEVER FIRED THEM, AND AS WE ALL KNOW, JARED WENT ON TO
ACHIEVE MIDDLE EAST PEACE.
BECAUSE OF THE EX-PRESIDENT'S TENDENCY TO REPEAT WHATEVER
HE HAD JUST HEARD, HIS AIDES STARTED CALLING HIM "A
SOPHISTICATED PARROT." C'MON, GUYS.
HE'S MUCH MORE OF A HORNY COCKATOO.
( LAUGHTER )
DESCRIPTION. THAT IS A VERY FLATTERING
DESCRIPTION. HE SHOULD BE SO LUCKY.
ELSEWHERE IN HER BOOK, THE FORMER PRESIDENT RIPPED INTO
FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DeSANTIS, CALLING HIM "FAT," "PHONY," AND
"WHINY," ADDING, "PLUS, DeSANTIS ALWAYS PROJECTS HIS INSECURITIES
ONTO OTHER PEOPLE! AND HIS BUTT LOOKS SO HUGE IN
THOSE TENNIS SHORTS!"
PRESIDENT CONSIDERED BOMBING DRUG LABS IN MEXICO.
THANKFULLY, AT THE LAST MINUTE, DON JR. TALKED HIM OUT OF IT.
AND THEN JUST TALKED AND TALKED AND TALKED.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT, DAD. DON'T DO IT, DAD."
THE GUY WHO ALMOST GOT HIM TO DO THE BOMBING WAS SOME PUBLIC
HEALTH OFFICIAL WHO CAME INTO THE OVAL OFFICE WEARING A DRESS
UNIFORM. THE RESPONSE FROM WHITE HOUSE
AIDES WAS NOT TO TRY TO CHANGE THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S VIEW
ABOUT BOMBING MEXICO, BUT TO CONSIDER ASKING THAT HEALTH
OFFICIAL NOT TO WEAR HIS UNIFORM TO THE OVAL OFFICE
ANYMORE, BECAUSE THE FORMER PRESIDENT IS SO EASILY
INFLUENCED BY ANYONE IN UNIFORM. I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT HIS
CABINET: DIRECTOR OF HOMELAND SECURITY,
HEAD OF INFRASTRUCTURE, SECRETARY OF THE NAVY,
SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR, DIRECTOR OF THE BUREAU OF INDIAN
AFFAIRS. AND, OF COURSE, SECRETARY OF
LEATHER BOYS.
YOU ARE AN EASILY MANIPULATED MOB.
THANK YOU! THE EX-PRESIDENT WAS ALSO PRETTY
UPSET ABOUT THE WHOLE COVID THING...
KIND OF. BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH HE PLAYED
DOWN THE VIRUS IN EARLY 2020, HE CAST HIMSELF AS THE VICTIM,
SAYING, "CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS HAPPENED TO ME?"
FIRST OF ALL,WE STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAPPENED TO US!
LAUGHTER )
FACE OF CRISIS REMINDS ME OF F.D.R.'S FAMOUS ADDRESS AFTER
PEARL HARBOR: >> DECEMBER 7, 1941: A DATE THAT
I CAN'T BELIEVE HAPPENED TO ME! I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO THE MOVIES
THAT DAY! I HAD TICKETS TO SEE "DUMBO!"
NO FAIR, JAPAN! >> Stephen: OH, HERE'S A
LITTLE SOMETHING THAT MIGHT BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE.
FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE GREAT RECESSION, THE SUPERRICH
DID NOT GET RICHER THIS YEAR.
I WILL TOAST TO THAT. ALEXA, ORDER CHAMPAGNE FROM
AMAZON! TAKE THAT, BEZOS.
ONE BILLIONAIRE HIT ESPECIALLY HARD IS META C.E.O. AND FIRST
FACE YOU SEE WHEN YOU COME TO AT THE BOTTOM OF A WELL, MARK
ZUCKERBERG.
IS THAT IT? HE'S DOWN THERE WITH YOU IN THE
WELL? IS HE A MOLE MAN, IS THAT WHAT
IT IS? OR IS HE AT THE TOP LOOKING DOWN
AT YOU SAYING, "PUT THE LOTION ON YOUR BODY."
IN 2021, ZUCKERBERG WAS NUMBER THREE ON THE "FORBES 400," BUT
THIS YEAR, HE FELL OUT OF THE TOP 10 FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE
2014. THAT MUST BE TOUGH.
BUT YOU'D NEVER KNOW HE'S UPSET. OR HAPPY.
OR HUNGRY. HE IS A ROBOT.
THINGS ARE EVEN WORSE FOR OTHER BILLIONAIRES, LIKE TECH
ENTREPRENEURS AND TWINS WHO EACH SECRETLY THINK THE OTHER IS THE
SPARE ORGAN FARM, CAMERON AND TYLER WINKLEVOSS.
UNLIKE ZUCK, WHO MERELY DROPPED A COUPLE SPOTS IN THE RANKINGS,
THIS YEAR, THE WINKLEVOSSESES FELL OFF THE LIST ALTOGETHER.
BUT DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT JOBS.
THEY CAN ALWAYS FALL BACK ON THEIR BAND.
( TO TUNE OF "DON'T STOP
SOME ARE BORN TO SING THE BLUES >> Stephen: AND SOME WERE BORN
NOT TO SING AT ALL.
SPEAKING OF-- SPEAKING OF SINGERS,
CONCERT-GOERS IN D.C. GOT A RARE TREAT LAST NIGHT WHEN LIZZO
PLAYED A VERY SPECIAL FLUTE. AS SHE EXPLAINS:
>> THIS WAS FROM THE EARLY 1800s, AND THIS WAS A GIFT TO
JAMES MADISON FROM A FRENCH CRYSTAL FLUTE DESIGNER TO
CELEBRATE HIS SECOND TERM. THERE WAS A FIRE WHEN HE WAS
AWAY, AND THE ONLY TWO THINGS THAT WERE SAVED WERE A PORTRAIT
OF GEORGE WASHINGTON AND THIS CRYSTAL FLUTE RIGHT HERE.
>> Stephen: NOW, THE HOUSE HE WAS AWAY FROM, BY THE WAY, IS
THE WHITE HOUSE, AND THE FIRE SHE'S DESCRIBING IS THE BRITISH
BURNING IT DOWN DURING THE WAR OF 1812.
ANYWAY, GO AHEAD, THE FLUTE? ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING )
>> BITCH, I JUST TWERKED AND PLAYED JAMES MADISON'S FLTE
FROM THE 1800s!
YEAH! THAT'S FANTASTIC.
AND I THINK IT'S WHAT JAMES MADISON WOULD'VE WANTED.
THAT'S WHY HE WROTE IN THE BILL OF RIGHTS, "YOU'RE 100% THAT
BITCH!" THIS WAS SO COOL.
AND LIZZO REALLY PUT IT INTO CONTEXT:
>> WE JUST MADE HISTORY TONIGHT
CONGRESS FOR PRESERVING OUR HISTORY AND MAKING HISTORY
FREAKING COOL. HISTORY IS FREAKING COOL, YOU
GUYS. >> Stephen: WOW.
WHAT AN INCREDIBLE GIFT TO EVERY DORKY SOCIAL STUDIES TEACHER IN
AMERICA: "WELL, KIDS, I'M NOT THE ONLY
ONE WHO THINKS HISTORY IS FREAKING COOL.
I KNOW A CERTAIN LADY WHO AGREES.
HER NAME IS LIE-ZO. NOW IT'S--
ABOUT DANG TIME TO TURN YOUR TEXTBOOKS TO PAGE
92, 'THE BATTLE OF TICONDEROGA.'"
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
LATER I'LL BE TALKING TO STAR OF THE MOVIE, "SMILE," BUT WHEN WE
COME BACK, MR. ANDERSON COOPER.