- We're here tonight so James can live out
one of his unfulfilled sexual fantasies:
to have a room full of his friends shit all over him.
♪ James Franco ♪
(cheering)
(upbeat music)
- Many of you might not know this,
but Seth Rogen has a writing and directing
partner named Evan Goldberg.
What does this other guy look like
that you were the face of the operation?
(laughter)
I assume he's like a sweaty, orthodox Jew
eating a pastrami sandwich,
"Hey Sethy, yeah, I added nine dick jokes
"on page four, and I was thinking
"that the guys are friends, and then they're not friends,
"and then at the end of the movie they're friends again."
(laughing)
"And also they should smoke a lot of ganja, Sethy."
Lisa Lampenelli's here!
Oh I'm sorry, that's Jeff Ross.
Jonah Hill, you know, a lot of people
are gonna touch on your weight tonight Jonah,
but not enough people are gonna
talk about what an asshole you've become.
(laughter)
Quick reminder that if at any point
tonight, James fully opens his eyes,
there will be six more weeks of summer.
(laughter)
- Sarah Silverman, everyone's like,
she's hot for a comic, but I don't agree.
'Cause she's not just hot for a comic,
she's hot for someone her age.
- That's right.
(laughter)
- Seriously Sarah, you were my favorite comic as a kid.
(laughing)
And then there's Jeff Ross who's
gonna fucking kill me later.
(laughing)
I never gave you this compliment before,
but you're actually the reason
I decided to become successful.
(laughing)
I saw what you became and it scared
the living shit out of me.
But seriously guys, can you please
pick up after yourselves?
It's gonna make Jeff's life a lot easier.
Aziz, Natasha, Nick Kroll, I'm assuming
you guys are James's friends from high school,
but I think that is so dope that
you guys are willing to get up here
even though no one knows who the fuck you guys are.
- I can't tell if this is a Deus,
or the line to suck Jud Apatow's balls.
(laughter)
Right before the show started, Seth rolled
a gigantic fatty, because that was
the only way we could get Jonah Hill onto the stage.
Jonah actually gained 50 pounds for
his role in the new Martin Scorsese film,
because the producers wanted the character
to be a Jonah Hill type.
- We are very excited, and I'm just gonna say,
an honor to introduce our next roaster.
He's responsible, not just for my career,
but for every single person's career in this entire room.
Ladies and gentlemen please welcome
the President of Hollywood.
(applause)
(upbeat fanfare)
- Before I start I just wanna say
to everyone up here, you're welcome.
In no other place but Hollywood
can these 10 people make the kind of money they make
and sleep with the kind of people they sleep with.
(laughter)
Seth Rogen, I put you on a movie poster and I said
"Deal with it."
(audience laughing)
And then I put Barbara Streisand on that poster
and the world said no, listen, if I wanted to watch
two ugly Jews weaving through traffic,
I'd watch Seinfeld's web series.
Jonah, I'm assuming you're here because Seth is?
People call me all the time and they say,
Hollywood, do we really need two of these guys?
(laughter)
Jeff Ross, hi, I'm Hollywood, we haven't met before.
I'm sorry we haven't been able to do anything yet,
like Enterprise Rental Car on Christmas Day,
I do not have a vehicle for you,
now I come to you, James Franco.
I know it hasn't always been easy for you, James.
You overcame the crippling childhood affliction
known as dumb face, but did you ever
let that interfere with your dream
of making dog shit movies?
I just don't know what you're doing.
I gave you a chance to be a movie star,
make money, hang out with the spider guy,
and you said nah, I want to be an artist.
But I'll tell you what I told Richard Grieco 20 years ago.
(laughing)
Play ball, you squinty fuck.
- Jonah Hill, I loved you as a baseball analyst
in MoneyBall, and I love you
as Rosie O' Donnel in real life.
(laughter)
Jonah was born and raised in Hollywood,
and you can tell, he's a name dropper with
big tits and an eating disorder.
(laughter)
Andy's comedy group is called The Lonely Island,
which is how each of his teeth feel.
Nick Kroll, your fan must be so excited you're here!
(laughter)
No Nick, I love Kroll show, you are amazing at characters,
you're like a chameleon in that
you have hideous skin and bulging eyes.
(laughing)
Sarah Silverman's had more ugly men inside her than Comicon.
Kim Kardashian is here, oh that's Aziz, sorry.
I get them confused, they're both brown
narcissists riding Kanye's dick.
(laughter)
James Franco, acting, teaching, directing,
writing, producing, photography, soundtracks, editing,
is there anything you can do?
(laughing)
Now at first, I wasn't sure why James would do this roast,
and then I thought Spring Breakers,
and I was like oh, he'll do anything.
(laughter)
James has a new reality show
coming out on the Ovation Network, wow.
Finally something so awful that even
TLC was like nah, we're good.
- Wow look at this Deus, a word I knew before tonight.
Someone must have told the producer
that this was a panel of Kenny Rogers roasters,
'cause you guys are a bunch of chickens.
(laughter)
Thank you, it's a chicken-based
restaurant, I researched that.
The lovely Sarah Silverman is here.
(laughing)
I hate to break it to you Sarah, but you're getting older.
And you know who else is getting older?
My mom, I'm scared she's gonna die soon,
what's that gonna be like?
(laughing)
Roasted Sarah, okay, who's my next victim?
Natasha Leggero's here.
(audience cheering)
She's basically a complete unknown,
but tonight we're getting paid the same amount of money.
(laughter)
Here's one, Nick Kroll, Bill Hader
and Seth Rogen walk into a bar.
They're there to pick me up,
'cause I'm an alcoholic who can't manage my feelings,
nailed you fuckers, suck a butt.
(laughing)
Is there a barista here,
'cause this roast just got dark.
(laughing)
My good friend Aziz Ansari's here.
Aziz's parents are from India, and he's from South Carolina.
Hey Aziz, what's it like to have
a unique perspective on what it
means to be American you bag of shit?
(laughing)
Jonah is so dumb that when he had
me over for a dinner party,
I overstayed my welcome and he
pretended to be tired so I would leave
without getting my feelings hurt.
You a passive-aggressive sweetheart, Jonah.
Expect letters Comedy Central,
if you don't want controversy,
you shouldn't have invited the king.
(laughing)
Here's a fun fact, James Franco has a tiny dick.
James's dick is so small that I had to
suck it for like three hours just to get him hard,
and then it got way bigger, like scary big.
I was like, you want me to do what with that?
(laughing)
Hey guys, can you try and settle down out there,
I'm trying to roast up here.
I don't go down to your job and knock
James Franco's dick out of my mouth,
you never take me anywhere, James!
(laughing)
See, these are classic roast jokes.
Jeff Ross knows what I'm talking about, you melting hippo.
(hysterical laughter)
You guys, this has been great,
let's always remember this.
- I do think one day, Jonah will win an Oscar,
Meyer, Hot Dog Eater of the Millennium Award.
(laughing)
Also, I think it's so cool that
some of you guys were able to travel
back in time to 1995 for those Indian jokes you did.
(laughter)
That's so cool!
So many gay jokes tonight, wow.
So many gay jokes about Franco.
Apparently if you're clean, well-dressed
and mildly cultured, you're super gay now.
Is that why the rest of you guys
are so aggressively fat and dirty?
(laughing)
You think if you read one book and take a shower,
dicks are just gonna fly into your face?
(laughter)
Franco, I don't know you that well,
but I'm glad you had me here,
and later tonight I'm looking forward
to you coming up here and doing what you do best.
Being mildly funny reading material
Seth Rogen has written for you.
Thank you guys very much.
- First off, I'd like to thank
my niece, Seth Rogen, for hosting.
(laughter)
Actually, Jonah almost couldn't make it tonight
because he had trouble finding a tuxedo that
changes sizes every three hours.
Jonah, you're an amazing talent.
I loved you as a Ku Klux Klan guy in Django Unchained.
When Jonah's agent told him that Quentin Tarantino
wanted him to be in a spaghetti western,
Jonah was like "you had me at spaghetti."
(laughing)
Jonah Hill, Jonah Hill, what's that?
- Spaghetti western.
- [Jeff] Spaghetti western, you like that?
- [Jonah] Oh my god.
- I love you Jonah, you're a good guy.
- I fucking love you, dude.
- Great to see Sarah Silverman, she's the greatest.
So funny tonight, I'm so proud of you Sarah,
for your success in the animated movie.
Anybody see Wreck it Ralph?
Wow.
(audience cheering)
Which is what guys do to your
pussy, they wreck it, then they ralph.
(laughter)
Bill Hader, holy mackerel, so hilarious, that was great.
Too bad you can't do an impression
of a guy with two equally sized eyes.
(laughing)
Aziz, I wanted to make some jokes about you
bombing tonight, but you were so goddamn funny I can't.
(cheering)
And I guess you're here tonight because
now that Kanye had a real baby, he doesn't need you anymore.
(audience laughing)
How you doing, Franco?
You look like Johnny Depp with lupus.
(laughter)
You know Franco, I don't care personally
if you fuck guys or fuck girls,
all I know is your fuck made her 12 bucks
when I went to see that Wizard of Oz movie.
I hope I wasn't too mean tonight,
because my girlfriend and I both
wanna fuck you after the show.
- They say I'm a pretty boy,
and you don't know how painful that is.
(laughter)
I'm always type-cast as the same guy,
you know, the handsome wizard,
and handsome meth dealer and handsome,
clumsy amputee hiker.
(laughter)
Just once, I'd like to play some of
the diverse roles that Nick Kroll gets,
like the rat-faced attorney.
(laughing hysterically)
All right, so you guys think I'm pretentious.
Well James Franco addressed James Franco
being pretentious in his book, "James Franco".
(laughter)
And it's not just me, look at how full
of himself Jonah's become since his Oscar nomination.
Don't forget where you came from, pal.
Sure you're buddies with Brad Pitt and Channing Tatum,
but I was your first handsome friend.
Before you get too cocky, remember I was there in
This is the End where you're getting
brutally ass-rammed by that demon,
and we both know the only way the demon
could keep his erection was because
he was thinking about me.
So all night I've had to sit here and
listen to everyone's jokes and pretending
to be amused by them, but in reality
the joke's on all of you.
(scattered cheers)
This is not a roast, this is my greatest,
most elaborate art installation ever.
(applause)
I'm not the real guest of honor,
these aren't real comedians,
and we're not even on a real network.
(laughing)
What you've seen tonight was my brilliant opus,
the sequester and artistic visionary,
and subjecting to the mindless,
incoherent trashings of a scattering of
miscreated, talentless abnormalities.
I call it, Genius Unscathed, and this is my masterpiece.
(laughter and applause)
There's only one thing missing, my signature.
(cheering)
That says "James Franco", bitches.
(cheering and applause)
Thank you, good night.