The secret to gaining the upper hand in negotiations is giving the other side the illusion of control.
And the illusion of control is typically best given with either questions that begin with
the words what or how.
Well what and how should be the form of nearly any question where you're trying to gather
information.
And it's actually one of the ways we say no.
The first and best way to say no to anyone is how am I supposed to do that?
Now the other side actually has no idea as to the number of things you've done with them
at the same time.
You conveyed to them you have a problem.
It's something that we also referred to as forced empathy because one of the reasons
why we exercise tactical empathy is because we want the other side to see us fairly.
We want them to see our position; we want them to see the issues we have; we want them
to see the constraints that we have.
And when you say to somebody, "How am I supposed to do that?"
You make them take a look at your situation before they respond.
And they think about it in a number of different ways.
And a number of different people I've coached through negotiations who have felt completely
helpless, they felt completely taken hostage, in the one instance where a woman thought
she was taken hostage to the future and she just wasn't getting paid.
They called her up to give her more work and we taught her to say, trained her, counseled
her to say, "How in my supposed to do that?"
They thought about it for a while and they said, "You're right you can't."
I've noticed that response is not word for word directly responsive to her question,
what they responded to was they felt like she said to them, I can't do this any more.
I've reached my limit.
And it's a way to establish a limit in a way that doesn't back the other side into a corner.
You really want to be able to let out no a little bit at a time.
And the first way to start letting out no as an answer is how am I supposed to do that?
Now ultimately with that question we all imagine that the other side is going to say because
I said so or because you have to.
That's actually where you ultimately want to be with that question.
Because when you say how am I supposed to do that and the other side says because if
you want this deal you'll have to, what you've just found out is they've been pushed to the
limit on that issue as far as they'll go and that paternal question is, have I gotten everything
I could that was on the table?
That's a great way to find out whether or not you've gotten everything you could on
that particular term.
Because the other side most angry response is because you have to, which is not them
walking away.
It's not them terminating the deal.
It's not them giving you any more of an ultimatum; it's them saying no I've got no more room
to give without the negotiations breaking off.
So giving the other side the illusion of control while signaling limits, it's a great way to
stay in the conversation and find out that you're not leaving anything on the table.
I was coaching a real estate negotiation recently and the agent was trying to lease a very expensive
home in the Hollywood Hills.
And the first time they said to the leasing agent, "How are we supposed to do that," the
leasing agent relented on a number of the terms.
The conversation continued for a while.
They came to another term that was pretty much almost an impasse and the person doing
the negotiation says, "How are we supposed to do that?"
And the leasing agent said, "If you want to the house you're going to have to do it,"
which was a confirmation that they've gotten as much as they could've out of that term.
So it's a great way to give the other side the illusion of control.
Because many people need to feel like they're in control in a negotiation.
And when they feel like they're out of control they're impossible to deal with.
So the more you let the other side feel like they're in control the more amenable they
are to collaboration.
You really don't want people to feel out of control.