( APPLAUSE )
THE BAND, EVERYBODY!
MY GOODNESS.
MY LORD.
GOOD LORD.
FOLKS, I JUST-- JAMES, ONCE AGAIN, THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
AND HOW ABOUT-- HOW ABOUT-- HOW ABOUT THIS BAND, JAMES?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU SHOULD TAKE THESE GUYS ON THE ROAD IF I EVER QUIT THIS JOB
BECAUSE I REALLY NEED THESE GUYS.
I WANT TO TELL EVERYBODY OUT THERE, GO OUT THERE AND CHECK
OUT JAMES' ALBUM RIGHT THERE.
IT'S CALLED "JAMES TAYLOR, AMERICAN STANDARD."
>> Louis: IT'S REALLY GOOD.
>> Stephen: QUALITY MUSIC, QULT MAN.
AND A LITTLE BIT LATER I'LL BE INTERVIEWING MR. JAMES TAYLOR,
ALL RIGHT?
I'M GOING TO BRING THE HEAT.
YOU BETTER BE READY.
>> I'LL GET READY.
>> Stephen: FREE RIDE'S OVER, JAMES TAYLOR.
AND ALSO FROM "EUPHORIA," ACTOR COLMAN DOMINGO IS HERE.
>> Louis: THAT'S RIGHT.
( APPLAUSE )
ANYBODY GOT ANY PLANS, ANY PLANS FOR THE WEEKEND?
ANYBODY DOING ANYTHING FUN?
YOU GOING TO SLEEP.
>> Louis: YES.
>> Stephen: LOUIS, YOU GOT ANYTHING?
>> Louis: I'M GOING TO COSINE ON THAT.
SLEEP.
>> Stephen: I HAVE BIG PLANS, THANKS FOR ASKING.
I'M ACTUALLY LEAVING HERE AND IMMEDIATELY GOING TO THE AIRPORT
AND I'M GOING TO GO TO GREENLAND.
>> OH, WOW.
>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO GREENLAND.
I NEVER HEARD ANYBODY THAT EXCITED TO HEAR THE WORD
"GREENLAND."
I'M GOING TO GO DO A USO SHOW AT THE NORTHERN-MOST U.S. MILITARY
BASE IN THE WORLD.
>> Louis: AMAZING, AMAZING.
THAT'S AWESOME.
>> Stephen: IF YOU WANT ME TO BRING ANYTHING BACK, THEY HAVE
ICE AND GRAVEL.
( LAUGHTER )
WAIT, I'M BEING TOLD IN MY DEAF EAR THAT WE HAVE SOME BREAKING
NEWS.
JIM, CAN WE PLAY THE BREAKING NEWS GRAPHIC THAT WE STOLE FROM
CNN?
THANK YOU, JAMES.
THAT INAPPROPRIATE GRAPHIC HAS NEVER BEEN MORE APPROPRIATE,
BECAUSE OUR BREAKING NEWS IS ABOUT CNN.
YOU MAY REMEMBER, THAT NEWS NETWORK IS NOW RUN BY THE GUY
WHO USED TO RUN THIS SHOW, C.E.O. AND MEGA CHURCH PASTOR
WHO SAYS JESUS WANTS HIM TO HAVE ANOTHER JET, CHRIS LICHT.
WELL, WE HAVE A HOT SCOOP FROM "RADAR ONLINE" -- THE WEB'S
NUMBER-ONE SITE FOR TV INDUSTRY NEWS AND HOT AIR TRAFFIC
CONTROLLER GOSSIP.
"RADAR" IS REPORTING CHRIS LICHT IS LOOKING TO ME, STEPHEN
COLBERT, FOR HELP IN RESCUING THE NETWORK.
DON'T WORRY, CHRIS.
I GOT THIS, CHRIS!
I KNOW CNN+ WASN'T A HIT, BUT HAVE YOU CONSIDERED "CNN MINUS"
( LAUGHTER )
BUDDY OVER HERE DOESN'T WANT JUST MY BRILLIANT CONTENT IDEA.
HE WANTS ME TO MOVE TO CNN.
AS "RADAR" PUT IT-- AND THIS IS AN EXACT QUOTE FROM THE
ARTICLE-- "CHRIS REALIZES NOT ONLY HE COULD PERSUADE
COLBERT TO LEAVE THE PLUM GIG OF 'THE LATE SHOW.'"
AND STEPHEN REALIZES NOT ONLY HE COULD READ THAT SENTENCE OF MAKE
SENSE, PROVING THAT "RADAR ONLINE" HAS NOT ONLY ZERO
PROOFREADERS BUT ALSO ANY NONE.
AND THIS REPORTING LOOKS AS ROCK-SOLID AS ANDERSON COOPER'S
ABS, BECAUSE TWO SOURCES HAVE CONFIRMED IT TO "RADAR."
NO IDEA WHO THESE SOURCES MIGHT BE, BUT THEY MUST BE ON VERY
DEEP BACKGROUND, BECAUSE CHRIS RECRUITING ME IS SUCH A SECRET,
I HADN'T EVEN HEARD ABOUT IT BEFORE I SAW THIS ARTICLE!
AND, LOOK, I GET IT, Y'ALL.
I CAN SEE WHY CNN WOULD THINK OF ME.
I'M THE FIRST PERSON I THINK OF MOST DAYS.
IMAGINE THE SORT OF RATINGS YOU'D GET AT CNN IF YOU LET ME
TAKE OVER STANLEY TUCCI'S SHOW.
( LAUGHTER )
ITALY," AND HE STILL HASN'T FOUND IT?
( LAUGHTER )
AND I'LL FIND IT FOR YOU IN TWO DAYS, TOPS.
EVEN BETTER, GIVE ME ANDERSON COOPER'S TIME SLOT,
BUT KEEP HIM THERE, TOO.
I'M A HUGE FAN.
I'LL BRING ANDY COHEN AND A BOTTLE OF TEQUILA-- EVERY NIGHT
WILL BE NEW YEAR'S EVE!
( APPLAUSE )
SOUND GOOD TO YOU, ANDERSON?
NOW, FOR SOME REASON, I HAVEN'T ACTUALLY HEARD FROM MY OLD PAL
CHRIS ABOUT THIS EXCITING NEW OFFER, BUT HE'S GOT A LOT ON HIS
PLATE.
ACCORDING TO THE RUMORMONGERS, "CHRIS'S FIRST PRIORITY WILL BE
FIXING CNN'S MORNING AND PRIME-TIME PROGRAMMING.
THAT IS WHERE THE BIG ADVERTISER MONEY IS."
SO, EASY PEASY.
ALL HE'S GOTTA DO IS FIX THE DAYTIME AND THE NIGHTTIME.
GOOD LUCK, CHRIS!
ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T MISS YOUR OLD JOB HITTING THE "APPLAUSE"
SIGN AFTER I SAY THE WORD "MEANWHILE"?
HIT IT, TOM!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JAMES TAYLOR.
♪ ♪ ♪