Ohh!
Ohhh!
# Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! #
Ohh!
Wow.
From sex to laptop in under five seconds. Personal best?
I thought you were done.
I'm sorry, should we be basking, or...?
What, in the warm glow of your orgasm?
Oh, sorry, do you want me to...do something?
I can if you want, not a problem.
OK.
Hmm.
Oh, nice! Nice to know I'm less exciting than Soccer World.
It's called Football Manager.
It's not more exciting, it's just a nice sort of warm-down.
Oh, did your four thrusts take it out of you?
Needless.
No, sorry, conceding a corner rather than kicking it out for a throw.
Insane decision.
if I tattooed some formations onto my lower back?
Oh, come on.
listed on my inner thigh.
There's been, like, 150 winners.
Oh, I'll put on weight then.
Could just do World Cups - once every four years.
Is it too much to hope for a cuddle after sex?
You can put your head here if you want.
Yes, genuine offer.
Reheated Chinese,
very brief, technically poor lovemaking and then...
Come on, stop moaning, put your head here. Come on.
Just going to move that... Move that. Sorry.
Er, actually, darling, I'm going to have to retract that.
What?
Are you being serious?
Well, it's a small screen, but either way, the problem's there.
What the fuck happened to us?
When we first met, we used to stay up all night chatting.
We were getting to know each other, weren't we?
And now... Well, we've done that now.
Well, I'm clearly joking here, aren't I?
It's so lovely to spend this quality time with you.
Yeah, yeah, is that the same quality time you were enjoying
when you checked your WhatsApp midway through sex?
It lit up. I just glanced at it.
No, you unlocked your phone.
Just with the thumb print, it wasn't, like, put in a password.
You sent an emoji back.
You did, I'm in the same WhatsApp group,
you sent the monkey covering its eyes.
Well, unfortunately there isn't a "not having an orgasm" emoji.
That's not true, you can use any of the awkward smilies.
Like the guy with the flat mouth, use him.
No-one likes you.
Don't be like that.
Please.
Oh, just fuck off, Sam!
All right. I'm putting it away.
OK, it's gone. Please.
Yeah?
Yeah. Is that better?
Yes, this is all I wanted.
Have fun?
Yes, this is lovely.
A bit of...quality time together.
I'll just check the old time.
It's still early.
We could stay like this for, er...ages.
Cool.
Cool, this is superb.
MUSIC ALARM
Hello.
Oh, PPI insurance. No, cos I...
Actually, you've gone to all the trouble of calling me,
so why don't we just go through it just to check?
Thank you, yes, start from the beginning.
Yeah, what is PPI insurance?
Unbelievable.