- A gig's a gig, honey.
(quirky upbeat music)
- I love being in London!
But everything is so different here.
Her career is going up in flames
faster than my ex-husband's garage.
(audience on TV laughing)
- Duraflame starts faster burns longer.
Take it from me.
Someone who really knows how to set the night on fire.
Now the pilgrims had the right idea.
Oh, I'll get over it! Oh yeah.
Like you wouldn't grab Patrick Swayze's ass!
Well Jimmy cracked corn and I do care.
(solemn music)
- [Host On TV] Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to "Late Night with Deborah Vance!"
And now please welcome the one, the only Deborah Vance!
- Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Oh, and do not adjust your TV sets! This is "Late Nights"
Yes, I am a woman. I know it's very confusing.
My accountant didn't even know what
to put on my tax returns, so he just wrote mouthy broad.
(audience on TV laughs)
T-shirts still on cause his breasts are bigger than mine.
And I told him, what I was jealous!
(audience laughs)
So anyway, the dummy, he starts asking me questions.
Are you close? Are you close?
I'm like, yeah, I'm close. I'm close.
I'm close to getting a buzzcut, a flannel shirt,
and finally accepting Melissa Etheridge's dinner invite!
(audience laughs)
Ladies, have you ever noticed that men seem
to feel entitled to sex on their birthday?
No thanks. Now a word of advice.
Next time, marry guy born on Leap Day. Y'know what I mean?
(audience laughs quietly)
Y'know Leap Day? Leap year? Every four year,
Yeah, nevermind.
- Son of a-
- There she is!
- How dare you?
- Well, if I don't have Pentatonix,
I've got to promote you, right?
And the truth is you don't make me nearly
as much money as lobster tail,
but if it's any consolation,
I bet you tastes just as good dipped in butter.
- [Deborah] So then I started taking diet pills,
but they gave me such terrible headaches. I couldn't sleep.
I'll tell you what I didn't miss a second of the OJ trial.
- [Ava] Oh come on. You've seen the grape lady?
- I'd never heard of her.
- Okay, look at this.
- [Woman On Computer] These buckets are filled with grapes-
- Okay, fine. You pick.
- I want to get sushi. I love the crab roll from that place.
- No. That was out on Alma's birthday.
- Who's that?
(Deborah sighs)
(woman on computer groaning)
- Oh, that's horrible.
Play it again.
(Ava laughs)
- Best two outta three.
- Yes! Crab roll, here I come baby.
- I heard a snap sound and I knew, but the bone was broken.
(Ava and Deborah laughing)
- [Ava] Oh my God. They forgot the crab roll!
(Deborah laughs)
We've been working all day.
You haven't laughed as hard once.
- No, I don't do insult humor.
- You insult my hands all the time!
- That's observational humor!
(Deborah cackles)
- Is it okay if I leave my eyes open?
- Oh, definitely not.
- Why didn't you tell me?
- You're young. You'll be fine.
- [Ava] Oh wow.
- Oh God. Oh God. I was so nervous then.
I'd been doing standup less than a year.
- But people knew you from your show, right?
- Not as a standup though. I really had to prove myself.
Every joke had to hit,
I kinda missed that. Having to earn your laughs.
- Anyway, she's got an incredible set
and thinks she's going to tell some jokes too.
So you know who she is. You love her.
Your great aunt really loves her.
Make it loud for the OG female comedian Deborah Vance!
(audience cheers)
- Tell me when take an STD test does it just say yes?
- Uh oh, I think she's got a crush on me.
- Oh. There aren't enough roofies in the world.
A horse tranq couldn't get me to give you a high five.
- I got a horse tranq guy if you want to kick it later.
(audiences goes quieter)
- Yeah, funny guy. Funny guy.
So let me tell you all what's going on here.
He's pretending to flirt with me. So I have two options.
I can shoot them down and not play along,
but then I'm a bad sport and not funny.
And a cold bitch et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
Or I do play along, which let's face it is easier
and I'm sexualizing myself on his terms.
That guy wearing the pleather hoodie.
(audience laughs)
- It's real. It's real leather.
- [Deborah] So then my whole set becomes entirely
about a stranger who I find disgusting.
God, you, no matter how long you're away you come back
there's always a dude who's going to talk about your tits
when he brings you out on stage.
Death, taxes, and this fucking guy.
It is wonderful to be at the Palmetto one last time.
(audience responds displeased)
I know, I know.
Wow.
I have been up here on this stage
through so much over the years.
When the Berlin wall came down,
I was on this stage.
When people were hiding in their bomb shelters on Y2K,
I was on this stage.
When Bernie Madoff got arrested,
I was on the phone with my accountant crying hysterically.
(audience laughs)
And every one of those nights,
I told a lot of the same jokes.
But tonight I'm not going to tell you those same ones.
Instead,
I'm going to tell you why I told those jokes.
(solemn music)